Patriots: New York

Chapter Thirty: The Funeral

I finally had to go home. I had long overstayed my welcome in camp and Audrey still didn't know that Will was dead. Alexander took me home to the tavern and I knew now I had to tell her. I went over early the next morning, dread pulling my heart to my feet. When I rang she came running with such excitement.
"You're back! You have been gone for so long I started to worry something happened to you! Did Will get my letter? Did he send you with one for me?" She asked, her eyes full of light and hope.
"He did get it indeed," I said, my voice unsteady. "Audrey, can we sit down? I have some painful news."
She gave me a look of concern, "Oh. Are you alright?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I have something awful to tell you though," I said gravely, taking her arm and leading her to the parlor.
"A-alright," She said slowly. "My goodness, you're shaking."
"I-I know. Please sit down," I stuttered. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry."
"What for? Liza, please just tell me," she begged, having a seat next to me on the loveseat.
"There was a battle at Short Hills..." I began pretty steadily, "Everything was going fine, or fine as a battle can be...Danny was ready to fire at the enemy, but two shots were fired at him..."
Audrey paled and covered her mouth, "Oh my goodness!"
"No, no, he was alright...because...because..." Tears filled my eyes. I didn't feel like I could finish.
"What?! What happened?! Tell me!"
"Will...he...he jumped in front of him and took the hits!" I tried to stifle a sob.
Audrey gasped and bit her lip, "But...but you're good with nursing...you saved him right? He's just resting now? You're upset because he's hurt! That's alright...as long as he's not-"
"Audrey, dear, I couldn't do anything," I sobbed, "He was bleeding too much and Danny and I just dragged him into the woods. We had no proper bandages...just my petticoat...I couldn't save him... I'm so sorry...he's gone."
Her eyes filled with tears and her hands began to tremble. She breathed heavily and quickly for a moment, then let out a scream and started sobbing. I pulled her close to me and we cried there, holding each other. We must have stayed there for about ten minutes, but it felt like eternity, and neither of us could stop. Audrey's mother came running in in a panic.
"Girls! Whatever is the matter?!" She asked frantically.
"Mother," Audrey sobbed, "Will...he...he's dead!"
Her mother gasped and sat down beside her. "That boy? That boy you were writing to from the war?"
"Yes, mother. I loved him. I know we only saw each other a few times...but we were supposed to have more!" She cried, pulling away from me and covering her face with her hands.
"Oh darling," her mother whispered, pulling her close. "I'm so sorry."
I collected myself enough to say, "His funeral is supposed to be the second Saturday of July in Greentown, Connecticut at the Church there. Do you think you could come?"
"I couldn't miss it!" Audrey sobbed. "Mother, may I go?"
"Of course. We will both go. I'll see to it that a driver can take us up there, and Liza too if she wishes. I trust this boy was your friend as well?" She asked gently.
"Indeed he was," I sniffed.
"Then it's settled. We will all three of us go," She said.
"I ought to run along back to the tavern," I sobbed, standing up and frantically wiping my eyes.
"Alright, dear. I'm so sorry for your loss," Mrs. Winslow said sadly.
Audrey lent me a black mourning gown to wear to the funeral and we departed in her father's carriage, driven by a older slave. We spent many days traveling and spending the night in inns. It was nice to be a guest for once, but it was such a tragic occasion that the feeling was overshadowed. We finally pulled into Greentown the day before the funeral was supposed to take place. Danny met us in the little village square. I got out of the carriage.
"Hello, Danny," I said softly. "Good to see you."
He nodded a little. "Hello."
"Are you doing alright?" I asked.
"No."
"I guessed as much," I sighed, "Well, this is Audrey's mother, Mrs. Winslow."
Danny gave a smile so forced that it was painful to look at. "How do you do."
"Very well, thank you. Do you know where any good inns are in this little town? You know, ones without drunks and robbers," she asked as pleasantly as she could.
"Actually, my mother said you were welcome to stay at our house while you were in town," Danny said quietly. "I can drive you to the farm."
"Oh, you are too kind. That would be lovely, if it wouldn't be too much trouble. Are you William's brother?" Mrs. Winslow asked cautiously.
Danny stiffened. "Yes, ma'am."
"Surely your mother is under a lot of stress. Are you sure it's alright?" She asked.
"It's just fine, ma'am," he said quietly.
"If you really are sure. Tom," she said to the driver, "Let the boy drive."
"Yes, Ma'am," he said, and slid over on the seat.
"You can sit back here with us if you would like, Tom. You've been out in the elements all trip," Mrs. Winslow offered graciously.
"Thank you, Ma'am," he said, climbing up into the carriage.
"I think I'll sit up with Danny if no one minds," I said quietly.
No one objected, so I climbed up onto the driver's seat with him. I looked him over carefully. It almost had seemed like his grief had worsened, or maybe it was the fault of the black civilian clothes he was wearing. No one looked happy in black.
"Is your mother well?" I asked as we started to drive.
"Not really," he replied faintly.
"That's too bad. Will she need help around the house at all? I would be more than willing to offer any aid," I offered softly.
