TW: attempted suicide
I don't like my mind right now
That one sentence describes me perfectly right now.
My thoughts are racing through my head, I can't think straight. It's always like this late at night when I can't sleep, but these night have become more frequent, nearly every night. I'm lucky to get 2 hours of sleep each night.
And I drive myself crazy
All these thoughts are making me slowly go insane. They are always the same too. They say I only think about me. That I'm selfish and I don't think about others, only my worthless self.
I don't know why I'm still holding on.
Why is everything so heavy?
I get weighed down by all of this, and I don't know what to do about it. Maybe it'll stop if I let go, if I just end it all here.
No.
I can't do that, but God is it tempting.
Nobody would miss me, my dad disowned me when I came out and I haven't I heard from him since.
My mum was the only one who cared for me growing up, but she was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago. I was the one to look after her but she lost her battle after 6 months, leaving me in the care of my dad. He hated me and blamed me for my mum's death, beating me and calling me names. As soon as he found out I was gay, he kicked me out, not wanting to be around a 'gay faggot' like me.
I have only a few school friends, probably because I barely go anymore, it's just a waste of time. My mind wonders off to others places when I try to concentrate.
But at the moment everything is a waste of my time, maybe I should do it.
But, what about Baekhyun?
I promised I wouldn't, not for myself, but for him. He knows about what's going on, but he still chooses to stay my friend throughout all of it.
One of the only people who did.
I don't even know why he did, I'm not anything special, just a depressed and suicidal teenage boy who can't even look after himself properly.
I don't like having to rely on him to stop me from doing 'stupid' things, and to help me through just everyday life.
He would be better off without me.
He could then concentrate on school and everything else without me bothering him.
I can see he gets so stressed over having to look out for me and having to do practically everything for me, but he still carries on and does it.
These thought carried on for the next hour until I couldn't cope anymore.
2:32 am
To: My Baekkie
Help, please. The voices won't stop
'He won't get it', 'he'll be asleep', 'he won't come and help your worthless self'.
The voices pushed me into my bathroom, where all of my pills are kept.
I grabbed my ones out of the cupboard next to the mirror, which was above the sink, and balanced the bottle on the side of it.
I put my hands on the sink and leaned on them, look at my reflection in the mirror. I looked like shit.
My hair all greasy and dishevelled, my eyes had large black bags under them, my skin deathly pale, and my whole body was now very thin and skinny.
