Dear Diary || Completed

Guilt

20th January, 2018

Dear Diary,
I am terrible. Everything is terrible. Jimin ignored me in school today and Taehyung and his cronies jeered at me throughout. Namjoon and Hoseok were a consolation, but I think I am becoming a burden for them. They keep talking about me, whispering to each other, and I feel as though I am eating at their time and energy by being like this. I cannot change. I realise that I have become something horrible after Jungkook left. Maybe I should simply walk out the door, like he did. Everyone's lives would be easier.

Perhaps it is time to tell you what happened with Jungkook. I mean, it's quite impossible to believe that such a perfect person ran a way, right? Well, that was my fault.

There was this low point where I hated everything about myself. I could never be good enough. Jin was the genius child. Jungkook was a ray of sunshine. Yana was our little sister, our parents' only daughter, hence fawned over by everyone. I was a nobody. I didn't really mind, but one particular night, the feeling of insignificance was pathetically overwhelming. I don't know what was wrong with me. I somehow got it into my head that the world would be a better place without me in it. Well, as you may have guessed, I tried to hurt myself. It didn't work because Jungkook got wind of what I was going to do and he came to my rescue.

He tried telling me that everyone loved me. He tried so hard to tell me. I wish I had listened, but I was in the depths of despair. I threw a tantrum, swept everything off the nearby table in a fit of anger. I yelled at him, complete and utter crap. I told him what I felt, I screamed how under appreciated I felt. He tried to hug me, but I pushed him away. I pushed him away like I push everyone away.

This one time Jungkook got really angry. He punched me in the face. He tried picking me up again, apologising profusely. He tried to get me to look at him and think straight. I was so drunk with self pity and grief. I threw him off me. He landed on his side, I think I heard a rib crack, but I didn't care. I grabbed a chair and hurled it at the mirror and stomped off to cry in my room. Oh how I wish I had stayed there with him!

He left the house for a walk, to clear his head. I must have distressed him terribly because he didn't even notice the car before it was too close to move away. I locked myself in my room and cried for days after I got the news. Hoseok, Namjoon, and Jin tried so hard to console me, even though they were grieving themselves. The only reason I didn't harm myself then was because of the last thing Jungkook had ever said to me as I stormed away. Sitting on the floor, probably with a cracked rib, he had looked at me with the saddest eyes and whispered.

"I love you, hyung. We all do. Please see that and learn to love yourself too."

Jungkook was my kindred spirit, the only person who truly understood me, and I killed him.

And now I had managed to push Jimin away too. Maybe the world would be a better place without a person like me. Maybe I should visit Jungkook. That way, I'll see his bunny smile everyday, forever. I may seem like a coward, but I cannot go on like this.

Goodbye.
Min Yoongi

A/N: This story is nearing its end. I hope y'all are liking it so far. This was another chapter that brought me to tears while writing it. 😭😭 Right now, as I proofread it, I finally understand why authors are often compared to Satan. I can do anything with my characters. You won't know what happens to Yoongi until the next update. Hehehehehe 😈