We are still Beating

Ch. 4

TOBIAS:

I feel the lingering death serum, trying to make its way through me. It must be running low, because the serum doesn't come close to clutching itself onto my life. Heaviness gathers on my skin. Why did I come here? Why am I always so stressed? Maybe I should take a break... Just a short one.. It would be peaceful...

No. Then it comes back to me. Tris. My Tris is dying. Just like in my fear landscape except it hurts even more in real life which is hard to believe. But this is different.

Because I can stop it.

Faster. Faster. Not sprinting anymore, almost gliding through the air. Come on, its just to that door, I think. The finish line is on the horizon.

But that's when he gets in front of me. Tall, strong, with black clothes and an Abnegation hair cut. Me. This is not the death serum. This must be a simulation. Great. This must be the backup to the death serum. I walk slowly towards the door, but simulation me isn't taking chances. He lunges at me, fist drawn and coming into my stomach. The blow makes me stumble but isn't too hard. I watch his movements. He almost stutters, and moves slowly and awkwardly. The simulation must be running slow. I run at him, throw a punch while dodging his and pull him to the ground. He tries to get up but I kick him hard in the gut. Then the face. Then his ribs. But I know it won't be over until I kill him. A terrible feeling slithers through me. Guilt. No, how can I be feeling guilty for hurting myself?

Then his face changes. He begins to transform. Into the biggest nightmare I know. Marcus. Now guilt is gone. Now guilt is overridden with anger. And revenge.

Immediately, I take out my gun and push the bullet in place.

"This is for your own good," I say, even though its really for Tris's.

I inhale. Aim. It's hard because he is so bloody and pulled into a ball to know if I'm aiming at a crucial blow, but I know he will die from this, quickly, maybe not; but surely. Then he says it, in between coughs.

"You know we aren't different, you and me, not at all."

I shudder when he says it. No. I'm not him. I could never be. He hurt me, he hurt his own wife. Her screams that filled the house, the hard slams I could hear through the walls. No. But I can't help think of it: what if I was like him; only towards Tris? No. No. My hands are shaking. I could never. I will never. I finally remember why I'm here again and realize: I need to get to Tris. I exhale. I open my eyes and fire. But in that brief second where I open my eyes I see him. No, now I see Her. Tris. A scream pierces through me tearing me to shreds, just like the one she lets out is doing to her. Blood flows out of her mouth. Her eyes roll back. She's dead. My eyes and insides burn. I fall next to her, her bloody face in my hands. But then, right as her last breath leaves her, it turns back into simulation me. Simulation. Relief goes through me but the image of her dying is burned in the inside of my eyelids.

I have to stop that from happening. For real. I get up, pick up my gun; and enter the room.

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