Adopted by Phan

Chapter 109

Jay's P.O.V.

Something was very wrong. Very, very wrong. I was falling down a dark hole inside my mind and as each day went by I became more and more sure that I wouldn't be able to climb out of it.

I kept having flashbacks to everything that had happened, in the recent months and, strangely, I began to remember things from when I was younger. I began to remember the times my father had beaten me, all the times my mother ignored me as if I wasn't there and the times my brother had taunted me because he was better than me.

The scariest time came one night, when Phoenix was about a month old, and I had a nightmare one night and I remembered everything. I remembered the first time my father raped me at nine years old and left me to die out on the porch in freezing cold weather, where I was rescued by my neighbours.

I remembered being in the hospital for weeks, recovering the physical damage as well as the mental damage. I remembered hearing that my mother and brother had fled the country for Australia, in fear of my father and in fear of the law. I remembered the trial, facing my father for what I had hoped to be the last time even though it didn't work out that way.

The nightmare scared me so much that I woke up screaming so loud that my voice cracked and I didn't sleep for the rest of the night. I just cried.

Phoenix was my only main comfort, he was a reminder to me that my father was dead, my life had changed and I didn't need to worry about it anymore, even though it still scared me. He gave me something to cling onto, knowing that it wasn't going to go back to the way it had been.

Anais was also a major comfort, she came around to our house after school on the days that I didn't go into the hospital and just hung out with me. She seemed to know how to deal with what I was going through, if I panicked she calmed me down, if I fell asleep and had a nightmare she would comfort me.

When she was with me it was nice to know that she was there and it was a huge comfort because there was no chance of things getting out of hand. When I asked how she knew what to do she had replied saying that her younger brother, who now lived with their grandma, had been molested by a boy from his school and had developed PTSD, although she had told me anything more than that.

I had also developed what I knew was completely ludicrous fears and would have thought of them that way up until that point, especially while I had been on the streets.

I jumped whenever someone moved suddenly, a light turned on without me expecting it or there was a sudden noise, sudden noises got me the worst through. Doors slamming, car horns honking, people talking without me looking at them or knowing they were there but even little things like someone walking into something, even when I was looking at them, sudden beeps or things like that.

The noises didn't have to be big, they just had to be sudden and then my heart was racing, my blood pounding in my ears and adrenaline was racing through my body.

Phoenix helped me block out those things, he almost acted as earplugs against the noises that scared me so much and I tried to spend as much time as I could around him, in the same room if I couldn't hold him.

The only problem was, I didn't want to be in the same room as Dan and Phil. They had never done anything wrong, hell it was the complete opposite, but every time I spent longer than a few minutes in the same room as them without complete concentration on something, everything came back and it sent me into a spiral of memories.

Just being in the same room as them brought back all of the memories and because I was so scared I tried to do it as little as possible.

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"Jay? Can you take the backpack please?" I looked up from my book and nodded silently, taking the bag from Dan's hand and slipping my book into it, picking up my crutches and slipping my hands into them.

Phoenix was coming home.

I was excited, no more time in the hospital that brought back memories every time I saw nurses who looked like people I knew, where the smell sent me right back to all the injuries I had received and the beeping monitors sent me into flashbacks.

Dan drove us home, Phoenix in his new car seat carrier that Dan's parents had brought for him and in an outfit that Phil's parents had given him as a Christmas present before he was born. I was curled up in the backseat with my head right up against the window and my eyes closed. I didn't feel great.

As much as I loved the fact that Phoenix was coming home and I was trying to be optimistic, but some part of me was still reluctant. I knew I'd never be able to raise Phoenix as a mother, I wasn't ready for that, but he was my child and something told me something was going to happen to change that.

He might have been my child, but in some ways, he wasn't. He wasn't mine to raise, he wasn't mine to think of as mine and I knew that.

As we pulled up in the driveway Dan and Phil pulled everything from the car, the backpacks we had had with out, the carrier that Phoenix was in, the blankets and other little things that had been in the car. I followed them into the house, watching as they bundled everything into the living room.

I ignored them, placing the backpack I had by the door and then headed up the stairs, falling onto my bed and curling up onto my side. I didn't know what to do, now that Phoenix was home I automatically thought that I would loose the attention and support that I had from Dan and Phil.

In hindsight I should have known that my thoughts were ridiculous, but at the time it was what I thought was going to happen. Phoenix was going to take up all of their time, and I was going to be left behind in life once again.

Phoenix was going to be raised by Dan and Phil and I was happy with that, they could give him an amazing life that I knew I couldn't no matter where I was. He would be okay without me.

They would all be okay without me.