The Free Pass

Chapter 33

Shawn

My heart sank when Mallory said we were no longer romantically involved. We were married, for fuck's sake.

"Mal, honey, you don't mean that. We can work this out."

She shook her head. "I've been giving this a lot of thought. I don't think it's a healthy relationship when one person loves the other, but it isn't reciprocated. It's only going to get harder the longer we're together."

"Things were going fine, though," I said.

"They really weren't, Shawn. It's been hard on me for a while. It was why I had doubts before we got married. It hurts me a lot to have all these feelings for you, knowing you don't feel the same. I can't make you love me. I need to just let go of my hopes for that."

I could tell she was on the verge of tears saying this. I wanted so badly to take her in my arms, but her body language told me to stay away.

"I never wanted to hurt you. You mean so much to me. You know that."

"I'm glad you care about me. And it's not your fault that I love you and you don't love me. I'm not mad at you about it," she said. She then wiped away some tears that had started to fall.

"So what exactly are you saying? You want a divorce? Are you leaving me?"

And as I said those words, it got to me how much I didn't want that to happen, and my own tears started falling.

"I think we should go back to the original plan. I think we should live here together for Grace, but without any kind of sexual or romantic relationship."

"But we're married, Mal. That's not a marriage. That's a friendship," I said. "I want us to be married."

She started crying harder. "I think we should stay married, legally, for a while. Eventually we can separate and I'll move out. It happens all the time. No one will think anything of it."

"So you want everyone to think we're married and that everything is great? What about our families?" I asked, feeling sick about all of this.

"Honestly? I think they should believe we're happily married. If we tell them the truth, it's going to upset them and they are going to worry. There's no need to draw other people into this," she said.

"We sleep in the same bed. We're going to keep doing that? Because that's going to be hard for me," I said.

I mean, Jesus, I'm only human. I'm supposed to sleep next to a woman who I desire badly but never touch her?

Mallory grabbed a tissue and blew her nose. "Right now, with the constant feedings, I need you nearby. That will not last forever. When Grace starts sleeping longer, I'll move into her nursery. It's a big room. We can fit a bed in there."

"That's going to look weird," I said.

"No, we'll just say it's so that one of us can sleep near when she transitions into that room, and for when she's sick or something. I don't think anyone will question it," she explained.

None of this was acceptable to me. I was seriously happy with how things were. Mallory and I got along great, we had incredible sex, and we were going to be good parents together. Now most of that was gone.

"Can we not make any decisions now?" I pleaded. "You are mad at me, with good reason, for what happened when Grace was born. I think that's impacting your decision about this. I totally get that you don't want a real marriage with me right now, given how you feel. But maybe in a few weeks you'll feel differently. You know? Can't we just give ourselves time to work things out?"

"The root of the problem is not going to change, though. We're never going to have a real marriage. We never should have gotten married, Shawn! I should have been honest with you about my feelings. If I had, you probably would have seen how wrong everything is," she said.

"So were just going to live here, as friends, and raise our daughter?"

"Yes. And really it doesn't sound that bad when you put it that way. At least we're already good friends."

"And to the rest of the world we'll have a normal happy marriage?"

"Yes," she said.

"And for however long we decide to put on that act, we're both going to be celibate?"

She had no response to that question.

"Mal? Had you thought of that?"

"I hadn't. And I see that it's a problem for you. God knows you have lots of needs."

I knew she was mocking me, but there was some truth to it. The thought of not having sex for possibly years wasn't exactly appealing to me.

"It's not like either of us could date or fool around on the side. There's too much risk for getting found out. I'm not going to jeopardize my reputation by getting exposed as an asshole who cheats on the mother of his baby," I said. I was definitely channeling Andrew on this.

"You have your bartender. You two are close, and you obviously trusted her to be discreet before. Surely the two of you can have an arrangement," Mal said.

"I already told you that we aren't involved like that. I don't want that. I don't want her. Mallory, you are my wife and you are the only woman I want to be with."

Mallory stood up and tried to keep herself composed, but the tears started back up.

"You need to stop saying things like that right now! It hurts me. If you care about me at all, just stop!" And then she hurried down the hall to our room, shutting the door behind her.

I leaned forward into my hands and rubbed my face, which was hot and itchy from the earlier tears. I had no goddamned idea what to do. I knew what I wanted, but Mal was making it very clear that things were over between us.

Jesus Christ, my wife just broke up with me. And yet, we were staying married. How was that even a thing?

I started feeling some pretty intense self loathing. If I hadn't pushed her to talk that night after the baby shower, she never would have admitted she loved me. I wouldn't have run off the the bar to talk to Beth. If that hadn't happened, I would have been there when Mallory went into labor, and I would have shared that entire experience with her. What was tense and uncomfortable would have been totally joyous. Not that Grace's birth didn't make us happy. Of course it did. But our personal feelings towards each other would have been much different.

If I hadn't fucked it all up so badly.

Grace started to wake up. I bent down and picked her up. She needed a diaper change, so I brought her to her nursery. As I walked in the room it made me sad to think it would also be Mal's room. She'd be apart from me. I loved sleeping with her. I always slept so well when she was in my arms.

After Grace was cleaned up we went back into the living room. I held her and sang until she got hungry and started to fuss. I brought her to the bedroom, knocking softly on the door. Mallory said to come in.

"Gracie's hungry," I said as I walked towards the bed.

"Thanks," she said as she reached her arms out to take the baby. "I'm sorry I ran off. I just needed a little time alone. I'm fine now. We're fine, right?"

I looked into her beautiful blue eyes. They were begging me to reassure her that things were okay.

"Yeah, Mal. We're good. I'm going to go make lunch."