Troubled: A Demi Lovato FanFic

Panic

I heard McKenna's little footsteps as she ran up the stairs. So young and innocent, but she was so special.

Kenna rushed into my room and leapt onto the bed, next to me. She grabbed my hand.

"You're gonna be okay. Mommy's coming. She's gonna save you."

I couldn't contain my tears. I was sobbing uncontrollably, and at this point, I didn't even know why. My fingers instinctively went to my wrists, my hands shook as I tried to refrain from clawing myself in front of Kenna.

"I-I-I'm o-okay K-K-Kenna." I said trying to soothe her, in a way I was comforting myself though. In reality I was far from okay though. I could feel myself slipping into a panic attack. My entire body was tense from the pain, my face contorted. I felt physically ill.

I wanted to stop the panic attack so badly. But the only way I knew how was to cut.

Demi rushed into my room, looking worried and shocked that I actually wanted her. After getting one glance at me, I'm sure I looked a complete mess, she spoke.

"McKenna please go wait in your room."

"Mommy please make sure Cece's safe."

McKenna gently let go of my hand and stared at me. For her sake I tried to smile and nod at her. As soon as she left the room, I lost it.

"No! No! Stop! Demi help me!" I screamed, jumping off the bed and clawing at my head with one hand, while frantically holding the towel with my other. "Please. Please help me." I felt like I was floating away from reality.

Suddenly I remembered the safety pin in the bathroom. I ran towards the door but Demi blocked me.

"DEMI STOP! DEMI I NEED TO GO. I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE." I screamed, horrified at what she was doing.

My head was spinning so much that I couldn't move her from the door. Instead I collapsed onto the floor. I leaned against the wall and crawled into a ball, squeezing my eyes shut, waiting for the pain to end. It was like Demi didn't exist, it was just me. Entirely alone in my own personal hell.

I felt like I was dying, no doubt about it.

I dug my shaking fingers into my wrist as hard as I could. The burning sensation brought me back to reality. I felt real again.

"Cece look at me. Cece look at me. Look into my eyes. Look at me." Demi kept repeating.

I finally lifted my head to see her crouched in front of me.

My eyes wandered, as if I couldn't control them, around the room. I still felt incredibly anxious. I also felt embarrassed. I seriously just flipped out for no reason at all. What's wrong with me?

I finally looked at Demi, but immediately I tried to look away. My mind began wandering, setting up for another panic attack, and I tried to get up to run.

"No Cece. Where are you going?"

"Anywhere! Away!" I screamed in desperation.

"No. Shh. Lie down."

She picked me up and lay me on the bed, causing me to feel trapped and helpless.

I squirmed around and frantically tried to sit up, in fear.

In fear of what? My own mind. Not Demi. But myself. I wanted to run away from myself. But no matter what I do I'll never be able to do that.

I finally gave in and stopped fighting. I looked into Demi's eyes as she comforted me over and over again and held my hand. My breathing slowed. I felt so helpless lying there on my back.

"You're okay baby girl." She kept repeating.

I finally sat up, once the dizziness passed. I had had panic attacks before, or moments where I didn't feel real, but they had never been this bad before. Usually I can hide them.

To break the awkward silence I spoke.

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? You can't control that."

Remembering my visible scars I looked away.

"Is there anything you need to tell me?"

"Umm. I um. I sort of... I'm struggling.. with.. self harm?" I asked, it came out as a question.

"I can see that. You know that breaks my heart Cece. I know how awful you have to feel to do that."

Silence.

"Why.. why didn't you tell me? I can help you with this."

Like I was going to reply to that. Cutting is the one thing I have left.

"Look, I can't stop you from clawing yourself. But I will make sure that you don't have access to sharp things."

"What the fuck?"

"If you go to treatment you know you won't be able to cut there either? Don't you want to recover from this?"

"No! I mean yes. I just want to be happy! Self harm makes me happy!"

"You think it does. But trust me, it doesn't. You're so beautiful. You're better than this. I promise."

"Why would I trust you?"

"Because I know. Now can I please hug you or will you freak out?"

I glared at her. She took that as a yes, and engulfed me in a hug. She rubbed her hand up and down my back as she hugged me.

I'm not going to lie. I felt comforted... and wanted.

But Demi hated me. Her 5 year old just witnessed me breaking down. How could she not?

"Promise me you'll come to me before you harm yourself. It's not worth it."

"Okay."

I still felt uneasy about the whole McKenna situation.

"Umm.. Demi?"

"Yeah Cece?"

"McKenna.. she saw my scars."

"She saw my scars too baby girl. Its okay."

"But she was really worried. And she saw me crying and flipping out."

"She's going to be okay. Just be honest with her. She's really mature for her age. And she adores you."

"So... you aren't mad?" That came out sounding desperate. My brain yelled at me to stop bothering Demi.

"Of course not!"

"Oh."

"Are you feeling up to going to school still?"

"Yeah." I lied.

"I'm going to have you go a half day, and after that I will get a tutor for you."

"Yay! Thank you Dem!" That was actually a good thing. I like learning, I just don't like people...

"You're welcome. Now get ready and then you can join me and the twins for breakfast."

"Okay."

It's funny how much a simple okay can really mean.

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