Trans Boy

seventeen. depression is the best anticure

"I miss home," I decided.

I hadn't heard any talking in a while. I didn't want to sit up and see if they were all there and I couldn't quite tell if the pressure on my leg was still Theo or just from how I was sitting.

I sighed deeply.

Then a voice. "I miss Waffles."

"Waffles? We had waffles for breakfast like, two days ago."

"I mean my cat, dumbass."

The group—which was still there—let out a collective little chuckle at the strange exchange I'd started.

"I kinda miss the parties I'd have at my house when my parents were gone."

"I fuckin' miss fudge, dude."

Then I heard Zaila chime in. "Fudge? Shit man, that sounds amazing right now."

"With a little champagne. Mm-mm."

There were so many different voices going on but there couldn't have been more than five people here, not counting me. I nearly sat up several times just so I could see who was saying what and have a face to the voice.

I looked first at Zaila, who was still sitting cross-legged. She looked at me and laid down. It sounded like the other people did, too, because I definitely saw Theo moving to lay down. He smiled at me like I hadn't been distant and weird all day. Like I hadn't been acting like a complete dick to him since I'd gotten out of bed.

"Does anyone have a guitar?" One guy asked.

"Bro," Zaila laughed so casually and light-heartedly that it was impressive. "Who brings a guitar camping?"

This sparked a small argument that lasted only a minute. There were three people arguing for bringing a guitar and two for not, Theo not getting involved. He focused on me instead and I wasn't sure I liked it.

"What's that look for?" I asked.

"What do you think?" He smiled softly, focusing on my eyes.

"About what?"

He didn't answer so I didn't ask again. For another few minutes it was just a comfortable, relaxed silence. I was actually appreciating it a lot. No counsellors came to talk to us, no other campers bothered us, no one came. If they did, they were good both just leaving and ignoring us.

A part of me—the part that just felt less angry and gloomy—told me to spark up another conversation. I would have if I had something to say. And of course, before I could come up with anything to say, I went back to being down and didn't want to do anything but sit.

"You hungry, April? I'm hungry."

Zaila sat up quickly and looked at the girl with cartoon hair. I guess her name was April. And I guess she did know people in the circle. More people than I thought, at least.

The girl nodded and stood up. Then Overalls stood up. Then everyone but Theo and I were up and walking back to the kitchen to get food.

"You don't wanna eat?" Theo teased, turning to look at me.

I made the mistake of looking at him. Once I saw his eyes, I didn't turn away. I just watched as he smiled lazily and cocked an eyebrow. God, he was adorable. If I believed in the god my parents did I'd be convinced he was an angel.

He smirked. "You're thinking about me."

"I'm looking at you. That's different."

"Nope," he insisted. "You're thinking about me and looking at me. Different things, sure, but still both happening."

I looked up at the sky again and he laughed out a 'no wait.' So I looked at him again. His eyes were soaked with sparkles and his laugh filled my ears with the sensation of being hugged. Every day he did more and more to me and slowly I was learning not to fight it.

"Stop doing that," I said, realising he didn't know what I was thinking about.

"Stop doing what, D?"

"Stop being cute. Stop messing with my head. Stop making me feel things."

He completely missed the point and asked, "You think I'm cute?"

I rolled my eyes. "Duh. But that's besides the point—"

"No it isn't! You called me cute and it's important."

"Yeah? You know what else is important?" I asked, purposely teasing his hope. It worked well.

He watched me silently, waiting for me to continue.

"I'm tired."

Theo sighed. "Well, that's not important."

I laughed. "Thanks. I'm glad you care." He nodded and reached his hand out, taking mine before I had a chance to reach out for his as well. For a long time, that's how we laid. Not moving, hardly blinking, ignoring the people who passed occasionally. Even in such a shit mood, Theo managed to make me feel happy. I didn't want to, but he was making it happen. So I guess I did want it, if it was coming from his doing.