y o u t u b e. - [fierrochase]

chapter nineteen

i have problems but i'm kind of better now??? yeah whatever let's get onto this shit

AND I JUST FUCKING CHANGED MY USERNAME TO CHASEFIERRO MHM THIS IS THE NEW ME PEOPLE

I ALSO DREW ALEX WIEEEEE IM SO PRODUCTIVE (even tho it's a shitty drawing mEH)

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"Hey." Magnus said as he waved to the camera. Today was Sunday, and he always did livestreams on Sundays because it was the Lord's day and he said it would be kind of like a church day where Christians go to church, while he—the ironic atheist he is, just does livestreams. "So I was depressed yesterday." He said as he looked down and a bitter laugh escaped his mouth.

Magnus was actually really open to his depression. Not the kind of open when he just talks about how he wanted death right then and there, but talks about it openly in a form of motivational and educational way to enlighten his audience. "It wasn't the kind of depression where I just wanted death or for the earth to swallow me or anything. I used to have that kind, but that day yesterday, I just felt numb and wanting to hate everything and ah—" He flailed his arms to make that clear enough. "I just sucked and delved into my own thoughts about life and all that shit like I always do." He said and facepalmed. "It's not cute. Of course, I'm not cute. But some people say depression is adorable—it's not. Fuck you."

He readjusted his position as his eyes skimmed the comments about positivity and righteous yeses. "I'm just gonna talk about my mental health state now. If that's okay. Just wanna share somethings with you. Apparently, I have friends like Hearth and Blitz whom just started their channel! Go over and subscribe to them, aye? They're a lovely couple who are parents to me. And I also have Alex who have came over yesterday to comfort me, but we'll get to that later okay?" He said as he smiled.

"So, depression." He said, "or at least my experience with depression." He shrugged and smiled at the camera. "During my childhood days, I really had much problems. One was why the heck was my dad not here with us, why am I growing up with no dad. Then there goes my mom's death when I was 16. It's kinda hard to imagine that it had been ten years since then. My mom is a great person—probably the greatest, and losing her was something that made so sick of living." His mind recollected those times. His mom on that hospital bed, her smile evident on her face even at her last moments. But he shook his head, trying not to cry, because he knew that if he cried, his mom won't be happy about that. "And wherever my mom is, I know she's proud of me now. I guess." He shrugged. "Love you, mom."

"So really, with that backstory, you can already know what caused my depression. And it wasn't just temporary depression, not that simple sadness you feel over losing a parent or something, that's kind of temporary? I guess, because you need to get over it and get on with life and accept it. But I had troubles accepting it. I had parents issues but hey, that's not just it. Upon trying to live life in my uncle's bounds, like he kept me in his house but I wanted to leave because I wanted independence and all that. I worked my ass off to get some money, which I now have—HAHA. I got myself graduating high school then I studied a few years of university until I dropped out for a few years because apparently, I was out of my uncle's house and living on my own so with all the bills and that, I couldn't really pay for tuition. But apparently, I have tumblr and a few other accounts that were I don't know—had lots of followers telling me I should fucking do a YouTube channel? So I did, and google just did this and that and now I'm here."

He cleared his throat. "Throughout my YouTube career, which I'm almost like a whole year now, I think? I don't remember really. It only feels like months to me—even when the growth of my channel was really fast. I'm thankful for you guys though, but I don't really care how much subscribers I have because well, I use this channel to talk about stuff and it doesn't really matter if people actually talk about me being influential and all that. I just like talking here and using this chance to prove that hey, my life is actually getting better and my depression actually helps me with it."

"But no." He said as he looked at the camera with those sharp eyes. "Depression doesn't always help me. It did help me with writing though, it just seemed like I had so much to write about when I'm sad or feeling incomplete or have this certain thing of dreading myself." He cleared his throat again, quickly batting an eye to the comments section. "Feeling this way, and having to deal with just being absolutely tired of everything in life is really hard, and is still haunting me at times. But to everyone who feels the same, let me just tell you guys this simple thing." He smiled.

"Life apparently gets better, because whatever you're going through it always ends. Everything ends, everything changes. Changing is constant. If you feel like it's not gonna change by just waiting for it to change, then do your thing and change it yourself. Being happy is a choice and it is your choice to be happy. And for me, well, go and choose to be happy. I know it is hard—you can't just tell yourself to be happy all the time. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel. But always remember that it is also okay to control what you feel." He said and adjusted his hair. "It's also okay to not control what you feel. It's also kind of hard when you just don't have the control you want. But it's not really that hard when you grasp it. Just take enough rest, or be with friends that help you."

Magnus glanced sideways. "Surround yourself with friends." He said, "That's another tip. It doesn't necessarily mean be an extrovert who loves to surround themselves with people—but have friends to tell your problems to. It's okay if you don't really tell them all the things you worry about, but it's really okay to share some with people who actually understands you. Kinda like how Alex understands me. I know, most of the shippers would go off and blast all the lovely comments about me and Alex being together and all that. We're friends, people. We tend to stay as that, unless feelings do ensue. It's okay to ship us, but right now, we're friends who understands each other. And having her around me just makes life a lot better and easier. Well, I did have Hearthstone and Blitzen back before Alex, but they were kinda busy with all the animation Hearth is doing, and Blitz with his shop. They are both precious human beings which I really love. So I guess yeah, surround yourself with people like them."

"Like yesterday, Alex called me—for some chat about memes probably. And when I told him—he was a he yesterday—I was depressed, he already knew what to do and went to my apartment and comforted me and yep, there goes the shipping comments." He said as he laughed.

"Don't go over and tell yourself you aren't worth it. Your happiness is always a priority worth prioritizing—your well-being is a priority and it is valid and I hope you all prioritize your health and happiness. You could always go out for walks in the sunshine or try gardening, try distracting yourself—play instruments, write poems or songs or anything, try baking something or cooking, or cleaning your room, or listen to music. You can cry new things and actually find something you will do with vast happiness. You have so much you can do, and believe me—" he looked right at the camera. "You can fucking do it. I don't give a shit if you say you can't, I know you can. You are a strong person, you can get over all of this and you will be happy one day, you will get over it and you will be so fucking happy, I promise you. So never give up, don't hurt yourself in anyway because you are a precious human being. Your body is the covenant of your soul and your mind and your whole existence, and I fucking believe every existence in this world matters. Your existence matters." He said and smiled at the camera.

"It may not go away today, but it will someday. I know it will. Believe me, it will. You will never know when or how or what, but it will go away and you will find happiness—either in yourself or in somebody's arms. You will find love in yourself and you will enjoy it. As will love find you. And happiness, and content. And believe me, it's all up to you. You have your hands on your life, and you can do it. You can get out of that rabbit hole, you can escape that problem. I am here, and I believe in you. You can fucking do it, okay?"

"So what I'm trying to say here is that, your depression will go away one day, and you will look back to this and you'll just realize how much you've improved with life. If you're out of that hole which is depression, you will glance back down and just be glad that you're out. You can't always deal with everything negatively, even though it's really fucking hard to be positive, but I believe you can do it! That's it for tonight guys, I need to sleep now and get up tomorrow for another video. As always, I'm magnusficent, still a lame username but whatevs—and I will see you guys in the next video! Byeee!"

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Magnus is truly magnusficent