50 Ways To Kill Your Boss

6. Home Run

"Ladies, room 206 is requesting his bed be made." Jay paged the 3rd floor maid's lounge, where Claire and Cameron sat eating ramen. Only there really is no loudspeaker; Jay had crawled through the vents and spoken through the holes in the grate, then crawled back to the desk. "Improv." Jay pumped his fist.

"Why are there no male maids in this story? Doesn't that seem kinda sexist?" Cameron wondered out loud. She's not very bright.

"There are, they're just not important to the story." Claire replied.

The girls got up and headed for 206. "This guy has called us like 5 times now to make his bed."

"I know, and he gives me the creeps."

"It's the Johnny Depp cardboard cutout he keeps around."

"That's probably it."

~//~

The girls arrived at the odd guest's room and ouvred the door.

"Sorry I messed it up again." He said, sitting horizontally on the television. "I just love watching you ladies clean."

"Wow," Claire whispered to Cam. "I can already hear Keith Morrison quoting that on a future episode of Dateline."

The girls began cleaning up the mess he had made, like leaving paper towels stapled across the ceiling, removing Perry from the floorboards, and temporarily relocating the turtles living under the bed. They keep getting sent out for stuff like this, it's really time they move. Especially now that they're starting a family--

Cameron grew uneasy watching the guest atop the TV, precariously sipping a Juicy Juice box way too close to the wires. In one of her very, very... (hold up, I'm talking VERY) rare smart moves, Cam reached the broom up to dust the cobwebs off the ceiling, and "accidentally" knocked the light fixture, causing glass to fall and the lightbulb to drop, dangling by its bare wires.

"Oh, dratch."

"What the hell is that?"

"Don't worry, I'll just give the mechanic a call." Cam assured him, earning a weird glance from Claire.

Cameron stepped out into the hall and phoned the basement.

"Marley's Silly String Emporium." was the answer.

"Oh, sorry. I'm trying to call a different Marley." Cameron concluded, even though the phone lines at the hotel were completely internal.

"Hey, it's me."

"Oh! Good, We have a broken light situation on the second floor."

"Cool."

"...Can you fix it?"

"Oh, you want me to--? Ok, got ya. Be right there."

"Hey Marley wait--"

Marley had already hung up. Cam called back quickly.

"TGI Friday's."

"Shoot, sorry, wrong number."

"No, Cam, it's me Marley."

"Oh. I meant to warn you about this guy up here. We got a Code: Cardboard Johnny Depp here."

"Oh shit. I'll be right there." Marley had no idea what this code meant but she wasn't ready to rule out a slip-n-slide involvement.

~//~

Two minutes later, (although I doubt that ~//~ took you two minutes to read, so for you, like four seconds later) Marley burst through the door with the unwavering confidence of a Macy's parade balloon.

"Listen, Stallion." She addressed the man across the room. "You leave these fillies alone."

"And who are you?" He mocked.

"Your worst mare."

Cameron coughed.

"That horse pun SUUUUUUUCKED." Claire booed.

"I think we can leave if you just fix the light--" Cameron said, stepping forward.

"Can you get back to cleaning?" The man shoved a feather duster into Claire's hands.

"I'll handle this guy, babe." Marley said. She turned and shouted across the room, "Hey you, keep your damn hands off her! And her! Both hers!" Marley assumed a fighting stance.

"You wanna fight me?" He stood up about a quarter inch taller.

"Um, well, I was kinda hoping we could just make fighting poses and scare the crap out of each other." She bounced lightly on her toes.

"You don't scare me."

"You should be scared of her." Claire said. "She has sharp tools and chemicals and absolutely NO idea how to do ANYTHING."

"YEAH wait what?"

"She's made it this far in life without somehow killing herself in a freak accident, so I doubt you can do any damage to her." Claire continued.

"Look I'm really happy you're sticking up for me but also I feel insulted? Just get out of here!" Marley whispered to Claire and motioned to the door behind her back.

Claire and Cameron ran past, but the guy reached out and grabbed Claire's arm.

She screamed.

"Hey, get your-- wait, I already used that line. Uh, pick on somebody your own size!"

"Like you?"

"...No, not at all!"

Claire struggled and the guy tightened his grip, making Claire squeal a little.

"Yeah, yes, like me! Pick on somebody like me! Right now, punk!"

"Okay" he let go of Claire and just as quickly grabbed Marley's arm.

Marley winced. "Nice grip, big guy." She waved for Claire and Cameron to run.

"Let's take this outside, huh? I don't wanna get my hotel room all bloody." He said, starting to drag Marley out into the hall.

"Good plan, punk! Less for my ladies to have to clean."

He pulled his phone out of his pocket. "Hey Siri! Text Skull Crusher, and tell him to meet me outside the Sea Chantey with his bat. Forward that to Jerry."

"Haha cool yeah bring friends" Marley laughed nervously. "I'll call my people."

Cameron watched stressfully. "Nobody has to fight anybody, guys." She ran over and tried to pry the guy's hand off Marley.

He slapped her so hard she hit the wall.

Marley yanked her arm out of his grip and instantly began throwing punches. "I'll make you wish you were never born!" She growled, getting between him and Cameron and quickly fighting him back towards the stairwell.

"Are you okay?" Claire helped Cameron to her feet.

"Yeah..." She touched her cheek, and her fingers came away blue. "His nails weren't even dry..."

As the stair doors closed, the elevator opened and Wilson Perry stepped out. "Where's my mechanic?" He said.

"Fighting one of our guests."

"Good."

The elevator opened again, and two big bald guys with scalp tattoos and a baseball bat stepped out. "Hey, have you seen a guy that looks like us, probably beating up someone smaller than him?"

Both girls pointed towards the stair doors.

"Thanks."

"Hey, can I see that for a second?" Claire asked, reaching for the bat. He handed it to her, and she swiftly knocked off Perry's head. "Thanks."

Home Run