"That's very kind. I don't know if she'd like help," he said. "She's...grieved..."
"I can only imagine the pain of a mother when things like this happen," I said gently. "I've seen it before. It's unimaginable."
"I don't think it's ever going to get better," he murmured. "Not when this happens."
"Maybe after some time," I whispered. "A long time."
"Time won't bring him back."
I wasn't positive what to say, but I managed to say, "I know."
Danny just turned away and stared blankly in front of him. He kept driving, but after a while he must have lost focus. The horses were going nearly straight into a tree.
"Danny," I said, trying to get his attention. He didn't move, "Danny!" I took his hands and steered the horses away from the tree. The carriage tapped the tree a bit. Everyone was shaken but no one was hurt. "Danny, do you want me to drive and you just tell me where to go?" I offered, noticing that he was shaking hard all over, but still looking ahead blankly.
"What?" he asked finally.
"You almost drove into a tree. Should I take the reigns for a bit? You don't seem to be in a good state for driving," I said gently.
"Sure," he mumbled absentmindedly.
He stopped the horses and we switched places. "So where from here, Danny?" I asked.
"Um...that road, the turn up ahead...then left at the next corner..."
"Alright," I did as he told me. "Pretty area up here. It is nice to be out if the hustle and bustle of the city."
He nodded. "It is nice..."
"I always liked the countryside. I think that's where I want to live when I grow up, out on a farm," I said, watching some cows grazing in the distance. "I was lucky enough when I was little to live on one in Ireland, and visit my Uncle's farm in Massachusetts. It's a nice escape from the city."
He nodded. "Yes, it's lovely..."
"Where to now?" I asked.
"Turn here," he said.
I did, "Are we close?"
He nodded. "Just a few more minutes."
We drove for a bit longer until we finally rode into the stable of the Gannis farm. They had only two horses, these being it, and two cows for milk. They also had three goats and a few sheep roaming the fenced yard.
"You have some adorable animals here," I commented, helping him unhitch the horses.
"Yes, we've had them for ages," he said lightly.
"Well, they're very nice looking," I said.
Danny glumly opened the carriage door and helped Audrey and her mother out. They quietly said thank you and Tom was left to wait with the carriage and see to the little bump it had gotten from the tree. We went inside with Danny and were greeted by a pretty woman of medium height, slender build, with dark hair and blue eyes. She looked to be about middle aged, probably how most parents of boys in their teens were. She did have a rather striking resemblance to Will in some ways, I think they had the same nose.
"Good day, Mrs. Gannis, I presume?" I clarified.
She smiled in a wary sort of way. "Yes. Good day to you, miss....?"
"Liza Byers, I'm a friend of your sons. It's very kind of you to offer your home for us to stay for a few days. I'm very sorry for your loss," I said more gravely.
Her smile faded in an instant. "I am too," she said softly. She smoothed her skirts suddenly. "Where are my manners? Sit down, please...." she gestured to a table with chairs. "Liza," she repeated. "I've heard much about you. You took care of my Danny when he was shot."
"Indeed I did. We became quite close through that," I said with a little smile. "And this is Mrs. Adam Winslow and her daughter Audrey. She and Will had...had quite the...affection for each other." I struggled with how to say it. Audrey nodded solemnly.
Mrs. Gannis' eyes filled with tears. "I heard...it's an honor to meet both of you," she told Audrey and her mother. She took out a handkerchief and dabbed at her eyes. "So sorry..."
"Mrs. Gannis, you ought to sit down as well," Mrs. Winslow said kindly, motioning to a chair next to her.
"Oh, no, I'm alright..." she tucked her handkerchief away. "Can I get you all anything? I'd offer you tea but we haven't had any of that here in forever..."
"That's alright. That's partially the fault of my friends..." I did not want to trouble her at all, but my etiquette lessons had taught me never to refuse the generosity of a hostess, "I'll take a glass of water."
"And the rest of you?"
"We will have the same," Mrs. Winslow said politely, "Thank you."
Mrs. Gannis nodded and hurried off to fetch them.
"Shall I get them, mother?" Danny asked quietly.
She shook her head. "You sit down and rest, dear."
I looked all around the room. It was rather simple, but beautiful. One thing especially caught my eye. On the wall of the sitting room, which was right next to the kitchen in which we were sitting, there was a beautiful painting of two little boys. One looked about three or four years old with golden hair and blue eyes. He was holding a baby with darker hair and similar features.
"That's a lovely painting in there," I said.
Danny did not look up. "Yeah."
Mrs. Gannis hurried back into the room with our water. "I heard you comment on the painting. My-my husband was an artist as well as a farmer. He painted that of Will and Danny right before he left for the war..." she said, her voice shaking a little.
Danny hurried and took the water from her and set it on the table. "Sit down, mother."
"I'm dreadfully sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, Mrs. Gannis. I must say your husband had some real talent," I said gently.
"No, no, it's alright..." she smiled a little. "He certainly did. I do miss him."
"I would think. Is there anything I can do for you?" I asked.
