Golden (Book 1 of the Golden Series)

Because I care about you guys...

It took me eight months to realise that I deserved better.  To realise that this wasn't a normal relationship and that a relationship with so many ups and downs and volatile moments was not something that anyone should want. Your partner should be your best friend and they should make you feel safe, they shouldn't make you question yourself or your relationship.

Because of the emotional abuse he caused me, I am now still trying to make myself love myself again even after we've ended. And honestly, I don't know how long it is going to take me to get his words out of my head and be myself again. I never thought I would be THAT girl, I always thought I would be strong enough to know I deserved better, but it turned out that that wasn't the case.

I'm saying this because this book has drastically changed from the first version, but it has changed in a way much more terrifying to me.

The first book that I wrote when I was 15 had punches being thrown left, right and centre and was so packed full of these intense moments that it seemed fake, even reading it now I cringe at the way it's written and the lack of impact these moments have on the characters. It is not realistic.

This book, however, I am pouring my heart and soul into and the reason I'm telling you all this is because I don't want anyone to go through what I went through.

People are commenting that they don't get why Elle stays with Matt, that they don't understand how she doesn't just leave him. And I'm here to tell you that it's not that easy. People who are master manipulators will make you think that you NEED them. That without them you don't have purpose and you'll be alone. They also distance you so much from your friends and family that sometimes you actually feel completely alone and that person is the only person you have by your side. It's a scary thing and it happens without you even realising it.

The books that tell you that a relationship where someone is insanely possessive, demanding or controlling is good, are wrong. Do not ever aim to have a relationship where someone thinks they have possession of you. It is disgusting and I promise that the other person in the partnership, although the book makes it seem romantic, is not happy, and they are not in a healthy and loving relationship.

I'm saying this because if any of you ever notice anything like this happening to you, you need to get away from it, you all deserve to be loved for who you are and in a way that you value. Do not ever listen to anyone who says they love you but then criticise you for being yourself– whether it be romantic or not, a friend can just be as abusive as a partner.

Friends who only value you when they need something, leave you in bad times or are only friends with you for a particular reason, are NOT your friends. They are manipulative and the horrible thing is that these kinds of people pray on people that are in weak places and are just looking to be loved or be happy.

People are commenting saying they know people like Matt, or people like Carter and that is terrifying to me because it's so common and it shouldn't be. If anyone ever acts like this, if a partner punishes you for doing something you love or makes you feel bad about yourself then leave them. If there are guys (or girls) around you who don't respect people, their personal space or their beliefs then distance yourself and look out for one another. If there are guys like Carter around you then fucking call them out on it.

If you know someone in a situation like I was, then help them and reach out. It may take months for them to finally accept your help and you may want to just give up because they're adamant that they're fine. But I promise you, the moment you're about to give up is when they need you most. And having supportive friends in a time like that will help them to break free of the situation they are in.

I wish I had someone to say to me that I deserved more, I wish I had friends who were close by who looked out for me and realised the things that were happening were not right and told me that I deserved better. It's not about not liking someones boyfriend, it's about wanting what's best for your friend and if you ever see behaviour like this then please don't leave them to that relationship. I had some friends who tried and gave up after a while, and I wish I had listened to them but I was completely blinded by love and didn't want to lose teh first person that actually physically wanted me for more than a short time. Being lonely is the worst feeling in the world and people will do just about anything to not feel it.

The support you guys have given me on this book is incredible and I got the confidence to start writing again only recently so thank you for making me begin to love myself again.

I want this book, and my profile, to be a place where people can talk. Where they can share stories in a safe environment and get help if they need it. Which is why I'm saying right now that each and every one of you matter and if you ever need someone to talk to I am right here. Please, just send me a message and I will reply as soon as I can. I don't want anyone feeling like I did.

I know this is pretty heavy stuff, and most of you have probably scrolled right past this, but if you haven't then thank you so much.

The book is going to get darker as it continues and there will be disturbing scenes, if anyone is affected by any of these then again please talk to me, even if you just want someone to talk to then talk to me.

I love you guys from the bottom of my heart and I would never want any of you to suffer.

So that's me done with that, I know it's a lot to read and it's very deep and emotional but I just wanted to get it out there because I think it was something that needed to be said and needed to be heard. I'm slowly getting better and recovering from what happened and a massive part of that is this website and my writing. This has been pretty difficult for me to accept and be open about but I thought I owed it to you guys to share my experience.

I promise the next upload is coming soon, and honestly you guys are unreal. This book is almost at 10K reads and I just wanted to use this opportunity to spread a little bit of awareness and advice.

Thanks again for supporting me.

I love you all.

Ellis x

P.s. if anyone is brave enough and comfortable enough then share your stories below, I want this place to be safe for everyone. But again, if you're not there yet then send me a private message. I'd love to chat. And it doesn't have to be about only this issue- whatevers going on I'm here x