Jump ➸ c.h.

v

calum

i turned in my bed, staring at the ceiling. my mind was completely filled with charlie's face and her words. i've only met her five times, - yes, five times - yet i seemed to have found myself completely infatuated with her.

it wasn't just the way she looked that i loved, but the way she could bring my mood up when i was sad, the way she filled me up with happiness, and could make me smile. she gave me a reason to live.

call me dumb for thinking so highly of her when i barely know the girl, but i couldn't help it. when you find somebody who you know is the one, you know it with the first conversation you two have together. for charlie and i, it was the day i tried to commit suicide. and to think, i never would've been able to hear her beautiful laugh, or watch how she always tucks strands of her hair behind her ear if i had jumped off of the building that day.

i don't think she liked me at all though, she never gave any hints of liking me more than just a friend. plus, i don't think she would want to date a sad and depressed person like me. i don't do anything but bring bad vibes into people's lives, but it's not my fault, i would stop being sad if i could. but sadly, that's not an option in life.

no, when you're depressed, it doesn't ever leave you. even when you're still smiling, you still hurt. no matter what you do, you'll always be sad, even if it's just a little bit. but, this doesn't hold true to me, not anymore, or at least not until charlie showed up. now, whenever she makes me smile, i am truly happy, even if it's only just for a second, i'm happy. i smiled at the thought of charlie, and hugged my knees to my chest.

and as i sat there, like a dumb girl who had just fallen in love, i realized what i should paint for charlie. i knew exactly what reminded me of her.

i pulled off my blankets, and quickly ran to turn on the lights. i walked over to my easel, and grabbed a pencil. as i reached to start sketching the outline of what i would be painting, the sleeve to my sweater slid slightly up my arm, revealing scars, some newer than others.

the image of those scars immediately made my semi-happy mood decline. i frowned, then remembered why those scars were there.

what idiot likes to paint?

what a faggot!

you'll never be liked, stop trying!

you're a disgrace to this family!

you look like an emo with that haircut, and you know what emos like to do, cut cut cut!

the phrases replayed in my head, not only those were being said, but many more. i bit my lip as my eyes started to water up, but the voices wouldn't stop.

stop trying, you're a failure!

i ran to my bed, sitting in the corner. i pulled my knees up to my chest, and started sobbing. i had no friends, no one liked me. i had failed my own family, and my old friends.

the taunting in my head became louder, so i took my hands and laid them over my ears, yelling for them to stop. by now i was crying violently, and my body was trembling. i felt so weak, so alone. i knew i was good for nothing, and i had no point to my life. no one would ever be able to fix me, i would always be like this. one little thing could set me off, and i would lose it.

"please, just please stop!" i cried out, pushing my hands harder against my ears.

among the sinister voices yelling at me, i heard a soft, angelic one. it took me a few minutes to recognize it, but as soon as i did, i followed it's instructions.

"listen, call me if you ever need help, no matter what time it is, and i'll be there. i don't care if we're not close, i'll do anything to help you."

my shaking hands reached into my back pocket for my phone, then dialed her number. on the fifth ring, she answered.

"hello, calum?" the voice answered, and i started sobbing even louder, "calum, are you alright?"

"ch-charlie." i wailed out.

"calum, i'll be there in two minutes, don't do anything, please." she said, then hung up.

i probably sounded like a five year old child that needed their mommy, but i couldn't help myself. i had to call her, she wanted me to.

i heard a loud knocking on my front door, and i stood up, my legs wobbling. i made my way over to the front door, my tears never ending.

"calum!" charlie exclaimed in worry as she saw my current state, "what's wrong?" she asked, grabbing my hand and leading me to the couch.

she sat me down next to her, and took her thumb, wiping away the tears on my cheek, "talk to me."

"i've failed everyone." i croaked out, then continued crying.

"shh, it's alright, come here." charlie said, wrapping her arms around me, pulling me tighter against her body. her arm was soothingly rubbing my back, and she was rocking me gently like a baby.

and with her touch and comforting words, i was calmed down. within ten minutes, i had stopped crying, and charlie had gotten me to get myself under control.

"i'm sorry that i woke you up at three in the morning to come here and deal with a big baby like me..." i mumbled once everything had been situated.

charlie smiled, and shook her head, "i was up, so it was no bother, really."

"why were you up?" i asked, becoming curious. all that had happened ten minutes ago completely forgotten about. that's what i loved about charlie, she could move on easily.

"i just couldn't sleep," she shrugged, "why were you up?"

"rarely do i ever sleep." i mumbled.

"c'mon, you have to sleep sometimes!" charlie exclaimed in disbelief.

i shook my head, "i haven't slept in the past three days, and when i do sleep, i only get a maximum of four hours of it. it's almost like i have insomnia."

charlie frowned, and i could tell she felt sympathetic, but didn't know what to say.

"you don't have to feel bad for me, i deserve it, i'm such a horrible person." my voice cracked, signaling that i was ready to cry again. i looked down at my lap, ashamed that i was such a wimp.

charlie grabbed my chin and lifted my head up, looking me in the eyes, "you're not a horrible person, and you deserve the best, calum. stop putting yourself down."

i couldn't help but feel my stomach erupt with butterflies at the fact that the only person i actually talked to, told me i wasn't horrible. everyone else i used to talk to had told me that i was.

i started to smile, which made charlie smile, "c'mon calum, give me a big smile, i know you want to"

i could feel my grin grow bigger, and charlie continued to cheer me on.

"charlie?" i asked.

"yeah?" she answered, her face becoming serious.

"thank you."

*

THIS CHAPTER WAS SO SAD BUT EXTREMELY CUTE DON'T FIGHT ME ON THIS

please don't tell me that i'm moving things along too quickly because i know what i'm doing, and i'm not moving it too quickly so hush hush