Ed Sheeran Imagines - Pure & Smut

Broken - Part 2

"Don't apologize sweetheart".

As I sat down at the table I watched her as she moved across the kitchen so stiffly, she was in auto pilot, this wasn't her. She placed the coffee down on the table in front of me and sat down. I saw the look of confusion on her face as she looked upon her food. Time had eluded her once again. I reached out for her hand and called for attention.

"Ella" I repeated over and over again until eventually she turned my way and smiled as though I hadn't been asking for her for the last 2 minutes.

"I'll be right back, eat your breakfast darlin". I got up and walked out of the room, picking up the phone as I went by. I made sure to keep her in my line of sight, today she wasn't leaving my view, today she needed me to be right there next to her, helping to guide her through the darkness that had become her mind.

"I'm busy today mate, we'll have to take a rain check". I was as vague as possible without sounding rude. I lied, but not in the traditional sense. Truth of the matter was that I was going to be busy, but just not in a way that most people would understand. Today I would be busy telling her to take deeper breaths, today I would be busy trying to silence her irrational thoughts, today I would be busy calming her racing heart, today I would be busy telling her that she is okay. Some day's this was my busy and I will never apologize for that.

I stood in the door way and watched her as she struggled to eat. After a few small bites, she was done. She didn't eat much on day's like this, either did I. I watched as she inhaled sharply and clutched her shaking hand into a fist. "I can't do this anymore" she whispered to herself as she began to struggle to breath.

I walked into the room quickly and grabbed her hand before she could lose herself further. I brought her over and sat her on the lounge and held her hands tightly. Tears were falling freely down her cheeks but there was no emotion.

Usually I would never ask but today I had to know. She needed to talk to me, I needed to know what I was going up against.

"Talk to me Elle, what's going on in that beautiful mind of yours", she just looked to her feet. There was nothing until she looked up at me with hate in her eyes, it took me by surprise.

"You don't get it okay. It's not easy for me to explain and I'm not trying to be lazy, it's just that I'm so fucking tired and I have no motivation to succeed anymore. I don't know why this life is happening to me. I've tried so hard to get better, to get over this, to forget it all and move on and I thought I was getting to the point where I could say "wow, I'm feeling a lot better" but right now, in this moment I couldn't feel any worse. And I can't talk about it because if I talk about it that means it matters and if it matters that means it's real and if it's real that mean's its going to hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore".

Without hesitation she escaped my grip and ran into the bathroom slamming the door. I stood there in shock, never had she ever spoken to me like that before. It took me a moment to process what had just happened before the realization set in that she was alone. I could hear her beginning to hyperventilate. I followed her path. When I opened the door my heart shattered. There she was on the floor, on her knee's crying hysterically. The girl who 9/10 seemed unbreakable had broke. I maneuvered myself behind her and brought her firmly to me, I held her by the wrists as she fought against my strength begging to be left alone, pleading with me to let her go. I held her tightly, as tight as I could without hurting her. I whispered into her ear over and over again, "it's okay darlin, you're okay, I'm right here, I'm not going to leave you, I love you sweetheart". Eventually I felt her relax into my arms and stop fighting. She cried so hard.

"I'm so sorry Ed", "I can't do this anymore", "I just want to go to sleep and never wake up". Just some of the phrases that were echoing around my head. I just sat there, letting her shake in my arms as her cries eventually hushed. I know she's tired, I know she is physically and emotionally drained but she has to keep going.

"You know what the scariest part is?" she whispered as gently rocked her back and forth.

"The scariest part isn't the feeling of loneliness or the darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness. The scariest part is the realization that you have lost yourself completely, sinking as you lay awake at 2am because you've lost the ability to sleep and you can't even cry because you just don't care anymore"

That's when it hit me, this time tears came in waves, waves big enough to pull us both under its current. My sweet girl, why did she think these thoughts? She is everything, courageous and brave, intelligent, and witty, there is a fire in her soul burning so bright that the stars are jealous. Please don't think these thoughts, harsh words don't belong in such a beautiful mind.

We must have sat there for an hour, completely lost in each other and all the feelings associated with this mornings events.

She frightened me when she lept to her feet, I thought for a moment she was going to run but as she grabbed my hand and led me out the door the feeling of dread left my body.

"It's raining Ed" she said so matter of fact with the most beautiful smile draped across her face. I watched her as she led us both outside into the pouring rain. She let go of my hand as she spread her arms out wide and walked down the stairs and twirled into the courtyard. She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible as she danced with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings. She goes through hell and comes out an angel. She was kicking her feet, splashing water about when I had the realization that unbecoming everything that isn't really her is what's leading her to becoming who she is truly meant to be in the first place. As I took her hands and spun her around I knew this was the real Elanor, she was a wildflower. She spent her days allowing herself to grow, not many knew of he struggles but all knew of her light and her light is what was going to get us through whatever lye ahead. While everyone had fallen in love with her smile, I had also fallen for her scars, they were what made her her.

We had both found ourselves on the ground laughing, happiness had found her again, light was once again shining though. She had her hand rested on my chest as she began to kiss me deeply. I rolled her onto her back and climbed on top, shielding her from the rain. I love her so much, and that terrifies me. That terrifies me because one day I might not be here to get her through it. One day she could give up.

"I can't lose you to the demons inside your head" I said as I looked down on the most incredible woman I had ever met. "I've wanted to die a thousand times but somehow despite it all, I'm still so in love with this life, our life." I knew in that moment, everything was going to be alright.