Adopted by Phan

Chapter 79

Jay's P.O.V.

It was just Louise and I in the room with the puppy, who I found out was called Pip, and just throwing the ball around and Pip was just chasing her tail. Louise was sitting on one of the other couches, her legs curled up underneath her and mostly looking at me.

I found it a little uncomfortable that she kept looking me but I mostly ignored it, contiuning to play with the puppy.

When Dan and Phil came back nothing seemed to have changed but I could sense that they were extremely worried about something, what I didn't know. Pip bounded towards them and started barking at them playfully, pushing around the ball in front of them.

"Why're you worried? I can tell." Dan's eyes widened and he looked over at Phil, who was also looking considerably surprised.

"Ummmm... We just had a call from Officer Briny and he said the hospital wants you back sometime in the next week for some tests an-" I groaned out loud, not wanting to go back.

"I wasn't finished, there's worse." I froze.

"What the fuck could be wo- oh. Never mind." I knew exactly what could be worse. "They've set a trial date haven't they."

Dan nodded, screwing his hands together in nervousness.

"It's next Monday, only 4 days away." I groaned, knowing there was no way in hell I'd be able to do anything to help them, I didn't want to talk about it to anyone.

"Why didn't they tell us?" Dan shook his head.

"Don't know, Officer Briny said the date had been fixed for weeks but no one had told us until now because of- well they haven't actually told us why." I sighed, resting my face in my hands and just waiting, waiting for the full effect to hit me.

I had this way of numbing myself to things that had happened, only letting them hit, hours, days, months, sometimes even years after they had happened, just because it was safer for me that way and I could continue my fight for survival. It was a survival reflex, to numb the pain, and I couldn't help but do it.

One time I had done that was when one of the girls gave birth, she was a little over 16 I think, she had been raped by her uncle and didn't have the access to an abortion, so she ran away and ended up with us. She died a few hours after the baby was born and the little boy followed about a day later, he had no chance of surviving the cold winter he was born into.

I had known the girl really well, she had become one of my closest friends on the street and I had spent a good amount of time helping her around, as she couldn't really leave the house into the cold for her own safety.

When she died I went numb for a couple of months, doing everything I had to robotically and almost got caught a few times, before everything came crashing down. I was down and out, asleep most of the time for almost a month in a corner of the house. People didn't try to get me up, they'd gone through it themselves.

It was four months after she died that I finally tried to get back to normal, pushing every thought I had of her to the back of my brain, almost trying to forget her.

It was almost alarming how well it worked.

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It came only a few hours later, barely half an hour after Louise had left, when I felt my stomach drop and everything came crashing down. I was sitting on the couch again and the television was turned on to some anime which I wasn't paying attention to, and Dan and Phil were curled up on the couch beside each other.

I curled up onto my side and closed my eyes, just allowing the thoughts to wash over me, knowing that I was going to have to go to court to testify against the remaining men.

Officer Briny had texted Dan some more information a little while before Louise had gone and he had said that I would have to go to court and sit in the victim stand, although I could have people with me, and possibly testify if it was needed which was more than likely.

I had been told that four people were going to be tried and although I couldn't tell who they were through their names, I would know at once when I saw them in real life. With my eyes closed all I could see was the basement, the darkness, the musty smell and then my father and the other men, throwing me around in the dim light and almost tearing me apart.

I didn't realise I was crying until I felt a hand brushing the tears off my face. I leaned into it, craving the comfort and touch and when I opened my eyes I saw Phil crouched in front of me, his eyes fixed on mine and still wiping away the tears as they continued to fall.

"I'm scared." I was the first one to talk, not knowing if Phil would even say anything and he just leaned in and hugged me.

"I know Jay, we all are." I shook my head.

"I don't want to do it, I can't." I closed my eyes again, willing myself to stay strong for a little while longer so I could pull myself together and get some things sorted out.

There was silence for at least a minute before I wrapped my arms around my head and knocked Phil's hand away, curled up my good leg to my chest. It felt weird, only having the stump now, but I knew I would have to get used to it eventually, it was there for the rest of my life.

The rest of my life. What would my future be like?

Would I keep the child or would I get rid of it? Did I want to, or would I even survive that long?

That was my first thought of taking my own life, ending the pain before it had a chance to come back and ridding the world of the burden that was me. I didn't know why I hadn't thought of it until then, after so many years of fighting for survival why had it never crossed my mind, to just give up? To just let myself slowly fade away.

Did I want it? I knew I didn't want to keep going, but if I did that it would mean letting my father win, even though he was dead. But to give up, to let myself fall off the cliff I had teetered on for the majority of my life, would it be such a bad thing?

Would it be such a bad thing if I just- disappeared?