Surrender

Peace, Be Still

Peace, be still. What a powerful statement.

When I listen to this song, the message that I get tells me not to FEAR.

This song tells me that God is the maker of all, He is all powerful and just as the song What a Beautiful Name says, nothing can stand against Him.

Last Friday, I gave a message to my youth about fear. We started by doing a few rounds of Bean Boozled which was a great opener for the lesson.

I also told my youth about health issues that I am undergoing. The previous two days, I had been getting tested for Diabetes. My latest blood test had been that Friday and I would not get my results until the weekend was over. I could have spent the weekend anxious and worried about my test results, but instead I focused on God and I told myself that if I did not have diabetes, I would thank the Lord and even if I did have diabetes I would thank the Lord and I would ask Him for guidance and strength.

I told my youth that fear is not a sin; worry is a sin.

There is a difference between driving and jumping at an unexpected car merging in front of you. However, if you are driving and constantly on edge, then you are not trusting in God.

2 Timothy 1:7 says 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

When I was giving that message, I was in a good place. I was engaged to my best friend, I was leading an amazing youth ministry, I was doing exceedingly well in school, my body had finally stopped hurting.

Fast forward a week and I am no longer engaged to my best friend, I'm still leading an amazing youth ministry, still excelling in school, but my body has begun to hurt again.

My body is in pain because I am broken hearted.

My fiancee had been my entire life. I loved him and still love him with all my heart and I wondered why over and over again.

I decided to fast and pray. And only then did I see it.

I had placed my fiancee on a high pedestal. I was upset, I went to him. I was sick, I went to him. I was annoyed, I went to him.

I began to depend heavily on him and I'd forgotten who had given him to me in the first place.

Earlier in the year, when we first got together I felt as if God had answered my prayers.

I had prayed for my fiancee for months when I liked him. I was falling head over heels for him and I couldn't and didn't want to stop myself. He became my best friend and one of my closest confidents.

He was a great friend, one of the best I'd ever had. Everything that I wanted in a guy.

Smart. Handsome. Intelligent. Strong. Christian. Dedicated. Caring. Loving. Family-Orientated. and that list could go on and on and on.

I remember laying on my bed one morning and looking up at my ceiling. Looking up at God and saying..."This is the man that I want to marry."

Prior to meeting him, marriage seemed so far off. I'd always just wanted a boyfriend. Someone to take care of me. When he came along, that changed. I looked in his eyes and saw the rest of my life.

So I prayed for him. Not only for his health and school and life. I prayed for him. For him to be the guy that would love me for the rest of my life.

We talked a lot around that time. I told him that if I were to date anybody that I would marry him. When he told me that he would only date a girl that he was going to marry, it made me fall more in love with him.

He always told me that he did not want to be with me, but for some reason, I could never get it out of my head that we were meant to be together. He was everything I ever hoped for.

Obviously, I could on for days talking about the love of my life, but fast forward....

I came to a realization. A really big one.

It wasn't up to me. My love life belonged to one person and one person only and that's God.

So I laid in that same place on my bed and I told God that I was done. I was no longer going to pray for this man, because I could have been praying for another girl's future husband. He may not have been in God's plan for me.

Lo and behold, the same week that I gave it all up to God was the same week that he asked me out and my life changed forever. Obviously, we got engaged and the plans were set.

If it were up to him, we would have gotten married only weeks later. However, our wedding was set for a year later and we continued to date and do what happy engaged couples do. :)

There was a lot of opposition. A lot.

There were many barriers. Our families. Our faith. Our schedules. Our hormones.

It was a journey but I was dedicated to him and making it work. I was committed to loving him for the rest of my life.

We weren't married yet, but I had already said through thick and thin.

Today, I type this with a broken heart. There's no way of knowing why things truly happen. But where in my little story did I mention God ?

I had forgotten that God had answered my prayers and that God was still the number one man in my life.

As I sat on the floor on the first day of my fast, I saw many things in my head. Mornings that I would wake up and immediately call my fiancee or check if he called me. Nights where I laid awake waiting for him to arrive safely home.

I still read my bible, I still prayed and did my devotionals, but only when it was convenient for me.

Losing my fiancee was truly the hardest day of my life. And nothing can compare.

My nieces who I raised from birth moved 9 hours away. My family left my church of 13 years. My father walked away from us and left us to a house with no heat or A/C. I lost my best friend to a college out of state. The list goes on. None of those things compare to my broken heart.

But there is a silver lining. And I'm not talking about the fact that I've lost weight from not eating or that my friends buy me coffee (my favorite drink in the world) to comfort me.

The silver lining is that I'm not alone and I don't have to fear. I took the past few days to focus on God. It wasn't easy. I texted and called my ex fiancee still. But there were many moments that I fought it and I prayed. I wake up early in the morning to pray and read and I go about my day. I cry every day, but I also reach out to my Father in Heaven to comfort me.

I still believe that God has a plan for my ex fiancee and I. I also believe that He doesn't make any mistakes.

I also know that he may not.
I'm still trying to make sense of what happened.

I do know that I want my fiancee back more than anything, but I also know that God has a plan for my life and that plan will go through because He is and He knows all things.

Thanks for reading! I know this update may seem long and inconclusive but I needed a place to vent and this is the perfect place to do that with my Wattpad Family of Christ. Feel free to comment any thoughts or verses. I hope if any of you are going through this that you will shift your focus to God to get through it because that is the only way. That is the only thing keeping me from hurting myself and crying my eyes out 24/7 and running away !

God Bless!