Crestfallen ↬ Carl Grimes (old version)

N E V E R

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE: NEVER

"You want everything so much and when you get it it's over and you don't give a damn. "

"What have I done?"

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IN MY ENTIRE HISTORY OF DESPERATELY ATTEMPTING TO SURVIVE UNDERNEATH THE IMMENSE PRESSURE OF THE DEAD, I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SAY THAT ANY CERTAIN TASK WAS HARDER THAN THE LAST. There have always been moments of pure desperation, determination, sadness, death, and self-proclaimed moments of happiness that I let shine through sometimes, but never moments where I am one hundred percent clueless on how to continue breathing during times of trouble and unknown casualties. Even when I was lost, I always knew how to breathe. I could easily force myself into inhaling that musty smell of that house back in the useless neighborhood and wait out death, for it was so much easier to then. If I had known how beaten up and bruised I would be now, I probably would have tried harder to push past that barrier between life and death and actually achieve the things I've always wanted to.

"Milah, please, open your eyes Sunshine."

My eyelids were practically two large weights pressing down against the middle of my eyes the more I tried to push against them. I knew that voice, for I remembered it so clearly as the voice that had pulled me out of that haze in the neighborhood what felt like ages ago. Wasn't his voice alone supposed to be able to pull me out of whatever prison I was currently trapped in as well? I couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even breathe without feeling like I was suffocating around the massive pressure on my chest. Was there something laying on me? Or was I merely having a panic attack during some freakish black-out?

"Milah, I know you can hear me. Please, just open your eyes."

Something gripped my hand so tightly that I was afraid it was going to break, five fingers intertwining with my own as a thumb soothingly rubbed against my raw knuckles. Was this even real?

"I know I failed you, Sunshine. I broke the promise that I gave you, and I know you're angry but please. I need you right now."

Something was wrong. Everything was wrong. I could tell just by the boy's tone of voice as he whispered those pleads directly into my ear. Did I miss something? Was I knocked out for too long? I remembered everything about Gareth and his group, and how I had been taken, but everything past that point was such a painful haze that I didn't even bother trying to dig through the thick layer of fog my brain put up between me and those memories. I couldn't hear fighting or gunshots, nor could I hear any voices. What made this boy so afraid and desperate that he sat at my side and waited for me to wake up? It had to be something important. It just has to be.

All at once, it seemed like, my brain began to defog itself, my eyelids growing lighter and lighter as they slowly come to. With a slight flutter, they open, my vision blurring only slightly as I look up at the grayness of the ceiling. Even without the fog, my head was pounding and heavy on my shoulders, my chest continuing to apply pressure against my entire body as I numbly inhale a few deep gulps of air. My leg was aching and sore, but from the tightness around it, I could tell that there was a freshly wrapped bandage tightened around the large gash Gareth had left me as a souvenir. Everything was quiet except for the two sounds of breathing coming from me and the boy, my head tilting slowly so I could look at those familiar blue eyes I had grown so accustomed to having by my side at all times. The room was dark except for a single row of candles that lit the first couple of pews, enough to let me see through the dimness as I shift gently on the pillow underneath my head.