random oc stuff

vent type thing

Let me clarify that I'm not doing this for pity
More so of letting out my feelings because today was the day my father decided to take his life.
I wish I could tell him goodbye one last time I wish I could tell him I love you one last time.
Because the final time I saw him I decided that I wanted to play games instead and I didn't spend much time with him the little time he was there
And I hate myself for that.
The last time I saw my father I decided to not give him the love that he deserved especially after falling down a man hole and breaking his leg.
I miss him sooo much.
I miss his humor I miss his cooking I miss everything about him.
I wonder how I could've prevented it.
Because he was so disappointed in himself for not being able to take care of me.
I wonder if he would've been happy if he saw that I was writing and drawing and all that.
I miss the fact that I used to call him papa bear.
I miss how bright he was and how he never judged me and how his smile could brighten the room in seconds.
I know he was in pain but I wish I just wish I could hug him and tell him that I love him with all my heart one last time.
He used to randomly show up in his van and have cookies in the back for me and my friend.
He fucking bought me a bear skinned rug.
He taught me that being weird okay and the best way to be.
Yes he was messed up and did some bad things but none the less he was a amazing person.
I wish he could've lived his life longer and recover.
I miss him so god damn much.
Whenever I her a train it reminds me of him.
At the moment I hear them.
They went a on longer than usual.
Like a sign of him telling me it's going to be alright.
He took me places and let me explore.
And just like me he lover sour things.
The one of things I loved most about him was his icy blue eyes.
I wish I had them.

I just wanna I say dad
That I love you and I hope with all my heart that you knew that