Be More Homo {Be More Chill Book} •{DISCONTINUED}•

Couple Swap: Everything About You is So Terrible

Oh look I'm doing more couple swap who would've guessed.

{Tw: Homophobia}

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Jeremy left the food court to go to Spencer's Gifts. Michael banged his forehead on the table, upset that he'd spent $400 on a winter green tic tac.

Michael heard familiar vioces and looked up to see Jenna and Rich talking about some restaurant at the mall. Jenna lokked over at him and waved, smiling.

"Hi, Michael!" She said, going over to where he was sitting.

"Hey." He said, holding his hand up as a sort of wave.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, smiling the whole time. "And by yourself? Didn't your friend drive you home from rehearsal yesterday?"

"Yeah.. h-he had to go get s-something." Michael said. "He should be back soon, you two should-" Michael hissed when he felt a searing pain in his head, a mechanical voice following it.

"Target male inaccessible."

"W-What the hell?!" He said, holding his head in his hands.

"Calibration in progress, please excuse some mild discomfort."

"Michael, are you ok?!" Jenna said, worry etched on her face.

"Dude, the freak's freaking out!" Rich said, a smirk on his face.

"Calibration complete. Access procedure initiated."

"Woah-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-" Michael said, looking up and standing. "I'm fine, I just nee--"

"Discomfort level may increase."

Michael sat back down, biting his tongue to try and keep himself from screaming from the pain.

"Accessing neural memory. Accessing muscle memory. Access procedure complete. Michael Heere... Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor. Your SQUIP."

Michael looked at the red digitized figure in front of him.

"You look like... Bob Marley." He said, still in shock that it had worked. Rich and Jenaa had already left, Rich probably dragging her to that restaurant he was talking about.

"My default mode. I can also do: George Michael. Elton John. Little Mac."

"U-uh, Bob Marley's good." Michael said.

The Squip scrunched up his face. "You seem to be having certain... thoughts about another male. We'll have to fix that. You want to date Jenna, correct?"

"I- uh- yeah." Michael said.

"Don't talk out loud, just think at me. You'll look like a crazy person if you do that."

Michael nodded.

"You need to stand up straight, add some swagger to your gait, or you'll look like an introverted gamer kid."

'But, I am an in-'

"We'll fix that. All your nerdiness is ugly."

'I-I thought it was more of a geek-'

"All your stammering's a chore. Your charm is nonexistent. We'll fix your vibe and then some more. Woah.. everything about you is so terrible."

'Wait... did he just start... singing?!' This whole situation was confusing Michael.

"Woah.. everything about you makes me wanna die."

'Jesus christ...'

"So don't freak out, or resist. Have no doubt that if I help you, you will be more chill. First things first: buy a new shirt."

'What? What's wrong with my--'

"It's better if you just comply. I'm supposed to make you seem less pathetic, so just do it, don't ask why."

Michael nodded, still confused as to why he needed a new shirt, but walked towards a store anyway.

"Try picking a shirt." The Squip said, and Michael picked up a shirt, showing it to the Squip. "...That's a girl's shirt."

"Mikey?" Michael turned around to see Brooke Valentine and Chloe Lohst, the two most popular girls in school.

"It's M-Michael." He said.

"Whatever. You shop here?" Brooke said, staring at him.

"Oh yeah, all the-"

"Never."

"Never! Is what I meant to say."

"Is that a girl's shirt?" Chloe asked, sounding more curious than judgemental.

"No-"

"Yes."

"Yeess.."

"Repeat after me. I saw it in the window and I couldn't dismiss."

"I saw it in the window and I couldn't dismiss."

"I was dating a girl, and she had a shirt just like this."

"I was dating a g-girl, and she had a shirt just like this!"

"It's still painful!"

"It's still painful..."

"So, who is this "mystery girl"?" Brooke asked, disbelief showing.

"Uh, you probably don't-"

"Madeline."

"Madeline."

"What!?" Brooke exclaimed.

"She's french!"

"She is not! She just pretends to be for attention." Brooke said, crossing her arms.

"Madeline broke up with you?" Chloe asked.

"Yeah-- I mean-"

"I broke up with her!"

"I broke up with her!"

"'Cause she was cheating on me!"

"'Cause she was cheating on mee--"

"Hey, hamlet. Be more chill."

Michael glared at the Squip, but it didn't seem to bother it. He turned his attention back to the girls.

"I know how that feels, I just broke it off with someone who was cheating." Chloe said, smiling sadly at Michael. "It gets better."

Michael smiled. "Thanks, Chloe."

"Chloe is going to offer you a ride. It is imperative you accept."

"So... do you want a ride, by any chance?" Chloe asked, looking at her feet.

"Yes."

"Yes. But, I have to meet my friend Jeremy!" Michael said.

"Oh." Chloe said, a sad look crossing her face as she walked to her mother's car with Brooke. The two girls got in.

"Michael, you have to listen to me. You need to accept this ride."

Brooke looked back at Michael through the window. "You sure you don't want a ride, Mikey?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. N-next time, I promise."