Smile For Me (Student/Teacher)

Everything At Once

It all just collapsed onto me at once, a levee broken in front of my face and busted out the pain I felt from Andy, from Charlie. From death. I wondered why I hadn't gotten used to the feeling of loss yet.

I knew one thing, though. I needed to get rid of this thing called hope. Because it didn't do anything but make things worse. It made me sit there on the floor and rest my forehead on my knees, it made me grip my hair painfully and it made me cry loudly in inner pain. It made me a stupid baby who cried for her father. It was the hardest I had ever cried in my entire life. It was so bad I felt like I'd stop breathing.

One of the guys unfroze themselves and rushed over to my side, and I felt those warm and familiar arms circle around me. His voice by my ear. "Oh, Diana." He sighed quietly, and it was sweet and sad, unlike the way he had been treating me lately.

I tried pushing him away and sobbed, my noises sounding terribly miserable, my whines that seemed uncontrollable. I didn't notice the others come over to me, but I heard them talking to me. They were only sounds in bubbles at the time, the only thing I could clearly hear was my pounding heart that I prayed would stop beating so I could for once be with the people who I felt I deserved to see. Of course, I couldn't.

It felt like I was underwater, my brothers' voices coming out as blobs and gargles. Their arms reached for me to pull me out, that's what it felt like. Only, they were trying to get me to stand, but I couldn't. My legs were jello, my heart was no longer numb. It was stuck in satan's torture chamber, and I was crying too hard to scream for help like I wanted to.

Finally I surfaced from under the ocean and could hear again, my two brothers and James telling me to get up, attempting to be soothing. I couldn't fucking move. I didn't want to, and I didn't want to be held. I just wanted to end everything, not specifically my life, I just wanted everything to end. I wanted to stop being such a fool who expected to be happy for ever. To be happy at all. I didn't even deserve it.

"I've got her." I heard Charlie's sudden gentle voice say as he slipped his arms around me and scooped me up, taking me up the stairs like a traumatized baby. When he pushed my door open, he layed me on my bed, trying to speak. I curled up again and cried more. It physically hurt, too. My head began to pound, my eyes were stinging like hell, and I felt nausea at how I could barely breathe with this whole heaving and sobbing thing. I had to stop- but I needed to get out all of it. Everything, I had to.

"Diana." He said sweetly to me, but I shook my head and wished he'd leave me alone. "Please don't cry." Charlie's large hands touched my face as he sat beside me and I tried shoving him away, and was unsuccessful with my weak limbs.

I was able to speak somewhat, but in a soft and miserable whine. I sounded so childish I hated myself, "Go away." I sobbed out. "Leave me alone."

He pulled me onto his lap like he had many times before and wrapped those arms around me. I didn't stop crying for someone who I expected to be there. Someone I expected to see only minutes ago, when all I got were his parents, who were abandoners. I despised people who left, and that meant I despised myself as well. "I'm not leaving you alone." He said to me, rocking me as I covered my stupid weak face.

"Get away from me." I begged, elbowing him away, but nothing worked. He held tighter and nuzzled his nose in my hair as I continued.

I hated how good it also felt. I wanted to be alone, and I didn't want to be touched, but at the same time when Charlie had his arms around me all I wanted was him. But I was a whore, and he was a jerk. I didn't deserve his kind side. The only one who did was Claire, and there he was, holding me to his cozy and familiar chest with his lips touching my temple. "I'm so sorry." He said.