The Monster in My Veins

Noah William O'Conner (15)

After getting rejected from sex, Jupiter and I have come to the agreement that we will take things slow, of course with the exception of making out and heavy petting for a while before I hit the ball over the fence and happily stride my way to home run. I can handle that. There's only one problem, though. Bonnie.

I'm more than tempted to call, beg for her to take me back so I can run home to my children and watch Patrick get kicked to the curb. But, I don't feel like Bonnie deserves that. She's the one who cheated. I believe that she should be the one to apologize and beg for my forgiveness. Plus, if she is really serious about spending her life with him, I won't keep her from being happy.

I sit with a pen in hand, and have decided to write good things about both women, and see which outweighs which, to help me make my decision.

Bonnie is my wife.

Jupiter is hot.

We have two kids together.

Jupiter's fuckin hot.

We've been together since high school and have invested so much time with each other.

Jupiter's thighs though...

Okay, obviously Bonnie wins for round one. Now let's take a look at the negative.

Bonnie cheated.

Um...

Bonnie didn't believe in me when I said I would get better.

???

Bonnie never appreciated me.

Looks like Jupiter won round two. I ask myself that, "Hey, maybe Bonnie never appreciated you because she had nothing to appreciate?" well, good comment Noah. But, Bonnie could've appreciated me when I left for rehab. That would've been the perfect chance. Did she? No.

I crumble up the paper and air-ball my throw. It hits the wall near the trashcan and lands on the floor beside it. Without picking it up, I walk over to the couch and lay on my back, staring at the blank ceiling. My mind drifts into deep thought about everything. How, I have hidden my emotions from everyone for the past however many years. I feel like now that I am off the big H, I have to face my demons. It scares me. I just have to remind myself, I'm not the only one with problems. Take Jupiter for example, she was going to be a prostitute at the age of nineteen simply because she needed to survive. She's damn lucky I saved her.

After all, we are all just camouflaged by our smiles, masks we have created to hide our suffering. Suffering created by the malicious beings in this world. Why do I so strongly despise it? I know, because it treated me as if I was a slave in my own body. When I was just a boy, my father would come to my room in the middle of the night, and I would awake with his hand inside my unclean Red Sox boxers, slithered around my genitals. It makes me sick just thinking about it. But, it's the truth and I have to face it someday, and move on. I could've prevented his death. I don't regret sitting there watching him die as thick, white foam slowly seeped out of the corners of his mouth. I suppose he had a little much of the "happy juice" (as he would call it) that day. The phone was in my hand. 911 was just a dial away. You know what I did? I took the bottle of Jack Daniels out of the fridge, sat on the couch, and watched him croak while I drank the entire thing. I was only fourteen.

I think about that day all the time now. How I sat there and watched my sperm donor/molester die in front of my eyes. My mind has rekindled those exact feelings that led me to heroin in the first place. After all, we are everyday soldiers fighting in a constant war against our thoughts, battling depression by fear and hate. Life is our battlefield and the enemy is closing in, surrounding us and it's about to consume the only thing fighting against this darkness. It can only blow out our candle if we let it. Our hope is the only thing we have left. We hope that it will get better. We hope that no matter how many others we've lost in this war we will still be victorious. We are everyday soldiers.

We are all enclosed in the maleficent beings in our minds. My cowardliness towards friction makes me feel like less of a man. Getting touched by Daddy Dearest was not only the worst part of my never ending childhood, but it was the fact that momma would watch. She allowed it. These people are supposed to be my protectors, and what do they do? They are the ones causing danger. Danger that has scarred my mind and will always have an effect on me until the day I croak, finally leaving the world in which I've floated through for all these years. I'm a prisoner trapped in the four walls my mind has unintentionally built. I guess when Clair died, that's when daddy decided to switch his sexual drive to little boys, because after she was gone that's when he started visiting my room at night. My sister committed suicide at the age of sixteen. Looks like daddy has his way with her for the last time, and after two years of sleepless nights, he finally had his way with me for the last time too. The bastard deserved way worse than what he got. If it was my choice, I'd make him suffer. But, I felt like my sanity was all I had left at the time, so I did what the most humane molested fourteen year old would do, watch him die.

Jupiter comes in, and sees all the tears I've been keeping in my whole life. She kneels in front of me, and looks into the heavy waterfalls in each corner of my eyes. Without hesitation, she holds me.