thoughts & stuff

11

11 months ago, you killed yourself.

11 months ago. i lost you.

11 fucking months ago, my heart broke.

i won't be ready for next month. i won't be ready for you to have been gone for so long.

i still have your note from two years ago telling me to hang on.

you were the strongest person i knew.
you always had a smile on. you always put others before yourself.

but it got to you.

the heartache, the pain killers, the coke, the alcohol, the Vicodin and xananx, all of it. it all caught up to you.

and i'll never forget that night. you said goodbye and i texted multiple times i called so many times i called your sister your dad your step mom your best friend. everyone. no one picked up.

and the next morning when you were found i lost it.

i was so confused and mad how the world could be so cruel it found someone so sweet and generous , so fucking. pure. and drive him to kill himself. you promised when we were younger you'd never leave my side. you'd never go away for too long.

i miss your sweet smile and warm hugs and calm conversations. i miss you. i wish you were still around to help me. this almost past year hasn't been easy at fucking all with out you. maddy and you are together though, and i know you're better off there then here.

i keep dreaming of you, and hoping one day i'll get a call from you like last time. i don't think i'd even have the guts to be mad at you. i miss you so much. things are really tough without you pushing me to my fullest.

i remember the nights you called me crying , i have never heard you sound so sad. i remember the nights we would face time when i got sad and you'd make me laugh to the point i was crying. i remember those point less conversations that weren't really all the pointless because by the end of it i alway felt good about it.  there's a lot going on. i wish you were still around man.

you always lit the room up with your smile. rest easy boy. i wish you were still around. god i wish you were. i love you.