"No, no, you stay sitting down. I'm just fine for now. Thank you for offering," she said. The light caught on her face and revealed freckles across her nose like Danny's and Will's.
"Alright. Just let me know if anything arises later. I've been in domestic service and tavern work for quite a while so anything you need just say the word and I'll do it," I offered.
"Thank you. How was your ride here?"
"It was lovely. There is some beautiful country up here," Mrs. Winslow said. Audrey nodded silently. She had not said anything the whole trip.
"Yes, it was quite nice," I said, casting a quick glance at Danny.
"Nice," Danny repeated absently.
Mrs. Gannis reached out and touched Danny's shoulder. "You look tired."
"I haven't slept much."
She just nodded. "You should sleep soon, then."
I looked at him carefully. Indeed his eyes were bloodshot and his face quite pale. The poor thing was probably remembering his childhood here at home with Will and now he was not here. The painting, his room, even the house itself would remind him. How painful that must have been at that time.
"I'm making your favorite for dinner," Mrs. Gannis told Danny lightly. "That soup you like."
"Thank you. You didn't have to--"
"I know."
"That sounds very nice," I said.
"Anything else I can get you?" she asked, very clearly trying to distract herself.
I could relate to this feeling, but I also did not want to trouble her any more. "No, thank you," I said.
"Would you like me to show you to your rooms? I have them all prepared..."
"That would be very nice, thank you," I said.
"Yes, thank you," Mrs. Winslow seconded.
She stood up. "Right this way...through this hallway. Mrs. Winslow, you and your daughter will be sharing this room, if that's alright....Liza, you can stay here. Danny, you're going to stay in mine, Liza will be using your room."
"How about you?" Danny asked.
"I can just sleep in that old chair we have, it's as comfortable as anything."
"I can't let you do that!" I exclaimed. "That doesn't seem right, Mrs. Gannis. I could sleep on the floor or anywhere, but I won't force you out of your own room."
"I can sleep in the chair," Danny volunteered. "You should have a bed, mother."
"Danny--"
"It's fine. I probably won't sleep much anyway."
"Oh dear, you really should," I said worriedly, "You hardly slept when I last saw you last weeks ago!"
"Liza," he said quietly. "Don't you think I'd sleep if I could?"
"You must at least try," Mrs. Gannis told him firmly.
"We wouldn't mind if Liza stayed in our room," Mrs. Winslow offered.
"Or," Mrs. Gannis sighed, "There are two beds in Danny's room actually. The boys used to share it..."
"I shouldn't take..." I began to say.
"I'll just sleep wherever," Mrs. Gannis said quietly. "It doesn't matter much to me."
"But it really ought to be in a bed," I said, "Please, you've been through enough."
"She's right," Danny seconded.
When it came time for bed after a very quiet day and supper, Danny convinced his mother to sleep in her own bed and he would take his own. I would take Will's. It still did not seem quite right though. Danny sat in silence on his bed, just staring at the floor in the fading light.
"Your mother is very nice," I said, trying to make conversation.
He nodded.
"You know she looks a lot like you and Will. She's very caring like you too."
"Well, we are related."
I looked in the corner. There were two little stuffed dogs sitting on the floor. They looked very well loved and like they had been played with and mended a lot. I went over and picked them up. "These are very cute."
Danny glanced up. "They were mine and...Will's...when we were younger...I mean, I guess they're still ours...or...mine...."
I went over and set them in his lap and took a seat next to him on the bed. "Did they have names? I always used to name my toys."
"Mine was just named 'dog,'" Danny laughed a little. "Will's had an actual name...I think it was...something strange like...." he paused for a moment and picked up one of them. "'Jasper.' That's what it was."
I smiled, "That's precious. Looks like you had some good times around here. With all the animals and wide open space to play..."
Danny's smile faded. "We did..."
"I have a brother named William too. I haven't thought about him in a while. We always called him Billy..." I said, recalling my family.
"I never understood that," Danny said softly. "How 'Billy' comes from William."
"I don't really see either, but that's what we did," I laughed softly.
"I'm such a fool," Danny mumbled. "Thinking we could come out of this war alright."
"You're not a fool, Danny. Plenty of people thought it would be a quick thrill ride and they'd be home by Christmas of '75...myself included," I sighed.
"It's my fault, though..." Danny's voice quivered. "He'd still be alive if I hadn't...if we didn't...if I hadn't been so pushy..."
"It was his decision to come though, I'm sure. He was very smart. He knew the risk," I said gently.
"But I..." Danny covered his face. "I could've...I should've not...I didn't have to insist so much..."
"It's alright. The past is past. Now we have the future," I said quietly. "You don't have to blame yourself for what happened because it was not your fault."
"It's not alright. Not when I...not when I can't ever...I'll..." he took a shaky breath. "I'll never see him again."
I had a thought, "Where is his body right now? Maybe you could go see him before they bury him."
"That'll make it worse," he said, stifling a sob.
"Then you don't have to," I said, putting an arm around his shoulders. "And you can still see him in other things. There's that painting, and the things he loved..."
