Daybreak|| Jasper Hale {1}

Chapter Fifteen

January 1862

With the war picking up in intensity even I was able to tell that it wasn't going to be ending anytime soon. I decide I couldn't stand by idly anymore when Christmas time had passed and the war was still raging, so despite my fiancé's protests I volunteered as a nurse at the local base.

Henry wasn't happy with me at all, but I had to do something. You can understand that, can't you? You have to understand the restlessness that comes with inactivity. You enlisted almost directly after the war effort started, though you could've waited.

I realized I haven't spoken to you about my fiancé and though that may seem like a major piece of information I was keeping from you, I had my reasons.

  I must clarify, when we met he was nothing. I don't want you to think that he holds the same fondness in my heart that you do, or that I was being unloyal.

Though I suppose I did nothing wrong in actions, just in thoughts.

Our engagement was officially announced in November. I kept it from you selfishly, but now I feel the need to tell you. I was enjoying being able to pretend, for the fleeting moments that I sit down to write you, that I was a woman who was unbound to anyone, a woman who had her own freedom. It's wrong to delude myself any further, and it is wrong to place you in my game of pretend without your knowledge.

Henry Livingston isn't a bad man, but I fear I can't bring myself to love him, and I know that he can't love me. He's a kind fiancé though, and I suppose he'll make just as kind of a husband. Comfortable.

It's confused me, if I'm being honest. I've known him for my whole life, and around me he is nothing like I've come to know. In private he all but ignores me (which I take more comfort in than I should), yet in public he lavishes attention.

To everyone else he remains angry, yet to me he does nothing but give endless thanks. For what? I couldn't tell you, if I'm being honest. Which I am. You deserve honesty.

It's a comfortable arrangement nonetheless, and I suppose I could be complacent in it if I had to be. Yet I'm still longing for something different entirely.

  I'll try to stray from that subject though, as we've both covered it extensively, at least in my own personal opinion.

Though I would selfishly like to hear the words you write, just once.

I'm trying to ignore the matter of my personal life, at least for now. I've buried myself in my work, as soon as I was released from training. Though Texas hasn't yet faced battle tensions are high, and they're discussing transferring a few of us nurses further North, and though Henry doesn't want me to leave I'm hoping that I'm one of the few.

A young soldier was wounded in training, which is mostly what I've seen over the past few months. He was the first patient ever assigned to me, and I'm quite proud of how neatly I stitched up his arm wound. I've never been the best at stitching or knitting when it came to fabric, though I'm evidently better when it comes to skin.

I would've never thought my hand could be so steady.

The soldier reminded me of you, too young for this war, and grey eyes that made my heart yearn to see you again, though his temperament was world's away from your own. Where you are cool and confident, this soldier was scared, not ready for this burden that had been placed upon him. He shed a few tears as I pierced his skin, but the whiskey helped to dull the pain.

I hadn't realized how many people were injured while they trained, though I suppose it makes sense. I still feel like I'm not doing enough though.

I never feel like I'm doing enough.

Yours,
Leanne

  The past few months had been strange for me, days seeming to blur together as I developed a routine. Before I volunteered my services my day consisted of waking up, helping with the bakery, and heading over to the Livingston's to spend time with Henry.

  Though we saw each other nearly everyday, my relationship with Charlotte became more strained as she began to drift away from me, and I was forced to spend the majority of my time in the presence of my fiancé, whether it be learning to be the lady of the house, planning for the wedding, or making public appearances.

  My future husband and I got closer, and I realized that Henry was an easy confidant. He was someone I could trust, and he confided in me as well. We developed a strange friendship, but it was comforting to know that I'd be marrying someone I could trust, at least to an extent. The callowness all but disappeared when he was around me.

  He'd taught me how to horseback ride in late November, shortly after our engagement was announced to the public. He'd thought it was funny that I only knew how to ride side saddle, and he'd set me up with a pair of riding pants and Charlotte's horse.

  "I don't know if I can do this, Henry." I insisted with wide brown eyes, and he'd taken my hand and helped me into the horse, insisting that I could do anything as he laughed at me. It was a strange feeling to wear pants and an even stranger one to ride a horse, but Henry had been right.

  He was right about most things.

  He hated my decisions in private, vehemently going against them, especially when I brought up the idea of volunteering, but in public he was my biggest supporter.

  If I had to marry anyone I didn't love, Henry was a choice that I didn't hate making.

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A/N
I know that this chapter is kind of boring, but I had to give some context as to what's happening in Leanne's life right now for the rest to make sense. It's also shorter than I wanted it to be but it's okay because the next chapter in the past is EXCITING