Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome To My Daddy Review

The New Testament

(Reviewbrah P.O.V)

After doing a sick barrel role out of (Y/N)'s window like some sort of feral Superhero on speed, I find myself in a huge, mesmerizing forest. The unforgiving sun was beginning to shut her eyes and all around me I could hear the cicadas screeching into the never-ending void. Ahh.. So relaxing... I thought, walking through the trees which were cast in pitch-black shadows of my murderous past. Savouring the sound of a crunchy leaf beneath my foot, I let out a sigh out of frustration. In that moment I wondered if murdering was all I was designed for; did I have a higher purpose? Upon further examination I saw that it wasn't a leaf, but in fact a big phat beetle. I crouched down and screamed "Thank god, you deserved that you little punk" to the defenceless insect's juicy corpse. This murder I've just created with my great big trotter really sets adrenaline coursing through my veins, so I decide now is the best time to serenade Mother Earth with my truly epic tunes. I swiftly spin around in a circle as sparkles reflect off my body and two little blue birds replace my suave suit with a flowing caerulean and white dress. My daring voice box twists and turns as I sing a banging slap of a belter with my enchanting V-chords. "THE HIIIILLS ARE ALIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUUU-" My singing suddenly stops at a halt as I clumsily slam my face into a tree trunk. Or at least, I really hope it's a tree trunk...

 A gentle snuffling which quickly became a violent wheezing and whining sound interspersed through the air, makes me cling to the tree's shaft for my dear life. Hurriedly, I mount the thicc tree stem, like some wild tiger latching on to its unsuspecting prey. Traversing my slender hands across the body I discover hair, coarse in its texture. Could this be? The first tree with body hair? I had better take this back to the lavatory for more research. Just as I'm about to pull out a serious clump of abrasive fur, what I can only describe as absolute slobber, drips poignantly on to my perfectly gelled back tresses. Ladies and Gentleman, if I could say sad face right now, I would because this was a tragic moment. Suddenly, the tree begins to jiggle pugnaciously, flinging me off the trunk like I was some trash the elephantine man littered outside of Taco Bell. And out from the shadows steps bigfoot – what in tarnation? Nervous, I dust the dirt, hair and saliva from my dress off to make a good impression."B-b-bigfoot? Fancy meeting you here. I'm your biggest fan – " "Save it, John. I have heard what you've been saying about me on your broadcast, Voice of the Report of the Week International, and I'm not pleased." Bigfoot says, just standing there with his arms crossed in all his splendour. "What do you mean, bigfoot... buddy, ol pal?" I ask, knowing exactly what he means by that. "You know exactly what I mean by that. "  

"Bigfoot you can read minds? I'm – " "What the fuck, bro. No. I tune in to your shortwave broadcast every Thursday and when you said you no longer believed in me... that like really hurt my feelings, bro." As Bigfoot says this, I notice the expression of his ape-like face becoming increasingly more crestfallen. Then, suddenly my stomach rumbles like the beast it is, completely ruining the gloomy atmosphere. "Bigfoot, I know I haven't been the greatest friend to you in the past but would you like to go forage for some berries with me?" I ask, hoping he'll say yes. Bigfoot's bright red Louboutin eye orbs light up in flashes at the suggestion. He's only able to utter one word and that word was the word bro. 

*time skip*

It has been a few hours picking berries now with my long slender vampiric yaoi fingers, popping sickly sweet raspberries in to bigfoot's cave of a mouth. Essentially, now Bigfoot and I need to set up camp for the night, does this grind ever stop? I whip out my trusty pocket-size camping kit I always carry along with my torch. I wave my torch at my tent and whisper "LEVIOSAAAA" as my tent comes to life and takes shape. I wriggle myself into the small space and beckon Bigfoot to follow me inside. He zips us in for the for the night. Around 3am I'm awoken by shuffling sounds outside my tent. Ah, I assume it can only be one thing. Squirrels. Those damn squirrels.. I loudly squeal out "ITS TIME TO DIE" at the squirrels, waking Bigfoot at my bedside. He lurches at me, snarling, reminded of his primordial hunter predator days on earth where a noise during the night meant a battle royale was about to take place. With him on top of me, I drift off again slowly, sucking my thumb gently. 

*time skip*

I crawl out my magic tent to a sight that SHOCKS me, ladies and gentlemen. I have no words. A thousand sticks in intricate shapes and forms surround my tent. Was this what the shuffling was? Have squirrels finally evolved, ready to take revenge on my empty threat? My eyes focus on a note attached to one of the tree trunks as I walk over to get a better look. The note reads "Jesus was such a relatable icon, his fashion is goals".. What could this mean? My thoughts are interrupted as a great rumbling sound fills the air around me. It almost sounds like.. A boulder being rolled away from a cave. And it is! Smoke erupts from the cave in the distance as someone walks out slowly, wearing sunglasses as EDM blasts throughout the forest. I hear this great, mysterious figure speak out something that give me chills down the boney skin of my spine. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me." "Wait... Is that you, (Y/N)?!" I call out. Holy heck.