TW: suicide
Dear Yoongi,
I can't do it. I can't live anymore. It's to painful. The pain is the only this that's telling me I'm still alive. It's got to a point where I can say I'm used to it. It's sad really.
I've had to watch everyone and everything I love crumble and disappear before my eyes and all I could do was stand there and watch it. That was the thing that killed me inside the most. Not being able to do anything about it. First my family, them my friends and now you. It's not your fault, it was just another reason why I'm not here anymore.
By the time you read this I will be gone. I won't be having to live in this cruel, unfair world anymore. I will be pain free, the first time I will be able to say that in a long time. I will be laid on my cold bathroom floor with an empty pill bottle in my hand. It will be my depression pills, you see, I've planned it all out.
I hope you weren't the one to find me. But why would you be the one to? We haven't spoken in 6 months so I guessed you would have moved on. I'm sorry if you were but I couldn't wait any longer. It was too much for me to handle.
The voices I told you about came back after you left. They started off quiet in the back of my mind but gradually they became louder and louder. They say things to me. Things like 'your not good enough' 'fat' 'ugly' 'useless' and 'no wonder he left you'. I'm pathetic to believe them I know. But I can't help it.
When they are there all the time and saying the same things over and over again you tend to start believing them. They fill every silence with those words, so when I'm gone it will be the first silence I have had in god knows how long.
You always told me to talk about my feelings and thoughts, especially if they were like how mine are now. But I have know one to talk to. Everyone but you and my mum abandoned me after my dad died. You were all I had left, and you promised that you would never leave me. Well, I guess promises were made to be broken. All my friends promised we would be together forever but look were I am now.
So I suffer in silence.
My silence is just another unspoken word for my pain.
If you are actually reading this them please don't remember the depressed, broken Jimin. Remember the happy smiley, energetic one. Please.
Remember our first date.
We went to the park and walked around for ages just talking. By the time we had stopped talking the sun was setting, so we just enjoyed each other's company whilst watching it. It was so cliché but we didn't care. All we cared about back then was being with each other.
Remember our first kiss.
We had it under a cherry blossom tree which was growing in the back garden of my mother's house back in Busan. Our lips fitted together perfectly like pieces of a puzzle. The blossom was blowing off the tree and it was getting stuck in our hair. But we didn't care. All we cared about was being with each other.
Remember our first night together.
We slept in my small double bed with our limbs intertwined. You arms were wrapped around my waist, pulling me in tightly against your chest. My head was resting in the crook of your neck and I fell asleep to the rhythm of your heart beat.
Remember our apartment we bought together.
I was so excited about all the decorating and furnishing of it and didn't sleep at all the night before we moved in. We chose everything together, the paint colours, the curtains, the flooring and the furniture. The first night we slept on our mattress on the floor in our empty room. We didn't have anything yet. Not even our bed.
Remember our 3 year anniversary.
We went away for a weekend back to your home town, Daegu. You showed me all your favourite places where you used to hang out when you were younger. We even met up with some of your old friends who use to live there with you. It was a magical weekend and one that I will never forget.
Remember all the happy times we had together. Nothing else.
Please don't be upset by my decision. I made up my mind by myself. You didn't influence the decision at all.
Go and live your life to its fullest potential, for me.
I'll be looking down on you from heaven. That where my mother told me I would go when I left this planet, she probably didn't expect it to be this soon. But at least I will see my dad again. He told me he would be waiting for me.
I'll be there when you make it big as as rapper/producer. I know you will do it. Follow your dreams and don't give up.
I'll be there when you get married to the man or woman of your dreams. You will look hot in you suit, waiting at the alter for them to walk down the aisle.
I'll be there when you have you first child together. Adopted or biological. I bet you will be the best dad ever. You will be one of those cool dads who everyone wants as their dad.
I'll be there when you retire and watch your kids grow up and get married themselves, maybe even have children of their own. You will be reminiscing over all the good times you and your family have had together.
I'll be there when you are on your death bed. You will die of old age or natural causes and you will be surrounded by your family. Your husband or wife, your children, and maybe even grandchildren.
I'll be there waiting for you in heaven and then we can have the life of happiness that we always pictured us having together. I'll wait.
I'm sorry I couldn't say goodbye in person.
For the last time, goodbye.
Love your dearest Jiminnie
Yoongi find the folder under my bed please.
