soon.

xxvi.

̶ ̶ xxvi. BULLET HOLE HEARTS AND SWOLLEN SOULS.

because my temples continue to pulse and the songs i used to listen to don't give me the comfort that they once did. because drowning in a sea full of harsh words you said to me is something i'd rather do than sit in the sand with no sign of you near. 
because i've been alone all my life and then you came along.

i know how much your chest burns, how the warm tears stain your pillow as your deadweight body can't find the energy to move from your sheets. i know the way your lids swell the morning after, an almost numb feeling pushing against the back of your faded eyes as you try to wake up at a reasonable time. i know how it feels to finally be able to pry away your sleep, unlocking your phone to meet a blank screen with no messages awaiting to be answered.

i know how it feels to look at a highway and wonder how quickly someone would drive away if you jumped in front of their moving car.

i wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemy. this matter of thinking that the world is too full with you standing there, doing absolutely nothing to make it any better, allowing reality to settle in that if you disappeared, no one would even notice.

i wonder why i'm not dead, yet i do nothing to pursue it.

because i'm a coward hidden away in her room hoping one day all this pain will vanish with no return. because i'm still swallowing the ocean of what we were, my lungs filling up with how you used to make me feel, my heart breaking as i reach further down our old memories.

i wonder if you would realize that you were one of the reasons i no longer walked this planet.

or if you even cared enough to know that i still
painfully 
love
you.