Never Yours : Allah Knows Best

part 4

i jumped off the bed knowing well what he wanted to do 

_what do you want ? what are you going to do .

_lower your voice ! you know very well what i meant let's be done with it , my father wants kids and that won't happen if we didn't even consummate the marriage .

_but .......how  ? just like that ? 

he came closer and leaned down 

_ why ? are you a afraid ? .......i am not your first so it's not an issue to do it directly right ? 

he said with a mocking smile his finger caressing my cheek 

i removed his hand roughly 

_ i have never....
_ keep your damn voice down ! he hissed grabbing my arm tightly 

at that moment my tears betrayed me i didn't want to cry and show my weakness , i felt helpless 

_ if you don't believe me that's your problem ! i don't know what my stepmom told everyone but i know that i am still pure and if you don't believe me a doctor will confirm what i am saying .

_ no need for a doctor i will confirm myself ; he smirked while directing me to the bed 

_ no ! no i don't want to !

_ you dare to refuse your husband? ! you know that a woman is cursed if she refuses to submit to her husband , i am not enjoying this either but i have no choice so cut the crap and lay down 

he was talking in a calm voice reasling my arm ,i was trembling at the thought of what will happen next , what he said was right he was my husband in the eyes of allah i shouldn't refuse him but to do it suddenly like this ! even though i was married but i had a hope that someday this will end then i would meet some nice guy who will truly love me and care for me someone who could make me forget everything .... for me that person was the only one who deserved this not okba not this cruel man 

tears of agony ran down my cheeks i laid down and closed my eyes i felt so weak , i should fight or run away but ......why i am like this  ? 

i heard him sigh then felt the bed dip down by his weight i felt that my heart will explode while he got on top of me spreading my legs apart using his own leg , everything happend quickly he pulled up  my dress and i felt sharp pain i screamed  my body arching  upwards and  my hands pushing him away  

_ stop !!! you are hurting me 

_ stay still ! he held my hands while pulling away and starred down as if he was checking something 
After what seemed like ages
he lifted his head up he had different expression , as if he was shocked he shaked his head in confusion and blinked he stared at me his eybrows coming together 

_stay away from me ! i pushed him away and got up "ouch ! "  a tearing sensation between my legs

i saw the red stain on the bed
he  stared at it then at me as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing

_ what is the meaning of this ? he said coming toward me

_don't come near me ! stay away 

i ran to the bathroom closing the door behind me and sat on the floor bringing my legs to my chest i was trembling from head to toe
Even during the accident i didn't feel this way, now i have lost everything really everything i felt dirty
I know he was my husband and its in the halal but i can't help but feel that way

_mira, can you please open the door i swear i won't touch you
_leave me alone!..... Please just let me be  please! I said in a broken voice

I stepped into the tub still wearing my clothes i let the water flow
But even if i wash myself and drain my body in a river i would never be clean again.............................

It was morning, i haven't slept all night i didn't even notice the sun rise
Still in the tub my tears have dried i had a blank look
Suicide? I would have done it but i fear allah my faith is not that weak
_ya allah be with me
Astaghfirualllah
I decided to get of the bathroom i can't stay here for ever
When i opened the door he was there standing waiting for me to get out
I was going to close back the door but i am not the one who should run away.
He had unusual look
His eyes flashed regret pain pitty and shame
It looked like he hadn't sleep last night too
I stared at him coldly a part of me revealed that he knows at least his mistake
He lowered his gaze to the floor
_  uh........ I......
I ignored him and went to grab some clothes
He tried stopping by holding my arm
_Don't touch me!. I screamed and looked at him in horror
He gave me a shocked look.  His eyes wide at my reaction it was clear that i was a afraid
His eyes were red by now
_i am sorry...... I am really.. I i thought that....
_stop! I said covering my ears... Just stop i can't take it anymore i am sick of everything i lost everything that i have
Can you at least understand that i want to stay alone!
He stroked his forehead and eyes and got out
Before closing the door he gave me one last look
_i am really sorry mira...

Hey guys i am sorry for being late on updates i am having personal issues right know but i will try my best to be quick about updates
I hope you like this chapter forgive me for mistakes
Do let me know in the comments

See you next time!