Dear mom, I'm sorry

• I'm sorry mom .. - I need you mom ..

Aisha's POV

My eyes opened automatically like two flashlight beams, causing my eyes to shut again.

Waking up is no longer the pleasure it was. There is a fleeting moment when I am whole again but it evaporates faster than summer rain off the burnt earth.

My brain has become overwhelmed all over again as if it were all new.

New, fresh, and raw.

At first the darkness of the room has deceived me, for a minute or two I could make out nothing at all but dark lumps of furniture. But slowly and surely, images started taking form and I could perceive a bright blinding light, making me blink.

I was in a room.

In a hospital bed.

Surrounded by some strangers?

What the heck has happened?

I moved slowly enough to make no sound and sat in bed. "Doctor William, she's awake." A brown-haired woman who I suppose is the nurse, stated, surprisingly, looking at me as she tugged on the Doctor's blouse.

"How are you feeling"? The so-called William inquired warmly, touching my shoulder. But I stayed silent and stared at him. He grabbed my arm and I watched him taking my temperature.

"Well, your temperature is normal, you're not feverish, everything seems okay."

"I'll prescribe you some medicine and the nurse will give you some food an-"

"Where is my mother"? The words emerged from my mouth without thinking as I scanned around the room and realized that her presence wasn't seen anywhere.

They immediately suppressed a smile and froze into their tracks,
sharing an uneasily look before the doctor breaks away and turns to me hesitantly.

"Where is she? I want to see her," I pivoted my head, unknowingly looking for my mother.

The silence hung in the air like the suspended moment. It was like a gaping void, needing to be filled with sounds, words, anything.

The silence which took place was somehow uncomforting and spoke for itself.

And at that moment, I realized that there's something wrong.

"Look," the doctor said with a forced smile as he tried to put me back to bed. "She's doing fine okay, you need to r-"

"But I wanna see my mom"! I brushed him off roughly, sweat beading on my forehead as fear began to consume me. "Where is my mom? Where is she?"

"Does somebody have the gut to tell me what on earth is going on"? I screamed furiously through gritted teeth as I still received no response.

"Where's my Ummi? Where is she"?

"Please somebody says something.." I pleaded desperately on the verge of tears as they remained silent.

"I'm sorry .." The nurse expressed in a desolate tone.

"What do you mean by sorry"? My face got decomposed with fear. "S-She's going to come back right?"

"You don't understand, do you?" The nurse looked sadly into my eyes. "Your mother's insisted for an operation in order to save your life, we refused first but finally agreed, it took us a while to prepare everything and we operated her, things were perfectly fine but ..

"Your mother hasn't survived .."

"I'm sorry ..." She repeated again, resting her head on top of mine.

The reality hit me right away, and the thing I did not want to happen; happened. This was something I was aware of deep down inside but I strictly refused to accept. I couldn't accept it. I wouldn't accept it.

"No, this is not true." I shook uncontrollably my head in an aggressive way, as if I was possessed.

"This can't be true , you are lying. I don't believe you! I can't believe you, you hear me"? I yelled, trying to get out the way before I erupt in my furious state. But the nurses have started surrounding around me preventing me from escaping.

"My mother can't die! She can't go! She can't die, you hear me"? I shouted in pain but they were only watching me suffering.

"Not my mom, please not my mom .. "

"Please not her .. She's the only one I have left .."  tears started falling from my eyes as total regrets were taking over. I sniffed and wiped away my tears, but the tears seem it didn't want to go away.

"H-how can she abandon me"? I asked to myself. I landed my reddened eyes on the nurses around me but they seemed running out of words.

I stared back into emptiness as if it could reply to my questions.

"Tell me wha- what would I do without my mother"?

"Adam would hate me"! I yelled to myself as my thoughts suddenly went to him. "I am such a scum .. I am such a scum ... "

I confessed to myself remorsefully before bursting into tears.

"Mom .."! I shouted painfully.

"I wish I had seen your face one last time .."

When I finally let go, they took their hands off of me. And I slowly emerged from the anger and sadness I possessed.

Sitting lonely in the hospital bed, the nurse came in, put an envelop on the table and left, thinking I was asleep. I step out of the bed and grabbed the white envelop; a letter was inside.

Tears leached into the bandages they have wrapped my hand with as I read the last phrase she wrote :

"I'm sorry I haven't been a good mother to you .."

I'd lain crippled on the ground, weeping and screaming as if death was preferable ..