Danny took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I'm just..." he wiped at his eyes. "I think I'll just try to sleep."
"Alright. Might do you some good," I said, patting him on the shoulder.
He nodded silently. I pulled the covers back and tucked him in the best I could. I had to give him a bit of Will.
"Goodnight, Danny," I whispered, handing him the dogs.
"Goodnight," he murmured. But only a few minutes later he was up, and had taken the quill and paper from his bedside and scribbling out something furiously by the light from the window.
"What are you doing now?" I asked.
"Writing another letter."
"Think you'll have Will buried with them? Audrey had a letter that she planned to have delivered to him that she wanted him to have," I said.
"I've burned most of them."
"What is burning them going to do?" I asked gently.
"Well, I figured Will's got to be in heaven, right?" He sounded like he could burst into tears at any moment. "The smoke goes up...I just...I guess it's stupid, I just...just thought...I don't know..."
"That's a good thought," I said, going over to him. "I see how that could work. What sort of things do you have to say now?"
"I'm afraid if I start reading it I'll..." Danny wiped his eyes again. "Start crying again..."
"That's alright. I won't make you," I said softly, but I did read over his shoulder curiously. 'My dear brother Will, today I arrived at home. I thought it would offer some comfort but I fear it's made it worse. I wish you were here. I remembered your stuffed dog's name, Jasper. I always did think it was ridiculous, but you thought the same about mine, didn't you? Mother is terribly grieved. I wish I could help her but I'm in the same boat. I don't think I can handle your funeral. I'm sorry for everything, and I wish I could have told you that while you were still here."
Danny's writing stopped after that. He was absentmindedly stirring his quill in the ink. Tears formed in my eyes but I tried not to show them. I wrapped my arms around him from behind and put my cheek to his.
"He would love this letter. In fact, I'm sure he is enjoying them," I said in a whisper.
"I hope so."
I had remained strong for everyone else's sake nearly this whole time, but this silence with Danny made me recount all of my times with Will. Of course it was much shorter than Danny's time with him or really everyone else's, but he had caught me in the depths of despair more than once, and he always assured me that everything would be alright, that I could rise above my place at the bottom of society. I had assured him everything would be alright with Danny. I had held out so long in my rut of sadness and fake happiness, but he had tried to help me. Tell me everything would be alright. Now things were worse than they had been, because he was gone.
"Danny," I sniffed, "Please tell him that he's been such a help to me, and tell him for him I'll clean up my life."
Danny bit his lip to keep back his tears. "I will. He'd be...he'd be glad to hear that."
I nodded. He added to the letter. 'I also wish that I could tell you how much of a help you've been to me, so much, but also to Liza. You've helped her a lot, and she said she'll fix her life for you. I wish I could thank you..."
I took a shaky breath, "Thank you, Danny."
"You're welcome," he said quietly.
He continued writing and I tried to stop the tears from rolling down my face. With how close we were, they mixed with his and we both sat there silently crying.
"The letter looks beautiful," I said after a long while.
"It looks like a grieved mess," Danny mumbled.
"No it doesn't," I whispered. "It's beautiful."
"If you say so."
"You ought to go to sleep, Danny," I said quietly when he finished. "You look absolutely beaten. Some sleep would do you good. Tomorrow will be hard."
"I can't really sleep."
"Can you try?" I asked gently.
"Yeah. But I don't think it'll help much."
"I'll stay up with you if you want so you don't have to be alone," I offered.
"No, you need to sleep too."
"I'm not sure how much luck I will have either," I said. "Would you like some time alone? I'll try to sleep if you would like time alone."
"It won't do either of us good to stay up," Danny said. "I'll try to sleep."
"Alright," I said, "Would you like me to put the letter somewhere to dry?"
"Sure," he said quietly. "Thank you."
I took it and put it in the corner and set a book on the corner of it to keep it from blowing from the wind. I returned to Danny. He lied down in the bed and I tucked him in again. "Goodnight, Danny."
"Goodnight, Liza."
I changed into my nightgown and climbed cautiously into Will's bed. It still did not feel right. It felt warm, as if it had just been occupied. I knew that was impossible, and it was a hot night anyway. Everything was warm. It still almost felt like Will was in here, or had just left and would be coming back. These thoughts were probably products of my exhaustion and grief, but they felt real. I looked to Danny to see if he was asleep. He was turned away from me, so I couldn't tell. I did fall asleep slowly, but I didn't know if Danny had.
I woke up just as the first light was poking through the morning. Danny was asleep by this point thankfully. I dressed quickly in my black gown and shoes and decided it would greatly help everyone if I made breakfast. I tiptoed into the kitchen where there was a basket and I snuck outside to the henhouse. I gently collected a few eggs and brought them inside. I noticed they had a nice Franklin stove for cooking so I did not have to mess with open fire. I set the fire within it and fried up several eggs. There were enough for everyone if they chose to eat. There was a chance they would not want anything, but it was there if they wanted it. I started a pot of coffee as well. Mrs. Gannis came into the kitchen very startled.
"Good morning, Mrs. Gannis," I said pleasantly.
