The One Thing I Never Expected | Ryden | By Ericasaur on LiveJournal

Chapter Twenty

            The rest of my family left on Saturday. My grandma barely said two words to me, but I grit my teeth and pretended like I didn't care, like I didn't actually feel stinging in my eyes and a tightness in my chest. Milly was the hardest to see go. Mark promised me that he'd make sure I'd still get to see her, but I'm not holding him to that. Aiden was the only one who seemed to genuinely care, asking me if I was alright and telling me that I can call him anytime. He told me no matter what, I'll never not have family to go to. I was supposed to go to school this week, but I got my mom to get me another week off. I just can't deal with it yet.

            So basically, after all this, I'm left with my mom, Aiden, Mark, and Milly. Four people who can accept me. Four people out of the thirty or so people in my family. I tell myself that's okay.

            That was about a week ago, and I'll admit, I've been kind of sulky ever since. I haven't been leaving the house or doing anything really. Why should I? I don't see the point anymore. If I stay in my house for the rest of my life maybe bad things will stop happening to me. This thing with my family hasn't made it easier to forget about what happened at the party. In fact, it's made it worse.

            I'm lying on the couch, clutching a couch pillow and staring at the TV without watching it when Ryan sits down beside me with a heavy sigh. I flick my eyes over to his. He's looking at me with an expression that's a mix of sympathy and exasperation, and it makes me feel sort of guilty.

            "Brendon," Ryan sighs, raising his eyebrows and cocking his head to the side.

            "What?" I say, feigning innocence.

            "You've gotta stop this," he says seriously. I sigh and turn my eyes back to the TV, hugging the couch pillow closer to my chest.

            "Stop what?" I ask, although I know he's talking about me turning into a hermit.

            "You know what," he says in a tone that implies that I do indeed know what he's talking about. "You need to get out of this..." he trails off, flailing his hand around in the air. "This state that you're in, I don't know," he finishes, rolling his eyes. "Look, I know you're upset about your family-"

            "Do you really think that's the only thing that's been bothering me?" I ask slowly, flicking my eyes back to him. Ryan opens his mouth, and then closes it again, his eyes widening and filling with sadness. "Because it's not."

            "I...I thought-" he starts, but I interrupt again.

            "What? You thought that I'd just forgotten all about that? Did you think I was over it now? That I don't think about it every single day? That I don't go hide in the bathroom so you don't see me cry? In case you don't know, it's kind of hard to forget about being raped." I stop, calming myself and taking a deep breath. Ryan is staring at me with huge eyes that look dangerously close to watering. "You- you don't understand what it's like, Ryan," I say in an almost-whisper. "I feel so worthless. Sometimes I don't even want to exist anymore," I say truthfully.

            "Please don't ever say that," Ryan says, sounding scared. "Brendon, please. I- Baby, you have to promise me you won't hurt yourself," Ryan says frantically, bringing a hand to my cheek. "Promise me," he repeats, a few tears spilling over his cheeks.

            "I promise," I whisper. "I remember the way I felt when you tried to kill yourself." Ryan flinches at the bluntness of my words. "I could never do that to you," I say honestly. I'll never tell him, but the thought has crossed my mind- suicide. If only for a split second, but the thought was there; anything to stop the gnawing in my stomach and the scene from replaying in my head. But then I thought about Ryan, and I thought about how when he collapsed on my floor that day, I felt like dying. If Ryan had died, I probably would have killed myself. And I'm not ever going to make him feel that way.