Like No Other

AUGUST 16, 2010

How was she to love someone, when no one had ever really loved her?

But this will be different, Emma. You loved your momma even though she was a royal fuck up. And your baby, no matter what kind of history you have, will love you too. You don't even need Trey. Let him stay mad. Never talk to him again. Quit. Hit the ground running. You could manage to find a decent enough job. You always have. You could go back to Phoenix, you loved it there. Imagine getting your baby ready for a first day of school in Arizona. The climate would be perfect. She'd wear sandals with Velcro and you'd make her memorize her address. Your baby would get a 'your baby can read' kit and shoot to the top of her class. She'd take up a sport and an instrument like her momma and daddy and then go to a good school like Julliard or Howard. Trey didn't have to know anything since he hated you so much.

But even as she thought it she knew she couldn't go through with it. Trey was upset with that but he didn't deserve that. No one deserved that.

So then what are you gonna do, sit in the hot car outside walmart all day and imagine or get out and just wait for another opportunity for someone to get mad at you and give you life?

She went with the latter eventually.

People were mulling about the parking lot, going to their cars or coming from. It was hot, being as it was the middle of the day but Emma was so preoccupied with her own thoughts she hadn't even noticed that she was literally burning up in her Ford.

A white woman, suburban mom if she'd ever seen one in track shorts and on a cell phone steered her husband away from Emma's car begrudgingly. 'You don't need that piece of crap,' she assured him when he'd just come up for a closer inspection, just to see an American classic in the flesh. His hairline was receding and his eyes had no glow. Emma could plainly tell by the look of longing and sadness in his eyes when he caught her face in the windshield that his wife had eaten away at what used to be him. 'The van is over here. What the hell is the matter with you I swear-...' The chatter died down. Emma pitied him even in her own despair.

A fresh flush of tears clouded her eyes and she cursed herself loudly. Emma wiped at her face like a fool, wondering at the last time she'd cried. Her nose was red, as her were her eyes. Her hands were shaking. Such a decision. But one she had to make.

Emma got out and locked her doors, making her way inside. She lally-gagged at first, grabbing a little basket and not picking anything up to go in it. She'd made it to the pharmacy and discovered the line easy enough. Her palms started to sweat with the verdict she was coming to. She wanted the baby so bad but Emma knew she wasn't ready. She couldn't bring a kid into the sordid relationship she had with Trey. That was irresponsible.

Emma moved up one person in the line and shifted her weight. She would have to put on more makeup before she went back in the office. Her face was ruined for sure.

If she had a girl what would she have called her? Emma knew this was a dangerous game to play but she thought about it anyway. Something French. Maybe something simple but cute like Zoe. Or Neomi. Emma turned her nose up at that last one. She liked Zoe though... Zoe Annette? That sounded pretty. It was pretty and way better than Josephine...

What about a boy?

Mmm, Lucas? Lucas was French... too white boy. Pierre she just didn't like... maybe the boy's name wouldn't be French. She liked the name Salik. And Anthony. Alexander. Remy, Remy was a French boy's name. Alexander Remy.

She smirked, not thinking Trey would like the boy's name. He might like Zoe Annette though. She moved up in the line again...

"Emma?"

Emma turned. Jasmine was standing there, Jazzy as Emma assumed she preferred to be called, with BJ close behind her gripping her hand. She had a pleasant smile on her face but her appearance there made Emma feel as though a ghost had passed through her persons, making her stark cold and probably pale. It was a walmart, she had no special claim to it but she couldn't help but wonder what Jazzy was doing there, now, of all times at this walmart of all walmarts. She felt like the cosmos had set her up.