"Good morning, Liza," she replied slowly.
"I thought I would help you by making some breakfast," I explained.
"That's very kind, thank you. You didn't have to do that."
"It's the least I could do to repay you for your hospitality," I said. "And hot food seems to be a bit of a comfort sometimes. Danny was writing to Will again last night and it seemed almost like his health was failing him he was so upset. Hopefully this makes him feel even a little bit better."
She shook her head. "I don't know what I can do for him at this point. Nothing's going to mend his heart."
"Love may, in time. He's surrounded by those who love him. That may make a difference later, but for now he's inconsolable," I sighed. "I feel terrible for him. I wish I could do something that actually helps him instead of just saying things that are supposed to be comforting but probably are not. He's so sweet, I'd do anything for him." I put the eggs onto plates and set the table. "Have a seat, Mrs. Gannis."
She sat down hesitantly. "Thank you."
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" I asked.
"I would, thanks."
I poured her some and gave it to her. "Are you ready for today?" I asked gently.
She shook her head. "I don't think I ever could be."
"I can only imagine," I said quietly, "Maybe it will offer some peace though."
"I don't know," she said softly. "I can only hope."
Danny walked heavily into the kitchen.
"Morning, Danny," I said as cheerfully as I could. "Sleep at all last night?"
He glanced at his mother. "Yes...a bit."
"That's great, Danny," she said. "Coffee?"
He nodded.
"Hopefully your eggs are still hot too. If they aren't, I'll warm them up," I offered. "Hopefully the Winslows should be awake soon."
He nodded again. "How did you both sleep?"
"Just fine," I said.
Mrs. Gannis nodded in agreement.
"That's good," he said vaguely.
Audrey came in with her mother. They sat down at the table without a word. Audrey looked like she had not slept well, but her hair was still neat and she looked very tragically beautiful in her mourning clothes.
"Breakfast, ladies?" I asked.
"Yes please," her mother said for both of them.
I dished up there food and coffee and they are slowly. Audrey did not eat much at all.
"Come on, Audrey, please eat more?" I begged.
"I've rather lost my appetite," she said softly.
I nodded and sat down myself. Breakfast was rather silent and dreary. I finished up the dishes while everyone else went to freshen up a bit more before heading to the church. I then fixed my hair and looked out the window. It was a dark and cloudy day. Not very good weather for a funeral. Abe and Jack came in a wagon to pick everyone up. They seemed to be in worse spirits than I had ever seen them.
"Morning, boys," I said quietly.
"Good morning," Abe managed, but Jack did not even speak.
"My, the weather is dreary today," I tried as we all climbed into the wagon. "But you two look very nice."
"Thank you," Abe said dully. "And so do you."
The rest of the ride back to the little village church was very silent. I kept a close eye on Danny, who was sort of sitting limply and getting tossed in between his mother and me, not really caring much if he got thrown. When we arrived there were quite a few guests filing into the church. Audrey and her mother got out of the wagon with Abe and Jack's help. Mrs. Gannis and I followed. Danny stayed there, not moving.
"You coming, Danny?" I asked gently.
Mrs. Gannis stopped and turned. "Come on, Danny." She put her arm around him and led him into the church.
We took our seats near the back and the family took seats near the front. The coffin was open, I could see. Audrey sat motionlessly, not looking up from her lap. I took her hand and she looked at me sadly, her eyes wet with tears.
I couldn't really remember many of the words that were spoken by the minister. This was pretty different from the Catholic funerals I had seen. There were a few words from the family. Abe stood up to give his speech. He seemed sad but calm and collected.
He began slowly and clearly. "It's...impossible, to say everything I would like about this...amazing person we've lost. At times like these, words don't do justice to the situation, but...they're what we have. Will Gannis was...was an incredible young man...he was always so brave, so willing to help, kind but firm...he always made sure to balance everything out, be the rational one in fights. He was a patriot on the battlefield, and did all he could for this...this wonderful country that we're...that we're creating...but above all, he was dedicated to his family...dedicated to always putting their needs before his own, and that was what he chose to do in his..." Abe hesitated and cleared his throat. "In his last moments. Will was a hero in every way. Selfless and courageous....nothing clouded his judgement. Today, we have to deal with the limit of words, and just hold onto our memories of him...our memories of one of the best people I've ever known. And I urge you all not to dwell on what we have lost, but to dwell on the memories of the incredible person he was...however hard that may be. Will can...can live on in our memory, and...and the stories we'll tell of him..." He was silent for a moment before mumbling, "Thank you," and sitting down.
The sounds of quiet sobs could be heard all around the room by this point, including my own. Audrey had been weeping constantly throughout the whole thing, and even her mother shed a tear or two and she had hardly known Will at all. While being tragic and mournful, Abe's words had so much hope and peace in them as well. I only hoped his family saw it that way too. Abe was the only one of the boys who had the heart to stand up and speak, the other two were in no state in their emotions to say anything. The funeral ended and everyone got back in the wagons to go to the cemetery. Abe and Jack drove ours again. All the wagons were silent aside from the clopping of the horses feet on the ground.
