Trans Boy

nineteen. water is thicker than blood

so im not gonna lie, i kinda just want this story to be over, so i think im gonna kinda skip ahead a little in the story? idk im really losing inspiration and i don't wanna leave it undone, and there's some things i want to cover before it ends, so like, excuse how shitty this is probably gonna turn out. love ya, thanks.

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Jango brought us all to the cabin. 'Us' being Theo, a boy named Brandon who tagged along with Chrissie, and a few people I'd seen a lot of but didn't have names for. We all sat two to a bunk and Jango sat beside Zaila since she didn't want to sit alone, but she also didn't want to sit with anyone else in the cabin. She'd been in a weird mood lately and it was making me uncomfortable.

"You look depressed," Roami noted once everyone had gotten comfortable and talked some. At first there'd been silence, and then we all started talking in our own little groups. I think Jango just wanted to have us all under the same roof for a while. She didn't seem to care whether we talked or not, just that we were all there for a bit. Which I could understand. It was actually nice to have some people around.

I looked at her. We were sitting opposite each other, her arm around Cody as she looked at me rather intently. Theo laughed and I felt his hand barely touch my back. He was scared to actually touch me sometimes and I thought it was cute if anything. I pulled my arm around my back and messed with his.

"Is that so?"

She nodded. "Yup. I read people. And you, Daniel, are depressed."

I smiled even though I was trying to keep a straight face. "Doesn't take a genius, Madam Roami."

She shrugged. "He looks depressed, huh?" She asked Cody. She'd been talking to that tall girl I met a while back when I was given my binder. I couldn't remember her name, but she was pretty. Shy, timid, sure, but she was pretty. Especially when she smiled and laughed. She looked like she was finally getting a little more comfortable. Cody was awesome at talking to everyone she met and it was insane. Never ceased to amaze me.

"Don't say things like that, Rome," she hit her chest lightly and looked back at the girl.

"Ooh, do it again, Cody!" She made a fake moan and Cody blushed more than hard. She hit her again, much harder, and Roami actually sounded like it hurt. She leaned forward and held back her laughter, her face almost going as red as Cody's as she choked on air.

"You deserved that," Theo nodded at Roami when he said that. She nodded, moving her arm from around Cody to her thigh to prop herself up. Cody leaned against her when she lost that touch from Roami. They were cute. If they'd ever be a couple was beyond me, but they'd sure look nice together if they ever did.

I pulled my feet up onto the bed, crossing them and leaning more on Theo. He stiffened for a second at the movement and then seemed to welcome it completely. I wished one of us had more guts to do something than this, but it didn't matter too much. It was almost August. This would all end soon.

"What do normal summer camps do?" Zaila asked. She was sitting on the top bunk in the middle of the room. Jango had moved and sat somewhere else, periodically moving and talking to everyone personally about god-knows-what. Zaila leaned down over the edge, making eye contact with me before she tipped her head so she could see Roami and Cody. Cody pretended not to notice anything we were doing anymore and kept talking. I thought it was funny. She was definitely the most mature out of pretty much everyone in this cabin.

"Games? Activities? Whatever they're called," Roami listed. "They eat and sing songs and sit by camp fires and tell ghost stories."

"That sounds like friends on a camping trip."

"Wouldn't that be so much fun?" Theo asked. "Just going out to the woods somewhere and just doing whatever you felt like? You could literally drop off the grid. No one would know where you were or what you were doing - just you and nature. It, I don't know, it just. . . I really like the outdoors," he finished, sounding embarrassed.

It gave me a strange feeling to listen to Theo talk about things he liked. It sounded so much more genuine and real and I liked it a lot.

"Yeah. We should do that. Just pack some shit once we get back and go somewhere," Zaila laughed. I could tell she was trying to joke, but that was something I'd considered.

I nodded. "We could, though." Roami, Theo and Zaila gave me their attention. I don't really know if it could be considered giving me more of their attention, since we'd only been talking in our small group, but it felt like it. Or maybe there were more people listening in on us now. I wasn't sure.

I continued: "Like, we really could. It's not like it takes much. Just some clothes, food that doesn't perish, maybe a sleeping bag or some blankets—that's it." I counted on my fingers while I listed things, expecting one of them to laugh or interrupt me. None of them did, though, so I kept going. "And then from there it's just a matter of finding peace and quiet. It doesn't have to be anywhere important, just somewhere in the mountains or by a lake. Or a beach. It's really whatever happens."

Part of me knew this was stupid. Actually, a lot of me knew it was stupid. But another part of me really, really liked the idea of packing up as little as I needed to survive a while, and ditch. I'd thought about it plenty of times before, wanting to actually do it in the dead of night while my parents were gone. Of course, I always got too scared and quit before I did anything. I'd tried to hide out with friends a few times, but each time their parents got in contact with mine or the church, and no matter how far I got they'd catch up and it was over. So why did I think I'd be able to do something as brash as run away on my own for good? It was a stupid thought.

I'd worked myself up and actually gotten excited. Once I told myself it was stupid and not something that would work in any possible way, I felt myself go from excited and happy, to angry with myself. I couldn't just be okay and whatever, like I had been a couple moments ago. I had to be absolutely demolished and disappointed.

"That sounds like fun," Brandon leaned forward since he hadn't been in the general area of the talking. Zaila's face was getting red with too much blood, and when she moved down to the bottom bunk between us, Brandon followed and sat with her. Jango had apparently been listening, too, and she smiled at me. She didn't give her input, but the cabin did suddenly get quiet. I felt uncomfortable, now.

"It's just a stupid idea," I mumbled. I felt Theo move his hand lightly around my back, even through the three layers I had between is skin and mine.

Roami gave me a genuine smile. "Nah. You know what is stupid? That we haven't eaten yet. Let's go get some lunch before you get yourself worked up any more."

I nodded, slipping my shoes on and standing up. It was a change to see Roami go from a dorky teenager to acting like a middle-aged mother who knew how to cheer her kids up, but damn if she didn't do both well.

No one talked any more about what we'd said in the cabin and I was grateful. I  sounded like an idiot.