50 Ways To Kill Your Boss

9. Megalodon

The crew working the Bar Mitzvah (Marley, Jay, Brock, Claire, and Kyle) did end up having to spend the night on Bar Mitzvah Island because by the time they cleaned everything up, Marley had had way too much to drink.

So it wasn't until morning that they packed everything back up on the boat and raised anchor. (the Perry-kabobs went over VERY well, by the way. Nobody questioned if it was kosher, but Perry was actually Jewish so that makes it kosher, I believe.)

Marley and Brock were still hell-bent on finding the Secret Island, and after 10 minutes on the open ocean, Jay was bored out of his mind.

"Man, I wish we could break some laws." Jay said, swinging his legs over the edge of the ship.

Marley leaned in close. "We are breaking a law." She grinned. "There's no fire extinguisher on this boat."

"Probably for the best." Brock said, "You have a tendency to set fire extinguishers." As seen in Chapter 2.

"I do. Medically diagnosed Antipyromania. That's why I take Xanax."

"Hey! I'm bored! There's nothing but water for miles and miles!" Ever since killing Perry last night, Jay felt like a real part of the crew. Which meant he could bicker with them, he figured.

"Yeah," Marley said, "miles DOWN. There's so much to do! You ever been SCUBA diving?"

"I've been SCBA diving. It wasn't underwater."

"Well, good, we don't have SCUBA gear here. We have tethers." Marley opened a deckbox and pulled out the end of a long hose. "It's an oxygen line connected to the boat. It's called Snuba diving, and it's a real thing." She told the camera. "Look it up."

"Sheesh, sorry." Jay accepted the line and put on a face mask. "Is it dangerous?"

"No, totally safe. Just like, don't come up too fast, and don't hold your breath at any point, And definitely, don't come up too fast. Like, even a few feet. I'm telling you. Don't come up too fast. You will die."

"I don't think I got all that. Can you show me?"

~

"We're underwater now." Jay established. The water was a nice light blue above them and dark far below them, and a little bit yellow near Kyle's crotch. Various fish swam by, mostly not giving a shit.

"Good. The situation on the boat was rapidly deteriorating." Marley said, somehow managing to talk under water.

"Yeah, how can we talk under water anyway?" Jay asked.

"You said you wanted to break some laws. What better law than physics?"

"Why can't we break regular laws, like cops?"

"Speaking of laws, duck." Marley pushed Jay down lower, away from the boat.

The largest-ass shark you've ever seen, about three times the size of their pirate boat, swam just over their heads, nearly severing their oxygen lines.

Jay was shaken. "How was that speaking of laws!?"

"Did I say laws? I meant Jaws. I thought we were talking about breaking jaws."

Jay looked at the massive figure slowly disappearing beyond into the open water. "That was a megalodon!"

"Yes."

"They're extinct!"

Marley pointed. "No, they're not."

"Holy crap! How is that possible? Was it brought back from extinction or did it survive or what?"

"You ever heard of Dolly the sheep?" Marley asked.

"Wait, you mean someone cloned a megalodon!?"

Marley looked confused. "What? No, I was just asking if you've heard of a sheep, dude. I think megalodons never went extinct. I mean look at how big the fucking ocean is. I mean, look at that! What is that?" She pointed to an ambiguous shape below them, a slightly lighter color than the rest of the water.

They began swimming towards it.

Jay still wasn't over the megalodon thing. As anyone would after nearly being bumped by one. "I thought extinct animal sightings were a conspiracy theory!" Jay said.

"Why?" Kyle asked. "You know what's a REAL conspiracy theory? Scissors."

"You mean scissoring?" Marley grinned. "Rare, I'll give you that. But I've seen it."

"What? No."

"Then what did you mean?" Jay asked.

"Scissors."

"Like, whether or not they exist?"

"I mean scissors!"

"Holy fuck you guys!" Marley called out. She had gotten closer to the ambiguous shape, which was now less ambiguous and more Snoop-shaped. "I think this is the secret island!"

"How can it be an island if it's underwater?" Jay asked.

"Don't try to poke holes in my logic, Jay. Poking holes in things underwater is dangerous for you oxygen-breathers."

The island did look like fun. There appeared to be balloons and party hats and treasure chests. Marley swam down to it and grabbed a balloon.

Jay caught up. "Wow, what do they fill balloons with underwater?"

"More balloons."

"Incredible."

"I'm kidding, it's helium. Jesus." Marley scanned over the small island, frowning. Kyle had already found the playground. "Guys, this isn't the Secret Island." Marley declared.

"What?" Kyle asked, bouncing on a teeter totter tater tot.

"It's just an outpost for Bar Mitzvah island. It's the Bar Mitzvah Island Vacation Home. The real secret island is covered in land mines."

Jay paused. "Wait... so why did we want to go there?"

"Well it's more than just land mines, Jay."

"I feel like land mines kind of negate whatever else is on there."

"I'll show you how to walk on stilts someday, okay?" Marley started gradually ascending back to the boat.

Perry took note of her inclusivity of Jay and her foresight to remember to ascend slowly. He marked it down on a clipboard. She guided the rest of them to all ascend slowly.

"Why don't we want to ascend quickly again?" Jay asked.

"We don't want the surface to think we're too eager."

"Oh."

Marley and Brock made eye contact for a minute, motioning to the balloon in her hands. She gave it over to him and he untied the bottom, placing the balloon under Perry's butt.

Upon letting go of the balloon, Perry was raised upward at a dangerously fast pace of about ten feet per minute.

"This is gonna be so cool in like 8 more minutes." Kyle said excitedly.

They all watched the slow ascent and hoped Perry would explode soon.

Suddenly, a massive shadow appeared and as it got closer, they could see the megalodon coming back. Attracted to the bubbles, as most large extinct creatures are, the megalodon swam quickly by and opened its jaws wide enough to swallow the whole boat. Instead, it wasted all that space and went right for Perry at dizzying speed, and was gone in an instant.

"That was lucky."

"That was intentional." Marley held up her phone. "I have connections."

"Who did you call, Aquaman?"

"You believe in Aquaman!? No, I called Shark Boy and Lava Girl. Obviously Lava Girl was no help in the situation."

They heard the soft boom of Perry exploding inside the shark somewhere in the distance.

Brock caught the look on Jay's face. "Don't worry, there's more of them."

Megalodon