Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome To My Daddy Review

You better fetch my rubber duck, or else.

~JOHN POV~

I slowly open my eyes to (Y/N) hovering over my throbbing cranium, inspecting me like I'm a 7ft alien that accidentally fell onto earth. I feel like I've been knocked out, thrown off a cliff, picked up by a vulture, thrown onto some rocks, picked up by another vulture, then thrown onto rocks but this time the rocks are made of knives. Boy, do I feel lousy. I look down to check my suit is still in place. Oh, I'm in a suit, that's for sure. But there's just one problem, ladies and gentlemen, it's my birthday suit. How dare she! I'm saving myself for marriage, and now there's nothing left to the imagination. She could have atleast taken me out for a wine and dine at Taco Bell first, jeez. Worst of all, I don't even have my favourite rubber ducky Albert here with me. I feel so humiliated. "Hmmmm. You don't smell as good when you're awake." Y/N inhales deeply and closes her eyes. "There's something you should know." She begins, voice shaking. Oh no, I knew it, she doesn't love me without the brylcreem in my hair. Way to go, weeb. "I know what you are.." Y/N whispers. "A vampire?!" "A stoner! -A... vampire? What?" I violently shriek and wave my hands around like I just don't care, woo woo. Except I do care. I care too much. I tried my best to keep this hidden away, but when you're alive for 3000 years sometimes you just don't want to care. You just want to throw a bathbomb in and watch some Sex In The City. There's no words to explain how devastated and exposed I feel in this moment. A vampire? Who told her? I've known her for 3000 years and she'd just betray me like this? Utterly disgusting. 

Now don't get me wrong, I love Y/N with all my heart. But there's nothing I wanted more right now than to go home and play some Runescape with the lads. I had just gotten my adamant armor set from the Grand Exchange and I wanted to show off to the thotties by killing the Goblins near Lummy. But alas, here I am. Naked, miserable and covered in soap that wasn't even by my favourite brand, Aveeno. I lent over and tried to brush the hair out of Y/N's eyes but my lengthy sausage-finger directed itself straight into her eyeball. "WHAT THE FUCK, I FIND OUT YOU'RE A VAMPIRE SO YOU FUCKING DIG MY EYEBALL OUT, IS THAT IT?" This day is not going well, I'll tell you that. I'll admit I was willing to push this aside and forgive her, but it felt so good when my fingertip penetrated her beautiful round eyeball that I just had to do it again. No, I had an even better idea. "I need to tell you something too, Y/N. But I need to whisper it in your ear.. Come here, would you?" Y/N stops looking so red in the face and relaxes a little, leaning in closer to me. I bring my face towards her, breathing heavily. Before she can even process it, I take a good hard lick of her eyeball with my slender tongue, relishing the salty taste.