Dear Diary; I Love Someone

Dreams Are Just Wishes

Last night I had a dream. I was at the Gathering with my friends. Ben and Natalie kissed. I had ran off to an empty lot and cried. I sat there, sobbing until I felt someone kneel beside me. I should've been scared, but for some reason I knew who it was without looking up.

Ben had looked at me and told me I should've said that something was wrong. I had smiled sadly and replied "I don't care if I'm hurting. If you're happy with her, then I won't complain. I'm not going to sit there and whine and cry, saying you should be with me instead. If she makes you happy, then I'm glad you two are together." He had looked at me with pain in his eyes and said "But what if I want you to be happy too? What if seeing you hurt makes me hurt?"

I then said with a blank look. "I can leave then." He shook his head and hugged me, whispering "No. I already miss you when you're right next to me. I regret the breakup. I'm sorry I hurt you like this."

But that dream is just wishful thinking. It would never happen. My brain tells me 'What would Ben say if he knew you were letting yourself hurt like this?' He wouldn't care. Or he'd be mad, saying I don't have the right to be this upset.

Wait a minute....No he wouldn't. Why do I always think he'll be mad at me for something? He's only been mad at me a few times before, and that was for a very short time. And he tells me he could never hate me. When I said I doubted that, he had said "I doubt your doubt." Whatever that means.

I guess I just think I'm not good enough for anyone. Which is really quite sad, since Ben had felt that way, even when we were dating. Did I make him feel that way? Did I not show my affection enough? When I was with him, I felt my insecurities melt away. But for him, his insecurities just seemed to grow....

I'll hate myself for eternity if I'm the one that made him feel that way. He's already been told by people in his life that he's no good. I don't want him feeling like he isn't good enough. He is so much more than just 'good enough'. He's an angel. He has a pure heart, despite what he and others may think.

Maybe I'm just stupid and blind to the truth. But maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm right. Maybe he's a pure heart that was kicked out of heaven for making just one little mistake.

To me, he brings light. Yes, he can take away that light just as quickly as he gave it, but it's alright. He needs to have some light in his life too. And even if he has to wander the darkness, I don't want him to wander it alone. I want him to have a hand to hold when he needs it. Whether that may be me, or someone else.

Because I love him; and I'll let him fly away if that's what he wants.