Trans Boy

twenty-one. this is all we have

There was a space devoid of trees and logs and stray planets, only littered her and there some wildflowers. trees hung heavy over the space, letting dots of light pass by but otherwise with was empty.

Before saying anything to Theo, I slipped over a dead log to get to the space. Inside was a family of raccoons, sleeping peacefully and unaware of my presence. When he caught on, Theo just watched me without moving.

"What're you. . .?" I squatted down by the log and he seemed to sort of catch on. I noticed his eyes shift from me to the grass. I peaked inside of the small hole showing the family of raccoons, snoozing quietly. I held my breath and tried not to move. Theo joined me carefully, breaking a branch and holding his breath. He didn't know what I was looking at, but he was being gentle. I appreciated that.

He nodded when I shuffled over and let him see, too. "Oh," he nodded again. I nodded too.

After we stood up and got a few feet away, I sighed. Not loudly or a lot, I just needed to sigh. The air here was so undisturbed and soft.

As if we timed it, Theo and I sat down at the same time, facing each other but neither of us looking at the other. I fell a bit harder than I'd meant to and felt my tailbone hit the dirt.

"Ow, shit," I mumbled, more angry with myself than the pain.

"Don't do that," Theo said, laughing when I move to whack his arm. I miss, by the way, because he moves away in time with me. I stayed leaning forward, holding the small space between us and he raises an eyebrow. "Promiscuous." He smirked and I felt myself blush but I couldn't move.

When I did move, the silence stayed. I couldn't tell if it was uncomfortable silence or not so I let it be. I let him be. There wasn't much to say or really do.

"Are you sure you're doing okay?" He asked.

"I'm really tired," I said before thinking. He was going to say I had slept longer than usual today so I shouldn't be, or that I didn't have a reason to be, or that it wouldn't be an issue if I didn't stay up so late. But he'd stayed up late, too, and he would sleep in when he got the chance. He wasn't my teacher or my parents, but I still expected the same result from him.

"Then sleep," he said. "Take a nap."

"That would be boring for you, wouldn't it?" I asked. Or would he leave if I fell asleep? I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up after dark in a forest alone like sleeping beauty, but not pretty in any sense.

Theo rolled his eyes and looked at me like I was the stupidest person alive. "You're tired. Sleep. Hell, I might even sleep, too."

I sighed quietly and agreed. If he was sure he wouldn't mind, I was losing reasons to argue. I surrendered and stopped pushing at more reasons for him to be a dick and laid down. There were plenty of times he could have left, or stopped talking to me, or taken advantage of the fact that I wouldn't really fight it if he wanted out of whatever this was, but he still hadn't moved.

I pulled my hood on and tried to hide the sun from my eyes with my hands. He breathed out a little deeper than before and then stayed silent. I felt his hand on my shoulder as I tried to rearrange his leg like a pillow.

Then he laughed softly. "Comfortable yet?"

"Fuck off." But I was smiling.

- - - -

Theo hadn't moved since I fell asleep. He didn't do anything except rub circles in my shoulder and arm with his thumb and occasionally talk to what I assumed were curious forest animals wandering close-by us.

I woke up to him talking to someone. He tells them I'm sleeping, but I wasn't sleeping anymore. I wasn't tired but I was too comfortable to move.

"Do you mind if we sit? We got kinda lost and it's good to see familiar faces," someone asked. It sounds like April, but everyone sounds a little like April. I bet it's not April. I hope it's not April, because that would mean Zaila and Carlos were with her and I didn't want either of them to have another chance to give me shit about things.

"Go ahead, just, be quiet," he repeated.

I didn't notice it right away, but he'd moved a bit. He was closer now. One hand was on my side before like it had been on my shoulder, but the other was on my hand. He was cross-legged, too, and I had moved my hand to his other leg at some point. He wasn't holding my hand necessarily, but I wished he had been. It was too late to do anything; if I moved, they'd know I was awake and I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to focus on breathing in his scent—I couldn't decide on what it was and I wanted to figure it out. I was on a mix between firewood, which made sense, and pumpkin bread. That didn't make as much sense to me.

I focused in and out on what they were saying. Zaila and Carlos weren't there, but Cody was and she seemed very quiet and not like she was focusing on anything. I heard a couple different voices.

I nudged my head back so that when Theo talked I could feel it and hear it. There was something special about hearing someone's voice and having the feeling of the vibrations to match up with their voice was a whole other thing.

Then someone laughed softly. "You're falling, Thee."

I liked that the girl chose to take the short nickname he already had and shorten it even more. "Thee." It was cute.

"I'm not," he tried to assure the girl.

A boy scoffed this time: "Uh-huh." I felt him nod at us or motion to me laying on Theo. If he wasn't falling, as they put it, then I would feel pretty damn stupid. "Sure, Thee. Whatever you say, man."

He shifted a little. One of them had a conversation about random things, mostly sports. It felt like the day would never end and I was loving it. No schedule and no reason to leave the space we were in. We were all comfortable and peaceful and alone and trusted. It was a bad mix bringing a bunch of teenagers together and letting them run around the woods, but it worked out better than I'd ever have expected.

This was perfect because I knew it wouldn't last. It would be like this for a little while before it was over. It was all we had and it was perfect.