y o u t u b e. - [fierrochase]

chapter twenty eight

 

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Magnus didn't know where his voice came from when he said those words to Alex. Whatever effect that had on Alex, Magnus was not actually as prepared as he was for the talk they were about to have. It's not that he really wanted to talk about anything regarding feelings before because feelings sucked more than anything else in this world—for at least, for him it was.

He didn't like how his feelings have played his way of thought into dealing with Alex Fierro. Everything that had to do with Alex and feelings didn't match up as lovely as he thought. Having feelings for Alex Fierro was not all that much. Except for the way the flowers in his eyes bloom every time he looks at her—or how the beats of his heart thickens whenever he deals with the thought of conjuring up the right words.

He was not excited for tomorrow. He just laid in his bed filled with thoughts that he didn't know were possible to have. So he decided to do something he wasn't really that on board to do. He fixed his setting, with his desk and camera, and sat there, waiting for the livestream to commence.

"Hey." He said once the comment section blasted off in some way. He cleared his throat.

"I don't know what kind of video this is." He said as he looked at the lens. "This is particularly something I'm not gonna say to anybody at all. I don't even know if they're gonna see this video. Probably not. Probably yes. Who knows, really?" He said as he shrugged.

"This video or livestream or whatever is for me to explain to myself what it meant to feel something for someone." He made sure to enunciate every word with enough emotions. "I'm not gonna say who, but I think you already know." He shrugged. Of course, the comments would be filled with her name—Alex was a big part of Magnus' image.

"I know, I'm oversharing again. And I don't think it's really a bad thing because, well, the Internet, aside from Alex, is all I could ever depend on. Blitz and Hearth are always very busy, and I am just here alone. And well, with Alex. It's kind of complicated. Like my whole life." He then laughed awkwardly.

"I know you all see me and her together." He said as he looked at the screen. "I'm quite sure she's resting now and I'd probably delete this right after. I just wanted to know some of you guy's' opinion. Like what the fuck should I do? I told her I wanted to talk about the two of us, and it's just stupid that I don't even know what to do or feel about what is happening and it's really something I'm not happy about." He laughed, and smiled at the screen.

"Everyday of my life had been a puzzle piece, and she was this person who had those pieces in her hands and I can't really tell whether it was something I wanted, or something I have let my vulnerability consume." He sighed, ignoring the comments. "The depth of emotions I can't control can never deepen how much I want them. I have always found my emotions as my liability, and it's definitely not the best thing to talk about. But hey, it's the only thing I can talk about right now."

"Whenever I try to tell anybody anything in real life, I just don't know if it's something I should do. But when it's in the internet, I feel valid and supported and like I can be comfortable in a way. Maybe that's a bad thing, but that's the only thing I can do to cope up with my anxiety about everything and honestly, I don't see it as a bad thing."

"An audience is an audience. The presenter will always be some guy with a script, or without one. Who knows what a presenter presents unless the audience sees it? I'm not that kind of presenter. I am bare, I don't follow scripts. I follow my mind. I lay out my words, and I am here to tell you something—my emotions are my liability and it's exactly how I tell them of."

"My emotions for her are my weakness. They make me seem frail and passive and, well, breakable. The vulnerability that had been etched with passion had been the death of me and sometimes, the emotions drowned me down that I forget about what that even meant to me as a person."

"So yeah. Whatever happens, happens. Apparently."