TW: character death
What if you were here? What if I could see your beautiful, no, stunning face smiling up at me with your eyes turning into little crescent moons. With your silky smooth hair falling over your eyes and your high pitched giggle ringing in my ears like a little bell tinkling. I wish I could kiss your plump, pink, addictive lips again, they were my weakness. They always tasted sweet, like the person they belonged to. I wish I could have but I can't, because your not here.
What if I could hold you in my arms again? Your petite body fitting into my arms like jigsaw puzzle pieces slotting together. The way you would curl up into a ball on my lap and nuzzle your face into my chest when you were tired or embarrassed. But I can't hold you anymore, because your not here.
What if I could hear you sing again? With your voice like silk and how it was the perfect pitch all the time, hitting all the right notes. I would write songs for you to sing and I would rap in them too. Or if I could see you dance again. You were so graceful and the way you danced showed so much raw emotion and passion. How you danced around our small apartment making up a beat in your head for you to dance to. But I can't see that anymore, because your not here to do it.
What if I could see you in one of my shirts again? With it going down to your mid thigh and one sleeve hanging off your shoulder revealing your beautiful collar bone. Half the time it, and my neck, were filled with purple, red and blue marks from our 'eventful' evenings together. Your messy bed head from just waking up and your eyes still full of sleep, but always managing to be mesmerising, with their deep chocolate brown colour. I remember how you looked like a lost puppy staring at me when you pouted. I swore that pout would be the death of me! It would have been, but your not here to do it anymore.
What if I could hold your hand again? With my large hand engulfing your small, cute one. How you always had your fingers lined with silver rings apart from one, one which I had hoped to fill one day. But that day will never come now, because your not here.
What if I had had the chance to get down on one knee for you and ask you to be my husband? We could have had our dream wedding, invited all our friends and family. We could have had our honeymoon exploring new places around the world like you always wanted to. We could have adopted children, two, a boy and a girl and named them anything you wanted to. We could have but we can't, because your not here.
What if we could have grown old together? We could have watched our children grow up into adults and have families of their own. We could have retired and moved into a small house in the countryside, but still near the city. We could have but we can't, because your not here.
What if you hadn't been hit by that car on your way home from work? You wouldn't have had to go through all that pain and suffering. There isn't one day when I don't wake up in a cold and empty bed, wishing it was me. I don't want to but I do, because your not here.
What if I didn't have to see you like that? Laid in a hospital bed in a coma, with wires connected to your body everywhere, you even had to have help breathing. You had a broken back, the doctor said, and lots of bruising from the impact of the car. But even though the operation went good, they couldn't save you.
What if you hadn't slipped away whilst you were still in the coma? After being in it for 6 months and I never even got to say a proper goodbye. I never got to tell you again how much I loved you. I never got to see your beautiful eyes or stunning smile one more time. Or here you laugh and sing, or see you dance. I wanted to but I couldn't, because you aren't here to do it.
What if I didnt have to plan a funeral with your parents? It didn't mean the funeral wasn't any easier. It was only a small service, your parents and close friends came as well as a few others. I didn't cry. I felt numb. After watching your coffin being lowered down 6 foot underground and then being buried, made me realise how much I still need you. Why did you leave me? All our friends came over to me and your parents and said there sorrys, but that's not going to bring you back, nothing is.
So here I am, sat in front of your grave. It has been exactly 3 years since you left this world. Are you watching over me? Can you see me from heaven? I bet you are thinking how stupid I am for crying over you so much but I can't stop, I can't move on.
What if all of this didn't happen? What would we be doing right now if you were still here? Would we still be together? Would we be married? Would we have children? What would they be called? Will we still grow old together? Will we both die of old age?
But none of that can happen, because your not here.
But I wish you were Jiminie.
