We are still Beating

Ch. 15

TOBIAS:

I didn't sleep much last night, I mostly just focused on Tris. Her breaths were so uneven and I could feel her body tighten at the slightest movement. The entire night I have been mentally beating myself up. How could I let this happen to her? Why did I ever leave her? I should have seen Zeke a different time, and stayed here with her. Then I could have taken her place. Right now I would have the bullet wounds in my back, not her. I glance at the clock and realize I should be giving her pain medication soon. I gently slide her off me to retrieve the medication from on top of the empty wheelchair. There is a little bottle of pills and a little container of this lotion type of medicine which should be applied on and around her wounds. I take both of the medications and a glass if water and wait by her bedside. I look around and realize that everyone is still gone. I really have no idea where they could have gone but I'm still happy they did. Tris needed some rest and I wanted her to get it.

I decide to put the lotion on first. I pull the blanket off her gently and start to push her shirt up. I don't take it off completely and I just address the one on her side for the moment.

Her side makes me cringe. Not in disgust, but in guilt that this happened to her.

Her skin is bandaged but creeping over the bandages I see how her skin is red as if it was a rash. When I take off the bandage, she stirs. I try not to cause her any pain other than what she is already experiencing under the scar in her side. I open the jar and take some of the lotion on my fingers. Ever so gently I apply it to the scar of where they removed the bullet and smooth it into the wound. I feel her back muscles tighten under me and her eyes flutter open. She looks down at me and tries to smile but I know it's hard.

"Sorry," I whisper. I pull my hand back, not wanting to hurt her.

"Sorry for what?" she whispers back . I can here the pain in her voice. "You realize you're helping me, right?"

I force out a smile and gently apply the lotion. It must burn because I see Tris's hands squeezing the covers. Guilt spreads through me. Once I'm done, Tris moves and starts to pull her shirt back. Well, attempts. Before I can stop her she moves and just as soon as she does a small cry escapes her and her eyes water. She bites her lip and when I meet her gaze, it breaks me. I can tell that the pain is excruciating but so is knowing how weak she is.

"Hey, let me do the moving for you. You just relax," I say. I lean over her and slip her shirt over her head. I carefully apply the lotion to her back and then pull the blanket over her so she doesn't get cold. I lean over and kiss her on the temple before getting her the pain killers.

"Here," I say. "This will help with the pain." She mumbles a thank you and I help her sit up. I move so she can rest against me, her head on my chest. She swallows the pills down and curls up in my lap. I stroke her hair gently and press my lips to her hair.

Times like this remind me who she really is. A small, sixteen year old girl. Sixteen. She is still so young but always in the toughest situations. Under all the stress and pain. I shouldn't have let any of this happen to her. I should have taken the shots. I should have carried her burdens. Let her sit out and fought her battles.

I also notice other things about her in this moment. Yes she is young and small but she is also Brave. Ruthless. Kind. Selfless. Smart. Everything I wish I was. The better half of me. Someone who can break down walls I built around myself. Someone who values me. Someone I value. Someone who loves me. Someone I love.

"Tris," I start. "I'm so sorry. I should never have let this happened to you. I should have been there to protect you. But I wasn't. And I won't be able to forgive myself for that but I know one thing. I will never, ever, let it happen again. I will always be by your side wether you like it or not . I'll step in front of you to take the hits. I will comfort you when you need it. I won't let go of you. And if there is anything, anything you need, I will go to any extent to get it." I feel tears threatening to fall onto my cheeks but I don't let them. Until Tris turns her head towards me, tears streaking her face.