Dear Diary; I Love Someone

I Don't Freaking Know Anymore

So, I promised Ben I would try to be friend's with Natalie. (Tina's younger sister, and Ben's new girlfriend) But last night when I was talking to him, he was acting weird. He hasn't been able to get sleep lately, and I told him to cuddle something and pretend it was someone he cared about, he said he had already tried it and it brought back memories and heartbreak. I said something about pretending it was just nightmares, and he said you can't exactly kiss a nightmare.

For a little while I let myself think he was talking about me. But then logic slapped me in the face and told me it definitely wasn't me. I shouldn't hope that he still has feelings for me, or that he regrets the breakup. Because he doesn't.

So, anyways, today I talked with Natalie and we got along well. Then I had to be awkward when she called me pretty and say, "If I'm pretty, why don't I have a boyfriend?" That made both her and Ben uncomfortable. The only one that didn't seem put off was Maki. His first name is actually Cye, but we call him by his last name. He's a pretty cool dude. He sits with me and Tina at lunch. But sometimes he says things that are a little creeper-ish. I know he doesn't mean to; it's just how he words them.

So, back to the awkwardness. Ha ha.... So, my heart hurts from seeing Ben and Natalie together. It makes me think I wasn't good enough for him, and she has something I don't...

I wonder if they talk all the time. And talk about their future. And say cutesy things to each other. And text each other goodnight while exchanging 'I love you's... I wonder if they've kissed yet...

I don't know why I still love him. But I do. I want him to be happy, but seeing him be happy with her hurts. I'll just sit through the hurting, though. I'm not going to try to split them up. That's childish. If he's happy with her, then that's good. So much crap already goes on in his life; he deserves so much better than what he's dealt with. So I'll sit by, and let them be happy together, and keep my protests silent. I'll be a good friend and try to be happy for them. I'll only let my tears fall at night, when no one can see me.

I'll do anything to make sure he's happy. He deserves to be.