"That was a beautiful speech you gave, Abe," I whispered softly.
"Jack helped me write it," Abe said quietly.
"They were very good," I whispered again, "You really have a way with them, Jack."
Jack glanced in my direction and was silent for a moment before simply managing a, "Thank you."
It was silent the rest of the way to the cemetery. We got out slowly and walked to the grave with a simple headstone reading William Joseph Gannis, born 1757, died 1777 in the Battle of Short Hills. There was a solemn blessing over the smooth oaken coffin before it was laid in the ground.
I looked over at Danny and his mother. They both had tears streaming down their faces and were grasping each other's hands tightly. They were all they had left of each other's immediate family, and they seemed to keep that in mind. Abe and Jack stood beside them, keeping their composure like the men they were, their parents beside them. Audrey, her mother, and I stood closer to the back of the crowd of friends and neighbors, looking on helplessly.
Once the burial was over we climbed back into the wagons and went back to the Gannis farm. This time Mr. And Mrs. Maris joined us. It was a tight fit, so I sat between Abe and Jack on the driver's bench. We all traveled in sullen silence and did not speak a word as we entered the house. We all took seats in the parlor and still made no sound. This remained for about two awkward minutes until Danny looked at the painting of himself and Will as children.
"Can we take that down?" He asked, an edge to his voice.
"No," Mrs. Gannis said firmly and decidedly. "Mourning him does not mean we forget him and erase his image."
I gave Danny's hand a little squeeze, trying to comfort him even a little. This silence was killing me. I decided to ask a question that I always asked to kill it, "Would anyone like something to eat or drink?"
No one answered. After a long moment, Jack finally looked up.
"Is there a pitcher of water somewhere? I can go get some cups...."
"I saw one this morning in the kitchen," I said quietly.
"Great. You go get that, I'll get the cups," he said.
I nodded and went to the kitchen. I found the pitcher and Jack came in and found a few tin cups.
"This silence is really something," I sighed.
"There's not much to say."
"I know. I can't help but feel now that it's my fault. I couldn't save him. I didn't have the materials with me, hell, I had a pistol on me! I saw the shots fired at Danny...I should have pulled my gun instead of standing there watching it happen! I keep telling Danny it's not his fault, it's not his...I had more to do with it!" I whispered furiously.
"You couldn't have done anything, you know that," Jack said softly. "If you did I would gladly blame you. It's very easy to blame people right now, but the only person I blame is the man who shot...who shot him."
"And we'll probably never know who that is," I sighed.
"That's a good thing," Jack mumbled. "I don't think...I don't think I'd handle that well."
"No one would, I don't think," I said quietly. "As much as I love forgiveness and mercy, that would test it majorly."
We walked back and set down the pitcher and cups. Jack sat down. "Well," he spoke. "Instead of being sullen and despondent, let's remember Will's best moments instead. If you will, let's talk about something that happened with Will that we'll never forget. I...I'll start. Um... so a few years ago, before the war started, Abe and I got in a huge fight. We wouldn't speak to each other and basically made life miserable for everyone whenever we were around each other. And one day, after about a week of this nonsense, Will walked up to me, took me aside, and...well, I expected him to say something like 'just apologize and it'll be fine,' but instead he just looked me in the eyes and said, 'get over yourself.'" Jack almost smiled. "And he went on to tell me what a fool I was being for carrying on that resentment because he knew how miserable it was making me. And honestly, that bluntness was exactly what I needed. Will was not one to soften things up....and a lot of times, I just needed someone to tell it to me straight, so I could fix things. Anyway, the next day, we resolved everything. But that was certainly not the last time Abe and I had our disagreements, and not the last time Will would help me sort them out."
"That's very nice," I said quietly.
"Anyone else?" Jack asked.
"He was more charming and loving than any boy I had ever met," Audrey said quietly. "He took me to the Schuyler Christmas Eve Ball. He was a great dancer, and so handsome, and of course he had a beautiful personality. I had known Danny first and once I met Will it was evident that he had shaped him right. He wrote to me once that he had wanted to be a soldier like his father, but he also wanted to be around for his children..." she wiped her eyes, "We never got a chance to have any of course, but be said he wanted to become Danny's father figure from a young age after he lost his own father...we wrote so many letters to each other. I would write everyday. Of course they would take a while to reach him, but I enjoyed his letters he sent me as well. His writing style was so true to the way he acted and spoke that it was like he was speaking to me as I wrote them. I am so sad I did not get more time with him in person," her voice broke a bit, "h-he was my first and only love."
"Oh Audrey, I'm so sorry..." I said gently.
"I don't think I'll love again, but I am glad I got the time with Will that I did," She said, wiping her eyes again.
"He always had great advice," Abe said quietly. "About....well, everything. Whenever I had a problem I knew I could come to him and he would give me the exact thing I needed."
"He gave me a fair share of advice too. He, well, all of you really, always seem to catch me when I'm in a heap of sobs about some little thing. He noticed something was wrong with me the first time we met. He also spoke so hopefully about the end of the war. He was so positive things would work out for me. They haven't yet, but I'll make them be like how he wanted," I said.
