The Monster in My Veins

Bonnie Adriana O'Conner (10)

          I, Bonnie Adriana O'Conner, thoroughly believe that my life should be spent in the safe arms of Patrick Lloyd Frankfort. I no longer have to carry Noah's demons on my back and struggle with the constant pain of neglect and abuse. What I did was wrong, I do believe that. But, it was obvious Noah was high when I called. I didn't call to tell him I want a divorce, I called because I was curious where he was. I wanted to know if he was safe. The moment I heard the groaning in his voice, I knew he was in the clouds once more. That's when everything came crashing down like a fucking blizzard. Noah was so quick to go back to his habit, I didn't doubt for one second that he would come back to it the first time we had a small argument or misunderstanding. Because, Noah is the weakest person I know. He can't grow a pair and face his problems, and for that, I give up trying to fix him. You can't fix someone that doesn't truly want to be fixed. The drugs have always been and will always be more important than the family we have created.

          Patrick begins breakfast in the kitchen while Rocky sits with Sarah as she colors. "No, Rocky." She'd say as he'd try to flip her page. I look around and I can honestly say I'm happy. I hope the best for Noah. I do love him still, but I have to stay strong. It's for the best.

          "You want eggs?" Pat yells from the kitchen.

          "I want eggs, Pat." Sarah states in between finding the blue crayon and fighting off Rocky.

          I've noticed Sarah seems a bit out of place. She seems sad, which breaks my heart. She walked in on Patrick beating her father, of course she's confused. Her little head is probably swirling with questions. Kindergarten will be starting soon for her. She's always loved going to school, so maybe it will lift her spirits. All I can do is love her, and try my best to make her environment healthy.

          Patrick brings in a paper plate with eggs and bacon and sits it in front of Sarah on the floor. Once he falls beside me on the couch, I lean into him and we watch yet another one of Sarah and Rocky's shows.

          I get this quaky feeling in my stomach, like something is wrong. I feel like I'm doing something bad. I feel uneasy by Patrick's loving touch. I guess everything that has been happening has made my stomach upset. I have a raging headache also. He slides his hand on my leg, and for some odd reason, I have the need to puke. I don't want him to touch me now.

          "I," my words stutter as I attempt to get them out, "I'm gonna go take a nap," he looks at me with kind eyes.

           "Oh alright, I was getting tired myself. I'll come too."

           "No, I'm not feeling too well," I say, "could you keep an eye on the kids while I rest?"

          Once I'm in what once were mine and Noah's room, I plop on the bed and sob deeply. Oh, I miss Noah. I feel so sick. I can't identify this type of pain. It's worse than I've ever had. This was the first time I have seen him look so healthy. It was our chance at a new start and I ruined that. I'm the monster in the family, not him. I want Noah, but I know he's using again, and the children can't be around that any longer. I can't let that happen.

          I can feel something coming up my throat, I rush to the toilet and hurl up last night's dinner. I rest my head against the wall and Patrick walks in, Sarah is at his heels.

          "Are you alright?" Pat questions.

          "Yeah, I feel fine now." I state.

          "Bonnie," he pauses, "When was the last time you had your period?"

          Oh shit.