The Monster in My Veins

Noah William O'Conner (27)

         

Jupiter lies in my bed, unclothed and close-minded. She hasn't forgiven me for the choking she deserved. At least I'm not HIV positive, which would've been a complete disaster. I'm insanely lucky for turning out clean. Those odds were slim, but I'm thankful. Now, I'm careful. I know what you're probably thinking... "Why haven't you left her? She almost got you sick!" Well, yes. But, she's someone who doesn't mind being used. I need someone help me cope. Every man has his needs, too. I don't want to stay lonely. Lord knows how long it would take for Bonnie to let me move back in. Until then, I'll just keep sinning. I hate to admit it, but I think I like her. A lot. By the way she looks at me I'd say she feels the same. That's why I'm not upset about choking her. If she likes me enough, she'll stay. Who else would want a girl with HIV?

Love is hidden beyond the most heart-wrenching pains. It's fragile and frail. One mistake can make it crumble. Break into a million pieces, not giving you any chance at all to put them back together. Once it crumbles, it's gone. Once you've been a victim of the heartache that made you consider suicide, is it possible to move on and love someone just as much – or even more – than you ever have? I think so. But, it's very unlikely. Because you're afraid to feel. You're afraid to feel that pain once again, because you know if you have to go through anything that strident your heart will surely give out.

I believe it's possible for some people to love again once they've felt what it's like to die inside. In the beginning, we are all stupidly desperate and dangerously inconsiderate. We think of no one else but the other person. When our heart gets shattered like broken glass, that's what makes it so difficult to love anything or anyone the way we used to.

I look over to Jupiter and watch her chest rise and fall. I wish she would let me inside, behind the false hope in her eyes. I wish she'd allow me to soar deep into her emotions, and let me help her feel again. We are all wandering through this globe, might as well live it joyfully. If our hearts will allow us too, that is. This "Love Story" we call our connection is slowly disintegrating and falling between the splits in my fingers. I try to tighten them, keeping some of what we have left from falling along with everything else, but they descend too.

A phone buzzes next to this sleeping beauty. I reach my hand across this unconscious body and pick up her cracked IPhone.

          Hey baby. I needa fix. Where ya at?

This. Little. Skank. I bite the side of my cheek. I don't understand why I'm so mad, but a part of me wants to relieve my anger on this fuckwit. So, I reply with:

          I'm on my way to you baby. Where are you and I'll be right there.

Adrenaline kicks in, I'm excited. I'm not even mad at Jupiter for being such a whore. I just want to fight. I want to punch someone and make them feel the pain I have kept inside, and right now I couldn't see a better opportunity to do that.

The man replies with exactly what I need. Once I get all dressed up; leather jacket, blue jeans, and a white t-shirt, I grab my keys.

This place is weird, but it's exactly the direction he gave me. I wish I knew his name, but Jupiter never saves numbers in her phone, which is odd. I walk up the front steps of an old white house with a brown door. Spider webs drape from above the porch and I feel as if the wood I'm standing on could break at any moment.

A piece of paper hangs from the doorknob which states: It's open. Come find me.

I've never seen anything like this. The walls are covered in toys. Is that a collar? What the fuck. I wander through the dimly lit house, eyeballing these things I never even thought of to be attractive.

"In here," says a voice. This voice is familiar. I follow it.

Opening the door from where I was called, my jaw drops at who is sitting on the bed half naked waiting for Jupiter. His smile drops along with the whip he was holding.

Patrick.

f~c