WRITER'S HOUR (PUBLISHED under IMMAC PUBLISHING)

WH21

I met him when I'm in my darkest state. I met him while trying to learn to love myself, and also trying to put the pieces of my heart back together. It was safe to say I was afraid to love and trust again, even to my family. It was safe to say I was terrified to let someone inside my safest haven.

Hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ko alam paano ibigay ang aking tiwala nang walang halong pag-aalinlangan. Matagal na panahong ginugol ko ang aking oras upang magtayo ng pader laban sa mga taong gustong pumasok sa buhay ko. Hindi ko alam kung may makakagiba ba rito o wala na sa sobrang taas.

But he convinced me. He convinced me that trusting him would be worth it. He convinced me that I can still find someone whose worthy of my time. He convinced me that I could trust him.

Of course, I was scared, I was nervous and, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Alam ko na may posibilidad akong masaktan, pero pinatuloy ko pa rin siya.

At dahil sa kakulitan niya, sa pagtulong niya sa akin na muling maging masaya, nahulog ako. I know that I've fallen because I wouldn't wait for him to come back if I didn't.

Pero ngayong nakatitig ako mula rito sa bintana at kita ang kan'yang mukha at titig sa akin, hindi ko alam kung nawala ba lahat ng tiwalang ibinigay ko sa kan'ya at tiwalang ibinigay ko sa aking sarili o talagang naglaho lang na parang bula at 'di na babalik pa.

Agaran kong isinara ang bintana at tumalikod. Magulo at hindi ko maintindihan ang nararamdaman ko. Sobra-sobrang pagkabigla at pagkawatak-watak ng aking wisyo.

I'm happy to know that I fell to only one person.

But I was mad for being lied to.

I'm confused.

I'm scared.

I wanted to shout.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to hit something.

I wanted to hide from him.

I don't know what to react.

But I know for certain, he broke me.

This is the part where I was afraid from the start, being broken.

He broke me. In an instant, he broke and destroyed the trust I had for him. He broke the trust I had built up over the past years.

He's so unfair. I spent years putting up walls around me. I spent years building my guard up so high just so I would never have to feel pain like this but he didn't stop until he was able to destroy those walls.

Pero nasasaktan ako.

Nasaktan na naman ako.

Ang tanga tanga ko. Hindi ko alam na ganito ako kabobo dahil harap-harapan na pala akong niloloko noon, hindi ko pa napansin. Ngayon lang talaga nag-sink in sa utak ko ang mga conversations namin.

Five has cancer.
Winther seems sick.

Five is a happy person.
Winther smiles and jokes a lot.

Five didn't sent a message for more than a year.
Winther didn't show up for more than a year either.

Five and Winther were with me when I was in my darkest days.

Akala ko magkaibang tao silang dalawa. Akala ko, ang nakangiting mukha na nakilala ko sa Happy Bites at ang taong nakaka-chat ko, ay magkaiba.

Nahulog pala ako sa iisang tao.

He made me fall to both of his personalities.

Pero what was the point? Just as quickly as his kind words and sweet actions broke down the walls and made me fall for him, it was all ruined. Everything I believed in. It was all gone.