The Monster in My Veins

Noah William O'Conner (25)

         

I am a monster. How could I have done this? Why did I give in so easily? I'm weak, that's what I am. I don't deserve the love of my family. They deserve to have a better man in their life. I feel just as bad as I did when the monster pulled me back into its grip. But, this isn't the monster. This is Jupiter.

She rolls off of me and catches her breath, "That was fun."

She lied about being a virgin. I bite my tongue in disappointment. I guess the reason I gave in, was because I worked so hard for this and she finally was going to give it to me. Maybe I did it because I needed a good time. I honestly don't know. A man is selfish when it comes to his needs. At least I am.

"What's wrong?" she asks, covering her breasts with the thin sheet on my bed.

"Nothing." I answer, rolling over to sleep away my guilt.

In the morning, Jupiter awaits for me at breakfast. That's odd; she hasn't cooked for me in weeks.

"We need to talk," she states.

Maybe she's announcing that she is leaving. I sit without question and happily prepare myself for her words.

"I was high last night, and I failed to mention something..."

Um, okay... That was not the statement I was hoping for. She looks nervous, as if she has done something wrong.

"Please don't hate me Noah..."

"What is it, Jupiter?" I say anxiously.

"I have HIV."

I don't remember if I used protection last night. I usually don't, since my "pull-out" method is something I always did with Bonnie. My heart pounds with anger and I can feel my joints jittering in annoyance. Before I can control the flare in my veins, I spring across the table and grasp her throat.

Her nails are fighting my forearm. It takes only a couple seconds to realize what my actions have caused. Once I let go, she sucks in a deep breath of oxygen and rolls over.

"I'm sorry." I admit.

Jupiter stays silent on the ground for what seems to be like forever. Why do I keep fucking up? Do I need counseling? I have to get my shit together. No more violence, no more cheating. Making me a better person is now the most important thing on my to-do list, right after making a doctor's appointment.

I walk to her and gently touch her arm, attempting to help her stand. She pulls away and gets up herself. The air is awkward. Jupiter doesn't say a word as she walks into her room, holding her neck.

My life is a long drawn-out paradox. I feel as if I've won the battle against my drug habit, which is good for the long run, but during all of it if lost my loved ones and have hurt so many people. I only believed I was abusive when I was high, so this is a side of myself I've never seen before. Who is going to want to be with me if I happen to have this despicable virus? Nobody. I will sit alone for the rest of my life. Sooner or later, Jupiter will find out she deserves better (If she hasn't already), Bonnie will be taking care of her new baby (I'm sure with Patdick), and my only little girl will be gone and away from this world. What will I have? Oh, what a silly question that is. I will have nothing but the loneliness in my heart and the damnation from my sins forever in my soul until I burn in the ground. You see, I do believe there is a God. We are just having troubles with our relationship. "Communication is key to having a powerful relationship!" as my ex counselor would say. Ooh, not my strong suit. Maybe God should cut me some slack, and then I'll think about it.