Mr. Maris shifted in his seat. "The thing that struck me most about Will was what a good example he was to you two--" he nodded at Abe and Jack. "And how mature and polite he was when speaking to adults. But he had a lot of fun with you boys too..."
I looked at Danny, who seemed to be lightening up maybe a little. "He definitely seemed like a fun fellow," I said quietly. "Care to share anything yourself, Danny?"
"I...." Danny's voice trailed off. "When I was really little, I got scared of thunderstorms...really scared, like I couldn't sleep, so Will would...he would sit at the edge of my bed and just talk to me and tell me all these...all these funny stories about what caused them, and...he I remember him saying... 'anyway, even if there was anything to be scared of, that wouldn't matter, because I'll always...'" Danny swallowed. "'I'll always protect you.' And he...and he did...." His voice broke.
I touched his knee gently, "That was just the kind of wonderful person he was, right?"
He nodded, but did not look up.
"Anyone else?" I asked.
"I always saw his father in him," Mrs. Gannis said softly.
"I wanted him to be the father of my children," Audrey sighed. "He would have been a great one."
"He really would have," I said.
"I wish I could've spent more time with him," Mrs. Maris said finally. "I didn't know him as well as I should've, but hearing all this today...well, it's reminding me that all our time together is limited..."
I looked at Danny again, just trying to make sure he was alright. His eyes were filled with tears.
"That's true," I agreed, taking his hand, "and we should make the most of it."
He nodded wordlessly.
I took out my handkerchief and handed it to him, "Here. Dry those tears."
He took it reluctantly.
Later that day the Maris' stayed for supper and then went home. Everyone retired to their rooms for the night. The sound of heavy rain drummed on the roof and thunder and lightning roared and crashed.
"How are you doing?" I asked Danny. He had not spoken a word in hours.
"Alright."
"That's a first in a long time," I smiled subtly.
"I just miss him a lot."
"I know. We all do. But it's like Abe said, we should dwell on the memories we have with him instead of dwelling on the fact that he's gone," I said gently.
"It's not as easy as Abe said."
"I know," I said. "It may take some more time, but just remember what he said. When do you go back to the army?"
"I don't know. Soon, probably."
"That will be hard on your mother. When you do go, please be super careful. You are the only one your mother has left," I said gravely.
"Don't have to remind me."
I nodded, "Have you ever noticed that storms are kind of beautiful?"
"Not really," he said plainly. "They're a nuisance."
"But if you look at your crops out there...wait those are the Maris'...anyway, look at your mother's garden. Now it can take in the rainwater and grow better. It looked a little dry when we arrived. But look at the way the wind distorts everything and the light flashes and the thunder rumbles. Isn't it just a little pretty?"
He shrugged. "I suppose."
There was a pause where we just listened to the storm rage outside. "You're going to be alright?"
"Yeah...eventually."
"That's good," I said. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"Not really...everything I say...well, it's just...everyone sounds the same right now, because no one really knows what to say when this happens..."
"Well, it's awful. Everyone is sad, and talking about death is not something anyone likes to do. I just want to be able to offer any help I can," I said.
"Thank you."
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
He shook his head. "I'm just going to sleep, I think."
"Alright," I said. "Goodnight. Shall I tuck you in?"
He shook his head. "Goodnight, Liza."
I went back to the kitchen to see if I could do anything there. Mrs. Gannis was sitting at the table, looking at a little book that appeared to be full of drawings.
"Good evening, Mrs. Gannis. May I help with anything?" I asked.
"Oh, no, you're fine," she said. "Aren't you tired, dear? You should sleep."
"I'm not that tired. I can do anything you want me to, really," I pressed. "Anything at all. I could sweep the floor, milk the cows, feed the animals, sweep the chimney, churn butter, do any laundry, clean the counters, wash the windows, dump and clean the chamber pots, beat the rugs..."
"No, no, you don't have to do anything like that," she said, setting down the book. "Thank you so much for offering, though. You're a lovely young lady."
"Thank you, I try," I laughed a little, "I don't get called that a lot."
"I don't see why not."
"Well, when you're around drunks a lot they see you and only seem to think one thing. Loveliness maybe, but not personality, just...you know," I sighed.
"Ah, right..." Mrs. Gannis frowned. "You work at a tavern. How did you end up there?"
"Well, it's quite the story. I came from Boston where I lived with my six siblings, my parents, two apprentices, and my grandfather," I remembered not to disclose Father Ignatius' real identity, "I was supposed to get married to the older apprentice to secure the family business. The thing was I had quite the fancy for the younger apprentice and had no intentions of marrying the older one. Things got really bad when the war began and right before the army was to move on to New York my parents decided to spring the wedding on us suddenly. Thankfully I heard these plans the night before and I took some things and ran away on board of a pirate ship. Of course I didn't know it was a pirate ship, but it turned out to be. He wanted to sell me into prostitution. Oddly enough I was saved by a British ship that was headed to New York. I made it to Lower Manhattan and got a job in a tavern."
