Trans Boy

eleven. swimsuits and binders

Carlos used his hands to motion around his chest and I took that as his way of saying my binder without saying it. They could talk about it. It wasn't like they were ridiculing me.

"The binder?" I asked slowly, my voice almost a squeak rather than an actual voice.

"Yeah," he said softly.

"What about it?"

"Why're you so focused on it?" Zaila asked with a little less thought than Carlos had used. Neither Amy nor Rhonni spoke during this, just stood back watching curiously. I didn't expect them to talk. We'd only talked a few times and I was sure they were lost in the matter.

I shrugged. "'S just weird, I guess." I looked down and realised my voice was still in the almost squeak it had been just a second before. I looked at the binder. It looked like there was still a curve around my chest; a bump almost. But when I looked at pictures or reflections or anything like that, it looked perfectly flat. Lots of campers remarked on it, but I assumed they'd all known I was wearing a binder and wanted to make me feel better about it or myself. That's what a couple of my friends did back in Seattle.

Zaila stood beside me, hooking her arm around mine. Carlos quickly did the same with my other arm. I laughed, looking at Zaila before looking at Carlos, and then Rhonni and Amy, who did the same thing with Carlos and Zaila. What was happening? I smiled involuntarily, looking at them each as we started walking.

Amy, who stood beside Zaila, walked dramatically and caused Zaila to follow suit. She would do anything to be dramatic or make someone laugh. But it was a good dramatic. I appreciated it.

I also appreciated what they were doing. I didn't realise they were trying to distract me, but it worked. With Carlos and Rhonni mimicking Amy and Zaila, that left me to do the same. And I did. I didn't realise it, but we were all smiling and laughing, tight against each other so we could fit on the already tiny trail.

When Amy almost fell into the forest, Zaila and I pulled towards Carlos and Rhonni to pull her back in, causing momentum to throw us against him and Rhonni. She didn't laugh, but her smile was enormous and I knew she'd laugh if she could. It was a great gesture.

"What's going on with your cabin?" Amy asked, pointing ahead with the arm hooked in Zaila's. She unhooked her arm, squinting in hopes of avoiding the sun. We all slowly broke apart, Carlos jogging ahead and leaving us all where we stood. I had no idea what was going on, but I could see Jango, Adam, and Laura - and they looked pissed.

Amy and Rhonni stayed behind as Zaila and I finished the small bit of our walk left. The door to the cabin was open and I could see Jeremy inside with a couple other people I didn't recognise. Jango looked upset.

"What's-" Carlos went to repeat Amy's question only for Jango to hold her hand up immediately.

"Don't." She said with finality. She looked like she'd been crying, her eyes red and slightly puffy. She hugged herself and looked at Adam, who held his hands on his hips like an angry parent. Like one of my angry parents.

I didn't realise it until I'd done it, but I stepped back slowly, giving us some space. I didn't know what they were upset about, or what was happening, or how he'd react, but I didn't want to take chances. It was only Mum who got violent at home, but I didn't know anyone here quite that well. Chances like this weren't worth taking.

"Found 'em!" Jeremy shouted from inside. Jango breathed in a sharp breath before pushing past Adam and going inside. He looked at Zaila and I, but didn't speak. As if they'd been called, Chrissie, Roami and Cody showed up. Emerson was nowhere to be seen.