Lovely poetry About Depression

abuse

this isn't going to be a poem i need to write about this though

i started dating a boy after getting to know him for six months. he was my first boyfriend and i was scared. i had incredibly low self esteem and didn't think it was possible for someone to like me even as a friend let allow a lover.  i was blindfolded from the start.  i had no idea what to expect out of a freshman year romance. a freshman year romance that lasted two and a half years too long.  it was good.  i mean it was really good i loved him.  i was a heavy drug user and so was he so that should have been a warning sign but i was the one after all to get him started on drugs.  i was the one.  half a year into the relationship my drug use was picking up.  i was at a party and a senior who i thought was my friend roofied and raped me.  i was devastated and didn't know how to tell my boyfriend.  i finally told him and he yelled.  i had never heard him yell before but he was mad.  not at the boy who had assaulted me but at me.  he was so mad.  he called me a slut and a whore said i just couldn't help myself said i was good for nothing.  that should have been a sign.  that should have stopped it.  i felt guilty i felt ashamed i felt like it was my fault.  i stayed with him.  he hit me when i hung out with my best friend and didn't tell him where i was.  he threatened to kill himself every time i wanted to end things.  he told me he loved me when i tried to get away.  he told me nobody would ever love me like he did.  he told me i was unlovable.  i stopped hanging out with my friends and only hung out with him.  when i wasn't with him i had to tell him where i was everyday.  he had a location notification on my phone.  when he drank he was mean.  he would knock me around until i couldn't move.  i learned after awhile to just stop moving so he could just stop.  he would watch me lay on the ground for awhile until he would lay on the ground next me to and ask me why i made him like this.  he would ask me to please stop making him so mad so he didn't have to treat me like this.  it was always my fault.  it was all out of love so it couldn't be that bad right?  he would cheat on me then say if i gave him more attention he wouldn't need anyone else.  he made his infidelity my fault.  nothing was a sign because this was normal.  he was normal to me.  i didn't know there were people in this world that kissed your forehead when you watched tv together.  i didn't know there were people that held your hand when you were sad.  i didn't understand the idea that there was a better life out there for me.  and we were so young.  how could this happen?  the last fight was the worst fight.  he was so mad at me for texting my best friend jack.  he was squeezing my neck and holding my face to the phone screen and screaming at me.  he kept asking if i was being a slut again.  i promised i wasn't.  he threw my phone across the room and dragged me by my hair to the bathroom.  he told me i was ugly as we looked in the mirror, he wasn't even looking, he wouldn't even look.  he grabbed my head and smashed my head into the mirror.  more than once.  i was knocked out.  i was in the bathroom when i woke up and for once i was fucking done.  i got my phone and called jack and he came to get me.  but i was fucking terrified.  what if he was right.  what if nobody would ever love me again.  what if he was the best i could do.  what if i would never have what everyone else had.  i would love to say that it was the last fight but that's a lie.  i went back to him a week later and the week after that and i left him over and over and i kept crawling back until i finally realized that i had spent two and a half years crawling.  for what? a few black eyes and broken ribs.  a couple busted lips and stitches.  i deserve more