so far it's alright

Four *trigger warning*

Monday morning came far too fast, my head still reeling from the events of the weekend. Reaching across my bed to shut of my alarm I breathed in deeply taking in the last remnants of Matty's smell on my sheets. I smiled to myself thinking of the night before as I checked my phone.

Last night was amazing love. Cheers-Matty

I shot Caroline a message telling her to come by tonight so I could tell her all the nasty details, and for the first time checked the messages I had from Cam. All the texts were similar, all 30 of them. Constant apologies followed by anger about hearing that I left with some "twat", and then the reminders that I need him to keep me sane. With out answering him I got ready for my morning run, but I couldn't help my thoughts from floating back to the night I met Cam.

The music was so loud it felt like it was pounding straight through my veins, Rowan had my hand in hers spinning us around a group of boys I'd never even seen before. I couldn't even remember how we'd got to this club. She reached into her purse handing me a pill while she popped one in her mouth and blew me a kiss. This was how Rowan and I spent most nights. I swallowed carefully ready to escape from the real world around us. As Row spun off with a broad brunette that looked as if he could pass out any second arms tangled around my waist whispering to me about getting a drink, but we didn't stop dancing and grinding against each other for several more minutes. Breathless I let him lead me towards the bar, and offer me a shot, and then another. I searched the crowd for Row, checking my phone to see a text, her and the stranger had left she said she'd meet at mine later. The world around me was spinning, beautiful and sparkling.
After our shots my strange suitor pulled me towards him roughly kissing my mouth like he needed the kiss to survive. It made me feel like I was drowning. He lead me towards the door stealing kisses the entire way while I tripped over my own legs trying to keep up. We barely made it a block before I started to get sick, everything in me now dripping into the sewer drain. Mystery boy told me I was still beautiful, trying to kiss me while I pushed away. Begging me he told me we both wanted each other. A shadow came over us and he was off me, I was being helped off the ground by warm comforting hands. The voice asked where I lived, if my friends were near by. I just cried I couldn't even form words. He carried me to a car covering me in a sweatshirt before taking me back to his apartment. Cam, he introduced himself apologizing for the mess in his apartment. This boy gave me water, made sure I ate, and lent me a pair of pajama shorts and a sweatshirt. We stayed up for hours he rubbed my back as I came down, wiping the sweat, dirt, and makeup off my face as we talked.

After that night I was distant with Cam for a while. I was nervous that being around him would trigger memories of the trauma, I kept drinking, mixing it with taking pills to calm me down. For more than a month I was very rarely sober, but I still had panic attacks. Every time I'd call Cam. He was an angel about it, made sure he came as fast as he could to calm me down, held my hair while I threw up countless times, and never complained about it. When he and Caroline finally convinced me to see a therapist my life felt like it got back to semi normal. Cam and I started dating shortly after. It was about 8 months before he cheated the first time, I broke it off right away. The panic attacks came back though, and the only person I wanted to see was him. Our relationship went on like that for years. Until this weekend, I'm stronger now.
My feet pounded the pavement rounding the corner back to my house. Shaking the thoughts of that horrible night I remembered the few weeks following that where Cam spent most of his time with me. It was months before he and I  had sex but after that first night we spent almost every night together. He held me while I cried, took me to get all my things from Rowan and kept me safe from my own thoughts and nightmares. We were happy for a long time, almost a year, and when things went down hill it was fast and devastating. Multiple girls scarred his sheets where we used to sleep, but I believed him every time he told me it was nothing. I was so scared to be with out him and fall back into the habits that had gotten me so fucked up in the past that I stayed with him for another year. We drifted so far in the last year that leaving him over the weekend hadn't really seemed so sad, I knew I could take care of myself now.
Getting ready for work I finally sent Cam a message back.

Meet me for lunch at 1:30 we'll talk.-Jace

Thank you baby I miss you-Cam

With out answering I left for work. I didn't even know what I would say to him later, but I knew I wasn't letting him waste anymore of my time.