Promise me you will always................

...In the darkness... there is light....

I woke Kara up when the sun shone through her window. Jase had helped me last night and early this morning. He was still working. Somehow, he looked calm, serene, at peace with himself. A kind of peace that exists when the soul has a purpose, when it has let go of hurt and pain and wants to live again. I knew he wanted to.

I made her favorite breakfast and carried her tray up to her room. Setting it down, I went to shake her. "Kara, girl, get up." I whispered and her eyes flew open. She could never sleep peacefully. 

"What happened Granny?" She asked, suddenly all alert, as if awaiting another blow from life. 

"Its a beautiful morning girl. I thought I'll wake you with your breakfast." I smiled. I tried to make it look real, and huge, but I don't think I succeeded, she frowned and looked at me is tilt in her head that always said "I know you are hiding." She always did that to Karen, and the poor girl would blurt everything out.

Remembering Karen brought a tear to my eye. Life could be cruel sometimes. Suddenly, a lusty house  cry rang through the house and I sighed. It was a narrow escape. I turned around and walked out to bring Jake and his granny Marge inside. She looked sad and Jake looked angry, perhaps he had been missing his aunt-mother.

I picked Jake from Marge's arms and turned towards Kara, she was starring at the tiny bundle in my hands with  so much love and longing that it nearly broke my heart, but the stubborn girl made no move to get him in her arms. Mutely, with pain in her eyes she starred on. "Kara," I whispered, I think you need to start living again, just like you said you wanted to. For that I believe you will need a little help from us. I request you to let us do that," I knew she was too stubborn for her own good, but I so desperately wanted to see her happy. 

She looked at me then, as if thinking over what I had said, as if measuring every word of mine and calculating its implication. I knew she had her trepidations, I knew she had the right to, but I wanted her to seize life with both her hands and live to the fullest, after all we just have one life to live.

"What do you want me to do?" She whispered, her eyes shining with tears and uncertainty, as she forced her self to resolve to want to live. I could see it in her demeanor, in her eyes. Feeling a little elated at the tiny but crucial progress I had made I smiled and handed Jake back to Marge before pulling out and envelope from my apron pocket and handing it to Kara, "Eat you cake and tea and then read this letter. After that I wish to see you dressed in the blue dress I have laid on the bed for you. You have half an hour to yourself. Take care my little one." I spoke firmly but with love. What I was asking her to do was difficult, beyond difficult, but it was important, very very important.

Marge and I turned and walked out, closing the door behind us, she needed it. "Oh Aunt Norris!! What is going to happen?" wailed a desolate Marge as we walked down the stairs and into the kitchen.

"Only the best is going to happen girl, it may take time, but it will." I patted her arm reassuringly and set the kettle to make some tea. We began to talk about Jake and how fast this tot was growing up as we waited with bated breath for Kara to come down.

...................

KARA's POV:

I starred at the closed door. Oh!! How my hands itched to pluck my boy out of granny's hands! How was I going to live without my love. I sighed as I pressed my hands together. Only then did I realise I was holding something. I opened the envelope and pulled out a letter. Somehow, I knew who had written it, I knew what it was about. I forced myself to open and I begin reading. The words didn't register at first, they looked like tiny black ants crawling on the paper. My eyes were too blurred to see and mind too numb to grasp.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to read, and realised that I was shaking, shaking like a leaf, I was crying too. The drops on the letter told me that. Shakily, I wiped my tears and read out aloud, softly but allowed so that I could focus:

Dear Kara,

I know you are in this state because of me and I know that an apology won't make things better, but I guess we have to start some where, so I start here, I apologise for everything my girl, for every pain, hurt and tear I caused to you. 

I know this also that you cannot forgive me now, but I hope that, perhaps one day, you will. I will wait for that day.

I wanted to explain to you why what happened, although there is no adequate reason,but well I need you to know this, perhaps it will help you cope a little as well. That night, when we both lost such an important guy in our lives, we both reacted differently, you by staying next to the grave, and me by going and getting drunk.Suddenly, I remembered you, you needed support. So, the little drunk me, or so I thought staggered to the grave to find you sitting there, under the moon light, looking lost and fore loon.

My heart broke a million peices when I saw you and slowly, I found the courage to walk up to you. You looked up when I stood in front of you and those eyes, well, they said it all. I couldn't stop myself and soon found you in my arms, weeping your heart out against mine. I wanted to love you then, just like I had always dreamt about, yes, I had loved you. 

I had never had sex before, and I knew neither had you. It was all I had heard about though, seen and read, never  really understood it. I thought you would need comfort as I did, in the same way as I did and I guess that made me do what I finally did to you. When your cries and pleas rang out in the night, I realised you didn't want it, any of it and I was hurting you, but I was too novice, too out of control to stop. 

I... (here the words were smeared, he had been crying too) I really can't apologise, but I must explain. For all these years, every night, every single night, I would hear you scream, beg and pleas and I would jerk out of my nightmare sweating, breathing hard, yelling for you, hoping you would come to me and I would keep you safe, safe from the monster who was me.

When I saw Karen, I thought I was seeing you. But then I realised who she was and my guilt knew no bounds. But my angel filled my life with light and love. Soon, I found myse;f telling her why I coulnd't marry her, even when I wanted to. I had never been able to have sex after that night, I simply couldn't do it to another woman. I told her all about it, except, I didn't have the courage to tell her it was you. She never asked though but simply began to build my life. She loved me, as I loved her, she made me whole.

No, I never confused her with you. I loved you too, but it was always over powered with guilt, with her, Loved her without reservations, as she loved me for myself. I know how you hated letting her marry me, I really wanted to apologise then, but one look at you and I knew an apology would never ever be enough.

Today, I need to build your life, however you may want it, not because you are not capable, you are so much more capable, but because I need to redeem myself and because I promised my wife, I would give her sister the family she always carved for. 

Kara, I know you hate me beyond words, but please, please give me a chance to be of service to you, in anyway possible so that atleast Karen would be happy seeing you live angain and so would I and most importantly because you deserve the world.

yours,

Jake.

" 

I read those words, smudged with his tears and sometimes mine, again and again and although tried, I cpouldn't get rid of the anger brimming in me, ready to explode. How I hated him!!

But, Karen! Karen wanted for me what she wanted for Jake, she had made me promise the same things for him. What would I do?

How I wished myself dead!! I wanted to die!!

But when you have hit rock bottom in life and you realise that there could be nothing worse that this, you find the strength to survive, to live and somewhere, in the deep recess of your heart a will is born, a force that wishes to live, to live life as it is meant to be. This force was now  a part of me and it forced me to get up and get ready and then square my shoulders to walk towards my destiny. I would meet it head on!!