Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome To My Daddy Review

Romantic Dinner For Two

~Y/N POV~

I throw my shapely, leisure suit covered legs up onto my Chesterfield sofa and sip my tall glass of Château Latour wine. Servantbrah will surely learn his lesson after attempting to lick my eyeball like that. Swirling my wine glass, I recount the ferocity in his eyes as he lurched towards me like some strange wildebeest. Looking back, his passion was admirable – I can't help but smirk. Doesn't he understand? I'm the apex predator in this household, not him. While remembering how I pinned him against the bath to stop him defiling my retinas, I take a considerable swig of wine. Hoo boy – it was a close call, and everything thereafter escalated pretty quickly. Even so, I distinctly remember telling him I didn't give a fuck if he was a vampire – which was a lie, of course. Either way, I took this as a chance to finally relax because after all, that's what slaves are for. I hear various pots and utensils clanking from the kitchen. He wouldn't tell me what he was making but I expect grub of the highest standard. I sigh, feeling very content. Life is so wonderful when you have other people doing everything for you. I begin to drift off, dreaming of Siberian caviar.

~JOHNS POV~

I quickly wipe the beads of sweat away from my clammy, pearl white forehead and take deep breaths to calm myself down. I'm expected to cook a delicious meal for my sweet Y/N. Now, normally I'd do it in a heartbeat.. But hear my cries, for I have never cooked anything in my 3000 years of life. I've always had the great convenience of replenishing my angelically sculpted body and mind through Taco Bell and Burger King. I don't know what an "oven" is or how it works, so right now I'm sitting on the kitchen floor bashing two pots together to mimic the sound of hard work. I was told my brylcreem would be taken away if it wasn't up to her standard, so I was really freaking out. Thank god I've already planned the perfect starter for my Love. A delicious glass of iced Starbucks water, only the best for my Y/N. Oh boy am I excited to show her my romantic dishes. I just know it's going to be a lovely, relaxing night together with my senpai.

*TIME SKIP*

Y/N has peacefully fallen asleep on the sofa with her mouth open, spit dribbling down her chin. After 4 hours of skilfully crafting my special ingredients together to turn them into one god-sent meal, it's time to wake her up and pleasure her taste buds until they explode. I lean in close to her face and watch how her nostrils vibrate peacefully in her sleep. She starts making strange grunting noises and throws her fists against her chest, shouting that she's going to jump off this skyscraper and no-one can stop her. Gosh – I hope she brought a parachute at least. I let my gaze wonder over her delicate alien features for a while until I decided it was time to violently shake her back and forth, shouting "WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP" into her face until her eyelids gently lift. 

The way she looks so intense when she stares into my eyes makes my heart flutter. She's my violently feral possum and I wouldn't have it any other way. "Oh, are you done preparing our banquet?" she asks. "You're going to love this, come through and feast your eyes on my new invention!" I lead her to the dinner table and slide her chair out for her. I learnt this trick from my favourite book "Dating for Vampires". I slip a satin blindfold over her eyes and run to the kitchen to fetch our dinner. I bring back two delicious bowls of a strange product named Porridge. To be honest with you, I had never heard of it before but the fancy Quaker man on the packaging was just so inviting. To show just how much she means to me, I drew our initials in a heart in ketchup on top. I was immensely proud of this masterpiece. Then, I remove the blindfold and waited for her face to light up with happiness. However, the emotion I saw on her face did not look like happiness.Now I can't say for sure, but it was definitely as if I had presented her a bowl of half rotten animal carcass. "Why on earth are you looking at me like that? Dig in!" I say, then begin making loud airplane noises as I direct my spoon into her twisted, angry mouth. She quickly swats away my hand and the spoon falls to the floor in slow motion. Oh, she is on thin ice now. 

"Tell me right now where my 6 course caviar meal is! Raw oats and ketchup, are you trying to KILL me?" Spit flies from her mouth as she screeches at me like a crazy banshee. Does she realise how long this took to make? For what? For absolutely nothing. I just want to cry into my bowl of ketchup and porridge. "Don't look so down, John. We'll just order post mates." she says while petting my head as if I'm some kind of dog – it infuriates me how much I like it. "What do you fancy – Five guys?" I don't even have to nod because she notices my eyes lighting up at this suggestion. Even though it's been years since I've had a 9.1/10 rated burger from Five Guys, I can think of something much better. Much tastier.

*TIME SKIP*

Y/N and I are relaxing in the living room watching the new episode of Sex In The City while eating our burgers from Five Guys. Suddenly, I'm so hungry. So hungry and so drained from having sustained a spinal injury. My eyesight began to blur and my mouth ached. All this slaving away drained my soul, not that Y/N would understand. She had grown so cold and cruel towards me, expecting so much and never appreciating my hard work. In a quick rage, I threw my Starbucks across the room and let out a ear piercing screech. "I MUST REPLENISH" – I cried. Y/N flinched and stared in shock at the liquid shrapnel that had exploded and stained her brand new stuffed bear carpet. Her neck was twisted to the side as she examined all of the coffee's damage and without thinking, I sink my teeth into her fleshy, lumpy neck.