I'm A Monster - Wolfstar

14

"I'm gonna... go", I say, and grab my book and practically run up to the dormitory, despite my sore leg.
I lie down on my bed on my stomach, my face in the pillow. I want to feel disgusted, I want to feel like it's no big deal, but I'm grinning into my pillow like a maniac. I'm in my bed now, so maybe I just woke up, and that was all some weird dream.
But no, I can hear laughter and the clatter of a bottle on the wooden floor downstairs. That actually happened, and when I heave myself up and look in the mirror I'm beetroot red. Did I look like that the whole time?
Is this what he meant by ruining the moment? Is this why he followed me into the Shrieking Shack to check if I'm alright? Is this why he got really concerned when he thought I was hurting myself? Is this why he cared more about me having someone to talk to in the Hospital Wing than his own health? Is this what all the hugging and comforting arms around me is all about? Is this the weird feeling i felt when i woke up with him snoring on my leg?
Shut up, Remus. You're overthinking this. Besides, Sirius is the least gay person you know. It was all just for a laugh. He's your best friend. It's just wrong for you to think this sort of stuff.
And then he follows me up. It doesn't really annoy me anymore that he follows me everywhere suddenly.
"Sorry", he says, sitting on the edge of my bed. "If I knew it would make you that uncomfortable, I never would have-"
"No, it's fine. I mean, it's not. I mean, I don't know. It was just... you know... out of the blue"
"Out of the blue? Is that another muggle saying?"
"Never mind"
"Look, I was just... no, I'm just making it worse, aren't I?"
I move myself around so I'm sitting next to him.
He giggles. "You look like a tomato"
"Ugh. I feared that"
"So you're embarrassed? Is that, like, good or bad?"
"Both?"
"Umm... so, that was like... genuine. WAIT NO"
"No, carry on, it's fine, really. I want to know what you think"
"It was genuine only if you want it to be genuine. If it's not genuine, pretend this entire conversation never happened. And if the feeling was mutual, then..."
"Mutual? So, you like..."
"Um, yeah..."
"Oh, well, um...."
"For heaven's sake, you two, I could smell the awkwardness from downstairs", James is up. We both decide to ignore his comment.
"Did you get your snog with Evans?", Sirius asks.
"Not yet. We're having a two minute interval before the next round so I thought I'd come up and check on you two lovebirds"
"Lovebirds? Oh, God...", I cover my face with my hands, and i realise it's an actual habit. I've been doing it since i was five, when... yeah, never mind.
"Well, aren't you? I mean, Pads was the only one who actually did the thing, but you like, had your arms around him, so I thought you were actually getting into it. It's fine, you know. We still support you both, it really doesn't-"
"I had my arms around him?", I hadn't even noticed what I was doing. It was all really fast, yet slow at the same time.
"Yeah", Sirius says, "Not in a weird way, it was just sort of like a hug"
"Oh"
We hear Alice calling "Round 2!", from down in the common room.
"Well, I'll leave you two to be awkward in peace", James says, and leaves us be.
"Can...", he laughs nervously, "Can we like... be a thing then?"
"What do you mean?"
"What I mean is... butterbeer at Hogsmeade next Sunday?"
"Really?"
"Yeah, if you're up for it"
"Um, OK! I mean, only if you want to"
"Yeah, I do"
"OK, next Sunday then!"
He leaves and I just stare after him, cheeks still red and a smile spreading across my face again.