thoughts & stuff

sexual assult.

it happened over 9 months ago. 9. yet. i can't seem to forget it.

i trusted you with my life at one point.

i came to you when i needed a good laugh.

i called you my bestfriend.

never, did i ever think you'd do something that cruel.

never did i think , you'd hurt me

never.

i see you in 6th period and my heart races.

it wants to leave. it wants to go home
i want to leave. i want to go home.
my mind wonders and i scream and cry inside my head.
i hate you.
i hate you it repeats
my eyes zoned out and i catch myself looking around the room until they find you.
a monster.
someone i'm scared of.
i look at your hands and suddenly i can't breathe no more.

you touched me. i wasn't ready. told you to stop. plenty of times. i had to push you off of me.

if i hadn't. god knows what would've happened. i mentioned it to you once. you say you don't recall. that it wasn't you. that you killed that part of you off.

i wish i could kill the memory or you out.

when i was younger my nana preached how if someone touches you and you tell them no more than once, they are bad. that i could always come to her. but i thought i owed you something. i thought that i had to give you something. so i played along with your game. and every god damn day
i hear your voice my heart stops. i hear your voice and i clench up. i become protective of my soul surroundings. i'm afraid.

i hear your fucking voice and it reminds me of just the day you kept begging and continuing. 

i hate you.

but i didn't then. i was so confused on my outlook of love and you took advantage of that.

i was hurting in need of healing and you knocked down the very little half walls i had left.

i hate you.

the worse part is, i didn't even realize how broken you made me until i left weeks after.

and now every time i see your face your hands or hear your voice. it reminds me of that day until i go home and cry myself and sorrows away.

so to the boy who sexually assaulted me in 8th grade while i was confused and in pain. i hate you.