"That broke your parents' hearts, I'm sure, when you ran away," she said lightly. "Have you written them?"
I blushed, "Ummm, no, just my sister who promised not to tell where I went. And my parents would not care that much, I don't think," I bit my lip, "Or maybe they would...I was making money by being a housekeeper and I was supposed to secure the business."
"Of course they cared," Mrs. Gannis said, her brow creased. "You must write them."
"If they think I'm gone forever it's probably better that way. They can stop worrying. Maybe I'll go back someday, but now I have multiple jobs to do in New York," I said slowly.
"That is exactly," Mrs. Gannis said, her voice trembling. "Why Danny said he and Will didn't write."
"I-I know. They told me, but then Will felt the need to and thank heaven's he did. I just haven't felt the need yet I guess," I said, trying to figure out the best way to present my ridiculous case. When it came down to it I was just stubborn.
She was silent for a long moment. "Well, perhaps you should. They're terrible grieved, I'm sure. Any parent would be. Do you know how broken I was when Will and Danny disappeared one day without so much as a note? At...at first I thought they'd been kidnapped, then I had people search, then I figured they had run away, and then I didn't know if I could keep searching, because so much can happen...."
I thought for a moment, "I-I'm sure that was terribly hard for you, Mrs. Gannis. Thing is they had a noble cause...I don't. I have a bit too much pride in the way and embarrassment to face my parents."
"Liza, you have to write home. If you've learned anything from your friendship with my sons..." her voice broke a little. "Please, let them know you're alive...the loss of a child, it's..." She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "It's too much to bear."
"I-I'll try. I never really thought about it that way. The only thing is...I've gone through hell and back since I got to New York. I don't want to have to explain most things that have happened," I sighed, "Your sons...they brought light back into my life. Danny gave my life meaning in those months where I was caring for him. Will showed me a family again...how much someone can care for someone else. I'm just too afraid to tell my parents what went on in the dark days, but they will want to know," I sighed shakily.
"You don't need to explain," she sighed. "You don't need to tell them everything, not yet...but you need to tell them you're alive. They deserve that much."
I sighed, "For a time I questioned whether I was really alive or not. I even thought I was dead for a bit. I know it sounds crazy. I have basically gone crazy. I almost think I'd be an embarrassment to my parents if they had me back."
"Of course you wouldn't be an embarrassment. I know all they want is to know if you're alive."
I nodded. "I will write to them soon. Say, that's a beautiful book. Are those more of your husband's drawings?"
"Yes," she said softly. "Would you like to see them?"
"I would love to." I said. There was a whole mix of , drawings. Some landscapes of the farm, a few drawings of cows, and many of Will and Danny when they were little. "They are so sweet!"
"He was a wonderful artist," Mrs. Gannis said lightly. "I miss him very much."
"I'm sure you do. Have either of your sons taken an interest in art like him?" I asked.
"When they were younger, they enjoyed art," she said. "Neither of them do much anymore. Perhaps Danny will...will pick that up again..."
"The drawings I see in the papers are not very good. They could use more skill," I said. "Maybe that would help him feel better. I wish he would stay with you or come back to New York with me. I feel like fighting is the last thing he needs right now, but he said to me that he wants to finish out the war for Will. He was doing it for Will."
"Actually..." Mrs. Gannis paused for a long moment. "Would...would you like to stay and live here with us for a while?" She hesitated. "I'm--I'm sure it would help Danny, and I can't imagine you going back to a dingy tavern after all you've done for us."
"Th-that would be lovely," I stuttered, trying to think of any parties that Ben would pester me to go to that would keep me from being able to stay. I could not think of any. "I'll have to write my boss, but he has other employees. It would probably be alright. Are you sure?"
"Yes, I've just...just been thinking, for a while, since...since Danny and Will first mentioned you," she stammered, like she had to explain herself. "We would love to have you stay here."
"Thank you. Thank you so much," I said in disbelief. "J-just being away...away from the smell of pipe smoke and alcohol...away from the stigma involved with my job...on a nice little farm up here...it would be so nice."
"Of course." Mrs. Gannis smiled widely. "Of course...Danny will be thrilled..."
"Of course Audrey and her mother are planning to leave tomorrow. It will be easier for them to go without me anyway. The nice inns they like to stay in are more expensive than a penny a bed. I'll inform them in the morning," I said quickly. "Audrey, poor dear, I hope she will be alright. My skin has been thickened by all the tragedy I've endured, but she is not used to it. She's young though, she'll get through it, I hope."
"It's a terrible thing that's happened," Mrs. Gannis murmured, her smile fading in an instant. "I hope we can all get through it."
"I think we can," I said, touching her hand.
She squeezed my hand. "I'm glad you'll be staying with us, Liza."
"I'm glad to stay here too. You are so generous, Mrs. Gannis," I said with a smile.
"Get some sleep now, it's late, alright?" she asked softly.
"Yes, Ma'am," I said obediently.
I had feared leaving them so much, but now I did not have to, and my, was I glad and relieved.