50 Ways To Kill Your Boss

11. Blood Fountain

It turns out Jay is surprisingly good at CPR.

Unfortunately, Kyle still had a broken neck.

Fortunately, Marley fashioned him a rather effective spinal brace to wear while he healed.

Unfortunately, instead of a "rod" she used a "pool noodle"

Fortunately, Kyle had scoliosis since he was a child and his spine was fucked up anyway.

So the day was already off to a great start.

Jay accepted a congratulations banquet and a trophy for saving Kyle's life after being the one to kill him in the first place. (I mean, I assume you get a banquet and trophy when you successfully resuscitate someone after doing CPR on them. I wouldn't really know. Everyone I've done CPR on stayed pretty dead. So Jay's already saved more lives than me and he didn't even go to EMT school.)

Irregardless (is a terrible word, because it means the same thing as regardless. Just like loosen and unloosen, or thaw and de-thaw.)

Anyway (is a much better word.)

As the head chef, Blue, brought out the main course, Brock stood and tapped loudly on his glass. "Speech! Speech! Speech!" He chanted, loudly declaring exactly what he was doing, which went over everyone's head since they all thought he wanted Jay to make a speech.

Jay went dutifully up to the podium and began, "Uh, I want to start off by saying I'm no hero. I guess you could say I was just doing my job since my job here was never technically defined. Saving Kyle's life is probably, literally the least helpful thing I could possibly do for humanity. What a ride these past few weeks have been with you guys, and I would like to take a moment to appreciate Kyle's life-- "

Kyle raised his glass, and Montenegro quickly took it away since Kyle isn't old enough to drink.

" --and completely ignore the fact that we literally murder Perry, sometimes multiple times a day. I don't know where all those bodies go." He joked.

Everyone chuckled politely. Perry raised his glass, and Marley dumped a box full of clearly-labelled rat poison in it, overflowing the glass with powder. Perry put it down.

"Seriously, where do the bodies go? People at the Bar Mitzvah ate him, and when he respawned, did he just disappear from their digestive tracts? Are there 900 dead Perrys somewhere in the basement?"

He received no answer. Marley booed.

"Kay then. Thank you all, and welcome to the 174th Hunger games! Shit wait, that's the wrong script. May the gods be ever in your flavor." Jay's script had been switched out from The Hunger Games Adaptation 3rd Draft to NFL: A Bad Lip Reading. Both of them were then rightfully put into the garbage because it's 2018.

"It's 2018!" Jay declared, then left to go change into his Crocs.

Everyone applauded, but only because Brock was yelling "Clap! Clap! Clap!", loudly declaring they type of STD he had, but that went over everyone's heads too.

In a moment of sibling-like love, Marley gave Kyle a sparkler and carried him out of the banquet hall on her shoulders. This predictably resulted not only in Marley's hair catching fire and Kyle slamming his forehead into the low-clearance doorframe, but also caused Blue to become spooked and drop a platter of peeled fruit, where Cameron slipped on a strawberry peel and hit the ground hard.

This caused Baxter to laugh so hard her choked on a piece of steak and, kinda wanting a 'I saved someone's life' banquet herself, Claire came up behind him to perform the Heimlich. The piece of steak was successfully dislodged from his throat but was then launched directly into Brock's mouth, who then predictably began choking also.

Remember, all this was completely predictable from the get-go.

Claire, figuring out how this Heimlich thing could work to her advantage, got behind Brock and positioned him like a foam-ball-popper thing. She aimed him right at Perry just as he was starting to turn blue from lack of oxygen. She squeezed hard, and the steak was of course launched into Perry's throat. However, Claire got a little too excited and squeezed Brock a little too hard, causing everything he'd eaten in the past 12 hours to go flying at Perry.

Don't worry, it's not too gross. He's just a harmless surfer dude, so all he'd eaten was (predictably) grass, seawater, tortoise eggs, small shards of aluminum, and now one soggy piece of steak.

It was the aluminum shards that really did it. And by did it, I mean they sliced Perry's neck open. Brock had built up a tolerance.

Thankfully, the blood spurting from Perry's neck put out the fire on Marley's head, and created a nice little dipping fountain for the peeled strawberries.

I hope that's not too graphic. I'm just telling you what they did.

Blood Fountain